


Between Here and There

by Theatrically_scattered



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Canon Compliant, Depressed Katsuki Yuuri, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, alcohol mention, tags will be added as story progresses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2018-09-23 03:27:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 65,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9638882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theatrically_scattered/pseuds/Theatrically_scattered
Summary: Yuuri, after his disaster at the Grand Prix Finals in Sochi, decides he's done.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: please keep in mind the tags as they will be your warning for triggers, but I'll also add them here too. Triggers for suicide this chapter, so please don't read if you know you'll end up upset.

_"To my family,_

_I would like to start this with an apology. I'm sorry that I utterly failed you with what I've become. A failure of a figure skater. I had the chance to shine and become someone you could be proud to call your son and brother, but I made a fool of myself instead. This should never have happened. I should've just gone into business instead._

_The second part of this, I would like to give thanks. Thank you. Thank you for always supporting me. Thank you for always encouraging me to follow what I thought was right. Thank you for the last 23 years of love, care and support you've all given me. I'll always be grateful to you._

_But I can't do this anymore._

_I'm drowning in waves of sadness and despair, and I can't breathe._

_I pray that my absence makes things easier._

_I'm sorry."_

**_— Katsuki Yuuri_ **

Katsuki Yuuri sighed, reading over the note he had just written on his phone. He couldn't sleep very well on the plane ride back to his country. The events of the Grand Prix mocked him, flashing behind his eyes every time he tried to close them. It was agonizing. But he felt content writing the note. He had always promised himself for as long as he could remember; if he ever did something and failed, and was so overcome with guilt for failing, he would die. Yuuri had plenty of methods and plans. Drowning in the onsen, drowning in the ocean, slicing his wrists, overdosing, hanging himself in Aokigahara. Of course, his anxiety always amplified his mistakes, so he always felt that he had to die for everything he did wrong. It didn't help that he also had depression, so he always felt that he had to die regardless. But he was able to stay alive for this long thanks to his family and few friends.

Though now, he was sure he couldn't anymore.

Hence the note. Having deemed it acceptable, he moved on to the next part: picking a method. Yuuri couldn't drown himself in the onsen, that would damage the inn's reputation and scare away customers. He's trying to cause less trouble for his parents, not more. There was the ocean, but Yuuri read an article on how salt water affected the blood, and he wanted to die painlessly. Going to Aokigahara to hang himself was a popular option, but it was located on the mainland and too expensive. Now that he thought about it, he was sure he would have enough yen to buy some cold medicine when he got home. And he's certain that his mother doesn't lock up her and his father's prescription medications.

That's covered then. He'd down pills with cold medicine and let sleep take him.

Now for when to do it. He did want to say goodbye to everyone, and he did want to show Yuuko his skating. It's the least he could do after being away for 5 years and making her watch his pathetic display on tv. He wanted to make it special since he was going to skate to his idol Viktor Nikiforov's program of Stay Close to Me, so he'd surprise her with it.

Oh, his idol.

In his planning, he had nearly forgotten. He wish he had. When he ran into him at the airport, Viktor didn't recognize him. It just solidified his place as a worthless skater who wasn't worth anyone's time, let alone someone like Viktor. He would never be anywhere close to being equal with him. And the confrontation he had in the bathroom with Yuri Plisetsky was the start of it. Retire, huh? If he meant "death" then yes, that's what Yuuri was going to do.

"Attention, please. We will be landing in Fukuoka shortly. Please return to your seats and fasten your seatbelt. I repeat..."

The voice of the captain over the intercom pulled Yuuri from his thoughts. Making sure the note he wrote was saved, he plugged in his headphones and hit play.

_「神様から授かったこの生命を　母から受けた生命を」  
「僕は人並みには使えもしないので　今朝のゴミに出しました」_

Yuuri closed his eyes, letting himself be immersed in the story of the song that he felt reflected himself. He remembers when he first found this producer, back when he was still in school. He found it odd at first that the producer used synthesized voices, but he understood. He thought the cold robotic voices added to the loneliness the producer portrayed in his songs. Though Yuuri always found covers and preferred them instead. Hearing the pain and sadness in the human singer's voice connected to him much more.

_「かなしみのなみにおぼれる、かなしみのなみにおぼれる」_

Looking out the window, he saw the ground growing closer. Gathering his carry on, he prepared to walk off the plane when it was advised the passengers could.  
  
                     ~*~*~*~*~*~

He was happy to see Minako-sensei when he arrived in Hasetsu, he really was. But the feeling died when he saw the posters of himself plastered all over. The whispers of the other people in the station, the words of encouragement everywhere wishing him luck, it was too much. It made Yuuri feel sick to his stomach, feeling a lump crawl its way into his throat and threaten to escape. He felt guilty even more when he saw it all that it added more to his grim determination of what he was going to do.

 _'It's better this way, isn't it? Japan doesn't deserve a mistake like me.'_ He thought to himself, fighting the urge to rip down all the posters with his face on it.

Yuuri faintly registered himself being dragged by Minako-sensei to shake a few hands with people for whatever reason. When she was going to take him to her ballet studio, Yuuri stopped her, saying he wanted to visit his parents before that.

After arriving home at the inn and greeting his parents, he went to pay his respects to his dog.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here, Vicchan." He muttered, praying in front of the shrine for his beloved late poodle.

"Yuuri, welcome back."

Yuuri turned his head to see his older sister, Mari, leaning against the door frame.

"Oh, Mari. I'm sorry to visit when things are so busy."

"Mhm. Hey, how long are staying in Hasetsu? Will you be helping out with the inn?" She asked, taking out a cigarette.

"Huh? Where's this coming from?"

"You went to college, even though you had to study an extra year. What will you do now?" She questioned, lighting her cigarette.

Yuuri stared at her with wide eyes. Of course, if he failed his plan, he was going to have to help his family. But how? With his degree he could most likely get an easy well-paying job, but...something deep down didn't want that.

Inhaling and huffing out a cloud of smoke, she gave him a small smile. "If you're going keep skating, I'll support you, but..."

"I think...I need more time to think it over."

"Ok. Well, go soak and relax in the hot springs." She said before turning and leaving him alone again.

Yuuri stared after his sister, turning over her words in his head. But he felt irritated as well. He was, hopefully, going to die anyway, so it's not like he's going to be useful. But there was also the probability of him failing if by being discovered or overdosing not working. He'd burn that bridge when he got to it.

Needing a distraction, he stood up and made his way towards the hot spring.  
  
                         ~*~*~*~*~

After drying off, he dressed himself in workout clothes and made his way to Ice Castle. Passing through the main recreation area of the inn, he overheard Minako's drunken rambling of how Yuuri could've given her the ice skater's hotel room numbers.

"I wouldn't tell you! You expect me to be your one-man ticket agency to score you tickets, don't you?" He grumbled, a bit hurt but annoyed at her.

"That's not true! I've been supporting you!" She cried, taking another swig of her beer.

_ "All eyes are on Viktor Nikiforov, who's going for his fifth consecutive World Championship gold." _

Yuuri's attention was grabbed when the commenter on tv spoke about Viktor. He looked and saw footage of him practicing his routine in the hall. Even off the ice, he moved with such grace and fluidity, him acting out the emotions he would display in his program; Yuuri felt heat gather in his cheeks as he watched him. He was grateful for the distraction a patron provided when he stole the tv remote from Minako and switched to soccer.

Using the distraction, he headed out the entrance, yelling to his mother he'd be going to practice at Ice Castle.

Jogging down the streets he took in the all too familiar scenery around him. The glow of signs in the quickly darkening streets, the easy flow of cars as they drove past each other, each car going somewhere different than the other, the cry of seagulls overhead, and the look of Hasetsu Castle in the distance against the indigo sky created by the setting sun.

Yuuri found himself stopping, wanting to take in everything.

_'This is my last chance to see the sunset here.'_

He sighed, forcing himself to continue jogging. He didn't deserve a beautiful final memory of his hometown. He failed, and he had to die. And the dead don't create memories that could make them have regrets. Besides, he had one last thing to do first.

Reaching the familiar steps leading up to the ice rink, he climbed up. Climbing, he remembered the first time he came here. He was so nervous, he had only came because Minako had urged him to start skating since he was talented at ballet. Too quickly he reached the door, walking in and seeing a woman placing shoes away.

"Excuse me." He called out.

"Sorry, our regular hours are over."

The woman turned, her brown eyes fixing itself on Yuuri.

"It's been a while, Yuuko-san." He mumbled, fidgeting with his fingers.

She stared for a moment before recognition took over her features.

"Yuuri?" She asked in awe.

When he nodded, he jumped back from her slamming her hands onto the counter separating them.

"Oh come on, just call me Yu-chan!" She said, her voice so full of cheer Yuuri couldn't help but smile.

"S-sorry." He mumbled.

"You came here to skate, right? Go ahead."

"Huh? Is that okay?"

"It's fine! You just want to skate alone for now, right? I'll protect you." She said, sending him a friendly wink.

"Thank you." He said, giving her a warm smile.

Moving towards the locker rooms, he switched out of his regular shoes to put on the skates Yuuko handed him. He remembered when he started skating with her, how she was the best in their class among them; even recalling her title "Madonna of Ice Castle." That was also when she introduced him to Viktor Nikiforov. She showed him Viktor's skating program at the Junior World Championships, fascinated by his form. Yuuri, however, felt completely entranced by him. How his long hair trailed behind him as he skated, his movements, his jumps, everything. He lost himself in his skating. He and Yuuko were his biggest fans, even copying his skating and skating his programs when they could. Yuuri even went as so far to adopt a poodle and name it Viktor after he found out Viktor had a poodle of his own. Shaking the memories away, he laced up his skates and made his way towards the ice.

Once on the ice, he skated over to where Yuuko was waiting. Stopping in front of her, he took off his glasses and handed them to her.

"Um, I wanted you to see this, so I've been practicing it since the competitions ended...please watch."

Moving away, he skated over to the center of the ice. Stopping, he positioned himself, taking a breath as he steeled himself against his hammering heart and haywire nerves.

He began. Skating to music only audible to him, amplifying it for Yuuko who couldn't hear it. He skated, envisioning Viktor's figure skating it, copying every gesture and movement, perfectly landing his quads, flips and triple Lutz. He skated with all his being, content that this would be the last time he would skate and feel emotion as strongly as he did now. After completing his skating, he panted as he looked to Yuuko, gauging her reaction.

"That was super cool! A perfect copy of Viktor! Awesome!" She yelled, tears in her eyes as she slammed her hands against the top of the wall that separated the ice from solid cement. "I thought you'd be depressed or something!"

"I was." He said. _'I still am.'_ He thought.

"But," he continued, "I got tired of being depressed. I thought I could remember my love for figure skating if I could remember how it was when I copied Viktor with you."

Before he could say anything else, he suddenly found himself being stared down by three identical little girls; the only difference being the colors they wore.

"Axel, Lutz, and Loop! They've grown since the last time you saw them, huh?"

"Y-yeah..."

"Yuuri, you really did get fat!" Lutz, the girl in purple said.

"Are you really gonna retire?" Loop, the pink-clad girl said.

"You've never had a girlfriend?" Axel, the girl dressed in blue said.

"Hey! I'm sorry, my girls are such groupies!" Yuuko yelled, trying to get her children to calm down as they all yelled "really?" repeatedly.

"Well, they are your fans Yuuri. Welcome back!" A deep voice called behind him.

"Nishigori!" He yelped after being caught in a friendly headlock by Yuuko's husband.

"Now you're fatter than me!" He laughed, exposing Yuuri's gut. Yuuri begged to be released as soon as he saw the girls surround him with cameras, wriggling himself free.

"You can come anytime you want to practice. The Nishigori family's always got your back," Nishigori said, rubbing two of his daughter's heads.

After bidding goodbye to the family, he made his way back to Yu-Topia. Still in the mood, he stopped to do some footwork on one of the nearby benches at a picnic area.

_'During the five years I was away, I always tried to ignore things by skating. But now...I can't. Skating isn't for me anymore.'_

He stopped, looking over the glimmering city in the distance.

_'There's nothing for me here. Not anymore.'_

Climbing down from the bench, Yuuri stopped at a nearby drugstore. He quickly scanned the shelves for cold medicine that had drowsiness as a side effect, and took it to the counter. After paying, he hid the medicine in his jacket and made his way home.

Once at home, he decided to take in the skating world one last time and turned on the tv.

_ "In St. Petersburg, Russia, rising skating star Yuri Plisetsky is finally gearing up in earnest to join the senior competition. Under coach Yakov Feltsman, the fifteen-year-old is about to join Viktor Nikiforov in ushering Russia into an era with two champions." _

Yuuri recalled what the young Russian told him in the bathroom at Sochi.

"Just **retire** already."

Staring at the screen, he felt numb. He switched it off and headed to his room. Sitting on the floor, he looked at the posters of Viktor hanging on his wall. Yuuri felt scrutinized under the gazes of him, skin crawling and bile rising in his throat. Lifting himself up, he started the process of taking down the posters.

As he took down the last poster, he looked at Viktor forlornly. What had Yuuri done to show he was a skater? Make a fool of himself at the Grand Prix? He was too much of a mess, too naive and foolish to think he would ever skate on the same ice as Viktor. He felt his chest grow tight, his breath coming out rapid and uneven, vision blurring.

 _'Oh joy, I'm having an anxiety attack. Fitting, I guess. This would be my last one, huh...'_ He thought to himself as he worked to stop it. Calming himself down, he stored the posters away in an old shoebox he kept under his bed. Reaching for his phone, he checked the time.

19:48

His parents should still be out front, tending to customers, along with Mari.

_'Now's the time.'_

Quietly leaving his room, he made his way towards where his parents slept. Turning on the lights, he searched the nightstand of their bed looking for familiar orange bottles. Finding what he wanted, he examined the names of the medicine and read what they were for. Both of his parents had the same medicine for back pain and arthritis, but his father had a narcotic for cases of severe pain. His mother had a few allergy pills, and heartburn pills. Dumping a few pills of everything in a small bag, he quickly returned everything to how he found it and made his way back to his room. Locking his door, he placed the bag of drugs on his bed; remembering the note he wrote on his phone, he searched for a pen and paper to transfer the note to writing. After writing, he folded the note and placed it on his desk. His phone grabbed his attention when it played the chime to alert him he had a text.

One new message from Nishigori.

"Huh? Nishigori?"

He unlocked his phone and swore the heart attack he had at the message could've killed him.

The message was a YouTube link. Tapping on the link took him to a video titled 【Yuuri Katsuki】Tried Skating to Viktor Nikiforov's FS Program【Stay Close to Me】

He didn't watch the video since he was interrupted by a call from Nishigori himself. He could hear the cries of the girls in the background.

"I-I'm sorry, Yuuri. My kids uploaded the video and it went viral."

"How could you use my account without permission again?!" He heard Yuuko yelling to the girls.

"But mama, all the skating fans will love it!" One of them said.

"Just delete it ok?!" Yuuko yelled back.

Yuuri hung up, hearing nothing but static. He was in shock. Something he had done privately was now viral. His skating of his idol's program which he intended as a final act of his life was now subject to the mercy of the internet.

"Yuuri! What's with that video?! It's being retweeted everywhere!" Minako yelled from behind his door, pounding against it in attempts to be let in.

It was now or never.

Setting down the cold medicine he bought earlier, he grabbed the pills and shoved them into his mouth, opening the cold medicine and swallowing everything he could manage. He felt the bitterness of the cold medicine settle in his throat, looking at the bag of pills he took. He still had a few left in there.

_'If this doesn't work, I'll have to buy painkillers tomorrow. Maybe I should've bought them earlier...oh well.'_

He settled himself into bed, pulling up the covers and turning off his phone.

That was the last thing he did before everything faded to black.

                         ~*~*~*~*~

"Yuuri, don't hole yourself up in your room! Come help shovel snow." His mother knocked. She heard no reply, figuring Yuuri must still be sleeping. She tried opening his door but was surprised to find it locked. It was odd, Yuuri never locked his door. Luckily, she had master keys to every door in the inn, including Yuuri's room. Finding the key, she unlocked his door.

Yuuri was in bed, so still, he looked like he was dead.

"Yuuri, it's time to wake up!" She said, gently shaking her son.

Yuuri was cold as ice. She didn't understand; he was under his blankets, he shouldn't be so cold. Looking to his window, she saw that he had left it open slightly. She hadn't even noticed the small amount of snow that built up on the windowsill and on part of Yuuri's blanket.

"Yuuri, wake up," she tried shaking her son awake again, "you left your window open."

"Ugh...huh?...mom?" He groaned, voice cracking from sleep.

"Yuuri dear, you left your window open all night! Now there's snow in your room!"

Yuuri looked down at his blanket, seeing the thin sheet of snow on his blanket and the fair amount that had built up on his windowsill from where it was opened. Odd, he didn't remember opening the window. He probably did in the middle of the night but didn't remember. That happened a lot to him. Yuuri had trouble remembering things at night since he was so tired. But if he's awake then...

_'I'm still alive.'_

"Yuuri, come down and help shovel snow, please? You can't stay in your room forever." His mother said, pulling him out his thoughts before he could think further.

"Ok, I'll be down as soon as I'm ready."

Giving him a smile, his mother turned and left, closing his door softly behind her.

Sitting up, Yuuri looked at the window in wonder of how it opened. The last thing he remembered was drinking cold medicine with pills. Did he dream? He never really could remember his dreams, Yuuri didn't exactly dream in the first place. Suddenly, there was an image in his mind.

It was himself, standing on an edge. Everything around him white, as if covered in snow. Below was an awaiting void, open and ready to swallow him whole and make him disappear. But he just stood, the tips of his toes the only part of him physically over the edge.

"Is this what you want?" A voice asked.

"Yes." He replied.

"You're lying." The voice spat back.

The void started writhing, the blackness starting to slowly claw its way up to Yuuri. He watched it, unmoving. It grew closer, yet looked unmoving; it moved in ways he couldn't describe, made sounds he never knew existed.

"You're not done yet."

Suddenly the void was right in front of him. It was so close Yuuri thought it would swallow him right there.

"Go."

The void swallowed him.

Yuuri felt chills up run up his spine. He never had a dream like that before from what he could remember. Although, that didn't explain the open window. Deciding to look out, he stuck his head out the window and looked down. He saw an uneven mass hiding beneath the snow. Memory told him that spot was plain ground, so there was no reason for that small lump to be there. Eyes caught a speck of green on his windowsill, and Yuuri suddenly became aware of the bitter taste in his mouth.

"Did...did I vomit? When did I..?"

He recalled the void that swallowed him in his dream. He remembered feeling...full. Full but empty. As if something passed through him physically then left just as quickly.

Shaking his head clear of his thoughts and closing his window, he stood up and made his bed. Looking at his nightstand, he opened the drawer he had stashed the unused pills and looked at them. Yuuri looked over to his desk and saw that the note he had written remained untouched.

"She didn't see it. That's good, I guess."

Hiding the note with the pills, Yuuri dressed himself and went to the bathroom. He felt dizzy; his steps were slow and cautious as the world around him spun. There was static in his ears that was incredibly grating and he wanted everything to stop. Still, he pushed himself to go down the stairs to the lobby. The thought of throwing himself down the stairs backwards crossed his mind, but he dismissed it by reasoning that he would probably damage the stairs.

Taking the shovel from the nearby broom closet, he opened the front door only to be greeted by a large poodle.

"Huh? Vicchan?"

The massive dog jumped onto him, taking him down to the ground. He was then treated to affectionate kisses by the dog, drawing out giggles from him.

"N-no, you're too big to be him." He said in between his giggles.

"He looks just like Vicchan doesn't he?" His father remarked, a tray of drinks in hand. "He came in with a rather attractive looking foreign man."

"What? Foreign man?"

"Yes; he should be out in the hot springs about now."

Realization dawned on Yuuri. There's only one person who had a poodle like this. His body went into autopilot, rushing itself towards the hot springs.

_'No way, there's no way, there's absolutely no way, right?'_

Throwing himself outside, he proved himself wrong.

Sitting there, in his family's hot spring, was his idol, Viktor Nikiforov.

"V...Viktor?" He breathed out.

Hearing his name, the Russian stood up, and oh god he's naked.

"Yuuri! Starting today I'll be your coach! I'll make sure you make it to the Grand Prix Final and get gold." He announced, adding in a wink.

Viktor Nikiforov, Russia's Living Legend, is naked in his home and fucking winked at Yuuri.

Yuuri felt his brain short circuit and proceeded to faint from shock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I plan to do the entire season, if you were wondering. I also want to say this: this is a vent/coping work for me personally. Yuuri is a character I see myself a lot in, and so I'm hoping I can be better by having Yuuri go through this with me. The song Yuuri listens to is Drowning in a Wave of Sadness by Neru (his songs are very good)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slight warning for alcohol mention, bullying, self-harm scars, and vomiting this chapter

Yuuri only remembered the feeling of wet stone connecting with his face as he woke up. Comparing to the dry wood he felt now, looking around told him he was in the recreation room. He'd been set up so that his upper body was on the table while his lower body was kneeling on the ground.

"Oh thank goodness!"

The heavily accented voice harshly grabbed Yuuri's attention. Focusing on Viktor, he still hadn't registered that Viktor Nikiforov, his idol, and inspiration to skate, was sitting right in front of him and _'oh god he's dressed in the inn's robes why is he dressed in the inn's robes?'_

Yuuri quickly slapped himself in the face as hard as he could manage; Viktor jumped, not entirely sure why the Japanese man suddenly decided the first thing to do was to slap himself.

"Oh my god, you're actually here. Why are you here?" Yuuri asked, still incredulous at who was in front of him.

Viktor stared at the man across from him, losing himself in the giant chocolate eyes looking at him in awe before answering him.

"Like I said, I'm your coach, Yuuri! I'm going to make sure you make it to the Grand Prix Final and place gold."

Yuuri felt an odd sensation in his chest. It was as if something tugged at his heart, pulling it down so it could dissolve in his stomach; his lungs felt empty even though he was breathing perfectly fine.

"Here you are Viktor! Oh my, Yuuri, you're awake!"

Both men turned towards Yuuri's mother who carried a plate of food. Setting the food down, she promptly moved over to Yuuri, fussing over his messy hair.

"Are you alright Yuuri? You're not hurt anywhere, right?"

"I-I'm fine, mom. What happened?"

"Viktor told me you just fainted in the onsen! He was worried sick; he was so upset he insisted on staying with you until you woke up."

"Oh, r-really..." Yuuri mumbled, looking at Viktor past his mother. The man was so engrossed in his dinner that he hadn't even looked at him. Yuuri also saw Viktor's dog, Makkachin, walk over to him, resting his head in Yuuri's lap as he ate.

"Yuuri, are you sure you're okay? Do you want to go back to your room?" His mother asked, pulling Yuuri's attention back to her.

"Yeah, mom. I'm sorry for worrying you. Please, let me help you with something."

When his mother still looked unconvinced, Yuuri stood himself up; hastily grabbing empty cups and plates from nearby tables, he made his way to the kitchen, startling his father.

"Yuuri, are you well? Your mother told me you fainted in the onsen."

"I'm fine, dad. I'm helping mom now," He said, placing the dishes in the nearly full sink.

"Yuuri, you don't have to force yourself-"

"I'm fine, really," Yuuri repeated, turning on the water, letting the rush of water drown his father's words. He focused on the burning water, the task of washing away whatever was on the dishes occupying his mind instead of the Russian not too far from him. He set the dishes aside to dry, going back out and taking whatever he had missed earlier. It wasn't much, but he did take Viktor's own dishes as soon as he saw the chopsticks hit the empty bowl, not even glancing at the icy blue eyes looking at him.

_'He probably thinks I'm rude for taking his dish away so soon. He's done eating, so he can't complain. Or he thinks I've been watching him eat and thinks I planned to come out just as soon as he finished. Whatever; I had to come back out anyway.'_ He reasoned, uncaring what Viktor thought. Yuuri cared a lot about how he came off to others, but when he was in work mode, he blanked; going into autopilot of whatever task he had to do whether it was dish collecting, cleaning, cooking, or even dealing with drunk patrons.

Re-entering the kitchen, he saw his father putting away dry dishes as his mother was at the stove. Both his parents turned to look at him as he came in.

"Ah Yuuri, thank you for getting the dishes! Did Viktor finish his meal?" His mother asked.

"He did," Yuuri replied, holding up the empty plate as evidence.

"That's good."

"Yuuri, you can leave the dishes; I'll wash them this time," his father cut in, taking the dishes from Yuuri's hands.

"Ah, no, I can do it." Yuuri protested.

"It's fine, Yuuri. I'm sure you'd rather be spending time with Viktor, right?" His mother asked.

"Wha-"

"Go on Yuuri, it's alright," his father urged, sending him a smile.

Flustered, Yuuri left the kitchen and headed out to the recreation room. He came back to find Viktor lying on the floor, fast asleep. Even Makkachin was asleep with him. Yuuri instead sat beside Viktor, looking down at him through his glasses. He stared, still in disbelief of the person laying on the floor.

_'This is real...no, I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to be under the same roof as him. Dammit, I'm so stupid; I hope mom and dad haven't noticed their missing pills...maybe I should buy painkillers today? I know I still have cold medicine left. Maybe I should sneak some liquor; liquor and medications are supposed to be toxic when mixed, right?'_

Yuuri was deep in his thoughts that he hadn't even heard Minako's screaming at the entrance. He didn't even hear her enter the room until she yelled his name directly into his ear.

"Yuuri, explain! Why is Viktor here?! And why is he sleeping in one of the inn's robes?!" She yelled, pointing towards the snoozing Russian for added emphasis.

"He soaked in the onsen and had a meal, then fell asleep..." Yuuri replied.

"It's big news in Russia right now. He's taking this season off and is considering his next move." Minako turned her head to look at Yuuri, "They're also saying that when he saw that video of you skating his routine, he was struck with inspiration, and that's when he decided to become your coach."

"What?!" Yuuri gasped.

"Viktor came here because he chose you, Yuuri. You brought him here! That's incredible!"

Yuuri looked back to Viktor, a strange feeling blooming in his chest. He placed a gentle hand on his chest, feeling warmth spread through his body and was sure a light dust of pink was on his cheeks.

_'He's here because of me? No, there's got to be some mistake. He wouldn't drop everything for a worthless skater like me. I wasn't even intending to continue skating; let alone living. How do I tell him he came out here for no reason? He's going to be so angry...'_

_'Do you really want that?'_ A voice asked.

"Eh?" He mumbled under his breath.

_'You don't really want Viktor to leave. Stop deluding yourself.'_ The voice snapped.

Yuuri couldn't respond to the voice when Viktor suddenly sneezed (which was admittedly cute), waking himself up. Viktor sat himself up, squinting as he took in his surroundings.

"Oh, he's awake." Yuuri breathed.

"I'm starving; food..." Viktor mumbled, looking at Yuuri over his shoulder.

"He still wants to eat?" Minako asked in disbelief.

"Huh? U-um, what would you like to eat?" Yuuri asked.

"Hmmm. Since I'll be your coach, I'd like to know what your favorite food is, Yuuri." Viktor replied.

"What?" Yuuri was caught off-guard by Viktor's request. "O-oh, um, ok!" Yuuri said, standing up so quickly he nearly gave himself vertigo. He rushed to the kitchen, telling his mother to make an extra large bowl of pork cutlet bowl. Helping her cook by breading the pork and clean the rice, he carried the tray of the finished food out, followed by his mother. Placing the tray in front of Viktor, Yuuri sat beside Minako opposite of Viktor while his mother sat at the end of the table.

"Wow! Amazing!" Viktor exclaimed, looking at the meal in delight and curiosity.

"Our special, the pork cutlet bowl, extra-large!" Yuuri's mother explained, eyes twinkling in anticipation at Viktor's thoughts of the dish.

Viktor took one of the larger cuts of the pork with his chopsticks; taking a bite his eyes widened. There was a beat of silence before he spoke.

"Vkusno! Delicious, too good for words! Is this what God eats?!" He exclaimed, eagerly stuffing his face with the food. Yuuri's mother practically skipped out of the room from the Russian's praises.

"I'm glad you liked it," Yuuri said, fidgeting with his fingers.

"Yuuri gains weight easily, so he was only allowed to eat it when he won a competition. Right?" Minako said, looking at Yuuri jump at the sudden reveal of his weight gain.

Yuuri felt himself bristle at Minako's words. She was honest, but she didn't have to say that. Yuuri was capable of saying that himself.

"Oh? So have you eaten this pork cutlet bowl recently?" Viktor asked.

"Yes, yes. I eat it often," Yuuri answered.

"Why? You haven't won anything," Viktor said, matter-of-factly, a plastic grin plastered onto his face. "And with that pig's body of yours, lessons would be meaningless. You need to get back to your weight at last year's Grand Prix Final at the least..." Viktor paused, plucking a grain of rice that stuck itself to the corner of his mouth to eat, "or I can never coach you. Until then, no more pork cutlet bowls. Okay, little piggy?"

Yuuri felt himself bristle at the insult. He knew he was chubbier, but Yuuri hated when it would be pointed out to him as if he didn't know he had a gut. It just bothered him and he always felt angry when he'd get teased for it. Viktor calling him piggy hurt more than Yuuri had expected, memories of his younger school days flashing by rapidly.

_'Hey Katsuki, off to go dance like all the other girls?'_

_'How do you manage to not crush the ground? You're so fat you'd cause craters if you fell over!'_

_'Hey, let's shove him, maybe we can make an earthquake happen and tear down the school!'_

Their laughter was something Yuuri could never forget. No matter how hard he tried, even if he managed to suppress most of his school life, the insults and mockery always stuck. And the damn laughter; it haunted him in his nightmares. Yuuri clenched his fists, feeling the tiniest bit of relief when he felt the familiar digging of his nails into his palm. If he was lucky he'd break skin and have wounds to pick at. And then Yuuri felt his heart starting to hammer in his chest.

_'Fucking damn it. Please, you worthless shit, have a quiet attack. Viktor doesn't have to see this.'_ He berated himself, focusing on the pressure he was creating in his hands, the nails biting into his skin.

"Yuuri."

Yuuri looked up to see Mari leaning in from the doorway. She had a blank expression, but Yuuri could see her eyes examining his body language, gauging he was having a small anxiety attack.

"Yuuri, can you come here?" She asked.

Yuuri forced himself to stand, withering as he felt Viktor's confused stare on him. What was he seeing in his eyes? Did he notice how Yuuri's knuckles were blanched from how tightly he was clenching them? The tiniest of quakes in Yuuri's steps? Yuuri swallowed down the lump in his throat as he walked over to his sister. Once there, she pulled him aside; hiding the both of themselves from Viktor and Minako. Mari then wrapped her arms around her younger brother in a near bear hug.

"Breathe, Yuuri. In, out. In, out. You're okay. Everything is okay," She muttered, gently swaying Yuuri in her arms.

Yuuri focused on his breathing, comparing it to the even, steady flow of his sisters. It took a while, but he managed to calm himself down. He was grateful that his sister learned to pick up on Yuuri's cues that he was anxious, but also hated that he bothered her with it. Yuuri thought she hated it just as much, despite the countless amount of times that she told him it was fine. Yuuri slowly wrapped his arms around her back, still focusing on his breathing but showing he was getting better.

"You ok now?" She asked, still swaying Yuuri in her arms. Yuuri merely nodded into her shoulder, not quite feeling like talking. "Good. Are your hands ok? I saw you make fists with them..."

Yuuri brought up his hands, looking them over. He had some bluish crescent indents from his nails, but no broken skin. Yuuri patted Mari's back twice, communicating his hands were alright.

"That's good. Do you still want me to hug you or are you ok for me to let you go?"

Yuuri thought about it before giving Mari a single, firm pat on her back. She released Yuuri, looking at him before bringing a hand to ruffle his hair. Mari leaned back out, making herself visible to Viktor.

"Hey, this luggage is in the way."

Looking past her, Yuuri finally noticed the piles of boxes around them. He was shocked he hadn't noticed it before; but when his anxiety made him think the entire world was ending and made him want to cry and scream, Yuuri never noticed his surroundings. But still, he was surprised at the sheer number of boxes piled around.

"Can you take it to the room where I'll be staying?" Viktor asked.

"Staying?" Yuuri gawked, looking at the boxes practically looming over him.

"You're really staying here?" Yuuri heard Minako ask.

"Well, naturally. I'm Yuuri's coach now, so why not stay in his house to be closer?" Viktor replied.

Yuuri chose to ignore the rest of their conversation as he and Mari proceeded to carry the boxes to Viktor's room. If he wanted to lose weight, he was sure he'd lost several pounds after the trips he made up and down the stairs carrying boxes. The boxes themselves were so heavy, Yuuri wasn't sure how he was able to carry them all the way to Viktor's room in the first place. Yuuri wasn't sure when Viktor had gone up to his room, but Viktor was there with Makkachin when Yuuri brought up the last box, breathing heavily as he stopped to catch his breath.

"Wow! What a classic, tiny room. Is there a sofa?" Viktor asked.

"No...I'm sorry the room is so small. We only had an unused banquet room available," Yuuri said, looking up to Viktor from his spot on the ground.

"You look anxious," Viktor smiled, winking at him, "you can pay the coaching fee after you achieve success! I'll bill you later!"

"Th-thank you..."

"Yuuri, tell me everything about you," Viktor said, kneeling down so he was eye-level with Yuuri. He gently tilted Yuuri's chin up with his slender fingers, closing the distance between them, "What kind of rink do you skate at? What's in this city? Is there a girl you like?"

Yuuri could feel the heat in his cheeks, certain his face was the color of roses. His head was buzzing with Viktor's questions, trying to find answers but his mouth uncooperative in speaking. He jumped when he felt Viktor's other hand run down his arm and rest on Yuuri's other hand that was on the ground.

"Before we start practicing, let's build some trust in our relationship." Viktor murmured, bringing himself even closer, trapping Yuuri's gaze with his own eyes.

Yuuri felt his face overheat from Viktor's closeness. _'I'm dreaming. That's the only possible explanation. This is a dream, it has to be. He's so...he's too close!'_ Yuuri jumped, backing away rapidly that he slammed himself into the wall outside Viktor's room and yelped on impact.

"Huh? Why are you running away?" Viktor asked, confused at Yuuri's reaction.

"Uh, no reason..." Yuuri said weakly, heart wildly hammering against his ribcage.

_'I'm still scared to be close to him. If he gets close he'll see how much of a pathetic piece of trash I am. Am I even worth being called trash? No, that'd be an insult to trash. Yeah, I'm lower than trash. Everyone and everything has more worth than I do. I mean, the ice skating equivalent of God is in front of me and...I'm nothing compared to him...'_

"I'm going to bed," Yuuri said, standing abruptly.

"Ah, Yuuri-"

"Good night," Yuuri said, cutting off Viktor. He sped down the hallway, carrying himself to his room. After locking the door behind him he collapsed onto his bed, sighing in relief that he was alone. His solitude was interrupted by knocking at his door.

"Yuuri, let's sleep together. As your coach there's, so much I need to learn about you," Viktor said, voice muffled by the door. Yuuri just continued laying in bed, despairing over Viktor's constant knocking. With a heavy sigh, he forced himself off his bed and opened the door just wide enough to poke his face out, looking at Viktor who had brought Makkachin and carried a pillow under his arm.

"Viktor...you can't say things like that. I mean, we barely know each other. You saying 'let's sleep together' sounds similar to me saying 'hey stranger let's hook up.' Does that make sense?"

Yuuri felt guilty as he saw Viktor's smile slowly die. _'Shit, I made him sad. I mean, if we knew each other better this would still be iffy but I'd be more comfortable probably. Should I just tell him that? I don't want to sound like a total dick to him...'_

"I mean...maybe when we know each other better, try asking again. I-I...think it would be better if you asked again then..." Yuuri mumbled, looking at a Makkachin's wagging tail rather than Viktor.

Viktor's eyes brightened; his mouth formed a smile again, creating what Yuuri thought 'hope' would look like in a person.

"Do you really mean that?' Viktor asked.

"Y...Yeah..." Yuuri replied, put off by Viktor's sudden shift of mood.

"Ok! Until we get closer, Yuuri!" Viktor beamed before beckoning Makkachin to follow him back to his room. Yuuri watched the two walk until Makkachin's tail disappeared around the hallway corner; he sighed before heading back into his room. Yuuri found himself reaching under his bed, pulling out the shoebox he used to store the posters of Viktor. Pulling out a poster, he stared at the print of the man who was now in his home.

_'We've barely ever spoken because I've always put him on such a high pedestal, and now he's right here...'_

Yuuri put away the posters, returning them to their storage space under his bed. Changing into his pajamas, he turned off his lights, set his glasses down on his nightstand, and curled into a ball on his bed. He felt his heart beat steady but quick inside his chest. Yuuri buried his face in his hands, unsure of what to call the feeling of his stomach in knots and butterflies at the same time.

_'Am I...am I happy? Is that what this feeling is?'_

Yuuri dwelled on the feeling until he fell asleep.  
                   

**_____________**

 

Yuuri found himself back at the edge he was at last night. Peering over he saw the void was back where it was; it lay at the bottom, writhing but still, quiet yet roaring. Looking up, he saw a shattered pitch black sky; cracks ran through, breaking the sky into fragments. Turning around, he saw that behind him, separating the edge from the vast expanse of pure white was a fence. It was a simple chain link fence, similar to the one on the rooftop of Yuuri's middle school and later on in high school. Though, Yuuri found there was a small gate in the fencing.

But what caught Yuuri's attention the most was the fact there was someone else there with him.

They were slender; even dressed in a white kimono, they stood out among the already white scenery with a sort of glow. Their face was covered in a kabuki mask; their eyes, while closed, had four breathtaking strokes of green and red fanning out from them, and a symbol of a red waning moon on their forehead. They stood unmoving in the center of the ground, behind the fence.

"Come here." The voice he heard before said. Yuuri looked around before looking to stare at the figure.

"Are...are you talking to me?" Yuuri asked.

"Come here." They repeated.

Yuuri obeyed; he passed through the gate, walking towards the figure. It was strange; he knew he was walking, but they weren't getting closer. Yuuri even began running, but the figure seemed unmoving. When Yuuri stopped, the figure began walking towards him. Only when they started walking did they seem to be getting closer.

Yuuri took in more of them when they finally came within arm's reach. Their kimono was worn that it folded right over left, telling Yuuri this was a funeral kimono. Looking at their hands, Yuuri noticed the right ring finger had a circular burn at the base; tied around the same finger was a red thread that had been cut and only extended a few centimeters past the fingernail.

"U-um...were you...the one who stopped me? Last night, was that you talking to me?"

Yuuri saw the faintest of nods.

"Were you also the one that made me throw up?"

They nodded again.

"Why?"

The figure lifted their right arm, fully showing Yuuri their hand; the figure then looked down at Yuuri's hand. Yuuri wasn't sure why, but he copied the figure's movement. He was shocked. On his ring finger was a ring; a simple gold band. There was also red thread tied to his ring that trailed up towards the sky, going through a crack.

"Is this why?"

The figure nodded.

"What does this mean?"

"Do you really want to die?"

Yuuri was taken aback by the sudden question.

"Y...Yeah."

"Liar."

Yuuri felt the ground shake; looking behind him, he saw the void coil its way towards them. It's presence made Yuuri feel heavy; he tried to run but found his feet were immovable. He looked back to the figure, who just stood, untouched by the void.

Then he heard it speak. Yuuri wasn't sure if it was the figure or the void, but he was certain he had heard the phrase before.

「ね、生きたい 生きたい ホントの気持ち」  
                     

**______________**

 

Yuuri jolted himself up, panting from his dream. He could feel his shirt stick to his back from the sweat. Peeling off his damp shirt, Yuuri slumped over the rumpled clothing in his hands. He was startled when he heard a knock at his door. Forcing himself out of bed, he went to see who was knocking.

"Good morning, Yuuri!" Viktor greeted cheerfully after Yuuri opened his door.

Yuuri stared incredulously at the man in front of him. He couldn't stop himself from reaching out and touching the man's shoulder.

"You're...you're real," Yuuri breathed, yesterday's events vividly crashing into his thoughts to confirm Viktor was actually here.

"Last I checked I was, yes!" Viktor laughed. Catching Yuuri's shocked expression and slightly sweaty face, Viktor's eyebrows furrowed. "Yuuri, are you alright?"

"Oh, um," Yuuri stuttered, "I'm fine," he said; remembering that he had stripped his shirt off, he yelped and slammed the door right in Viktor's face. "I-I'll be out in a few minutes! Go ahead and wait in the main room!" Yuuri yelled through the door.

As Yuuri hastily dressed in workout clothes, he felt himself go red that he had just stood shirtless in front of the man he's idolized and admired for years. And he had his stomach out in front of him.

_'God, I probably disgusted him. I know I disgust myself with it.'_

Yuuri paused, looking down at his stomach. He poked at it, watching the small bounce in the plump skin. As it settled, he frowned in disdain.

_'I hate you so much.'_

Zipping up his jacket, Yuuri made his way down to where Viktor was waiting.  
  
                   

~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Yuuri could already feel a sheen of sweat forming on his forehead as he jogged behind Viktor's bike. The early spring sun wasn't much help, but Yuuri supposed that this would help him burn more weight. Viktor had told Yuuri to show him the skate rink he used so they could start training there. Viktor also turned the walk into exercise by having Yuuri run behind him while Viktor rode his bike. Yuuri felt embarrassed that Makkachin was going faster than him; but seeing as Makkachin had four legs and he had two, of course he would go faster. But still, Yuuri felt embarrassed.

Reaching Ice Castle, Viktor had told Makkachin to sit and wait outside. Makkachin whined but obeyed after promises of treats later from Viktor. Yuuri panted in the corner of the cool sanctuary of the ice rink's air conditioned entrance.

"Hi! I'm Viktor Nikiforov; I'll be Yuuri's coach from now on," Viktor said, introducing himself to the Nishigoris.

"Huh-what?! You're seriously going to be Yuuri's coach?!" Yuuri heard the Nishigoris yell.

Viktor just laughed and asked to be let on the ice. Yuuri swore Yuuko fumbled with the keys so much that she would develop back pain from how often she bent over to pick them up. Viktor had told the others to go on ahead and wait for him at the rink while Viktor changed from his regular shoes to his golden skates. Reappearing, Viktor stepped onto the ice and started skating to his program "Stay Close to Me", the very same Yuuri had done two nights prior. It was one thing to watch a video of Viktor's skating, but seeing it in person was so much more different. Yuuri felt as if Viktor took his breath and used that to skate. Watching him skate in person felt intimate to Yuuri; seeing how effortlessly Viktor skated enchanted Yuuri. Yuuko shared his feelings as she had tears in her eyes while she watched the Russian.

"A quadruple flip!" She cried, her grin never leaving her face.

"Mom I've got this!" Loop said, taking pictures with her camera.

"I'll take the video!" Axel said.

"Can I upload this?" Lutz asked.

"It's not for the public, you skating fanatic trio," Yuuri answered.

"Still...seriously?" Nishigori asked, still dazed from the reality that one of figure skating's most prominent figures was here in a small ice rink in an even smaller town.

"Yeah. He says he'd like to use this rink as our home base for now. Is that okay?" Yuuri asked, looking to Nishigori with mild nervousness on his face.

"Sure, okay! I'll talk to the higher ups!" Nishigori boomed, patting Yuuri on the back, "Viktor teaching you himself..." Nishigori said, slinging an arm over Yuuri's shoulders, "It's like a dream come true!"

"Yeah..." Yuuri agreed.

_'By the time I was twelve,'_ Yuuri thought, looking back to Viktor skating, _'Viktor, four years my senior, was already number one in the world. I've imitated him for years, trying to catch up to him. How could the video of me skating his routine inspire him? How did I inspire you, Viktor?'_

"The little piggy can't enter the rink until he drops some body weight," Viktor smiled, never stopping his skating.

_'Are you really serious about making me win?'_ Yuuri thought, allowing his skin to crawl at being called piggy again, _'Then learn better motivation; because insults isn't a good one.'_

After establishing that Ice Castle would be their home rink, Viktor waved goodbye to the Nishigoris and took Yuuri to continue his workout. Five sets of bench steps, two mile runs up and down stairs, and four sets of crunches later, Viktor decided to be merciful and call it a day. Yuuri could feel his legs burn with each step he took. He was certain his face was red from exertion, and he could feel how damp his shirt was on his back. Once they returned home, Yuuri dragged himself upstairs to his room to grab a new set of clothes and to shower. As he walked out, he made contact with a body that was outside his door.

"Yuuri! Let's bathe in the onsen together!" Viktor suggested, smiling as if Yuuri hadn't just run into him with his body still covered in sweat.

"Viktor, I'm sweaty and disgusting; I'm taking a shower instead. Go ahead and use the onsen if you want to; but know I won't be joining you. Excuse me," Yuuri said, hastily rushing past Viktor.

Reaching the bathroom, Yuuri locked the door before he started to undress. Looking at himself in the small sink mirror, he took in his appearance.

His face was rounded from his accumulated fat, giving him a soft baby face. His hair was stuck together from sweat, some parts sticking up in odd angles from where the shirt's collar brushed it when being removed. Blue rimmed glasses framed warm chocolate eyes. Looking past what the mirror showed him, he looked down at his stomach with disdain. He didn't want to look at his arms or thighs. Yuuri didn't want to see the faint scars that were there. He didn't want to see, but just thought of them still there brought back memories from school. It had been painful when he did it, but he felt better; Yuuri wondered if he could do it again now, but waved it away with the excuse he didn't have anything to use. Forcing himself to turn on the water, Yuuri took off his glasses and got in, allowing his mind to go blank under the hot water. After mindlessly washing, Yuuri dressed in his clean clothes and headed back to his room. Tossing his dirty laundry into his laundry basket, he threw himself onto his bed. Checking his phone, he was surprised at how early it still was; with the time being a little past 15:00. Going over his day, Yuuri could feel his stomach forming into knots. Opening his messages, he found a familiar name and texted it.

'Hey Minako-sensei. Is it alright if I come by the ballet studio?'

He only waited a minute before he got a reply.

'Of course Yuuri. I'll see you in a little bit.'

Smiling, Yuuri sent his teacher a thank you text before grabbing a jacket and putting on his face mask. His clothes were suitable enough to do ballet, so it would be fine. Heading down, he found his parents and told them he would be going to practice before walking out.

On his way, he passed by the pharmacy he had visited a few days ago. He checked the hours posted outside to see when they'd be closed; and cursed himself for not bringing any yen with him. Oh well, there was always next time, he told himself. Yuuri continued walking along, taking in the familiar buildings and people before finally reaching the studio. Heading inside, he climbed the stairs to meet Minako in her studio.

"Good evening, Minako-sensei," Yuuri greeted, giving her a small smile even though his mask covered it.

"Hello, Yuuri. Ready?"

Yuuri nodded, scurrying over to the cabinet pressed against the back and placing his jacket and face mask on top. Free of his jacket, Yuuri went over to the bar, warming himself up with stretches.

"You know, it's still strange to me," Minako said, watching Yuuri intently as he stretched.

"Hm? What is?" Yuuri asked.

"That Viktor is here at all. He's in the prime of his career, has five consecutive gold medal wins, and is the top athlete in figure skating. Why would he drop all of that to coach you?"

Yuuri wasn't sure how to answer. Frankly, he wasn't too sure he could even answer. Yuuri just skated a routine and that somehow summoned Viktor here to this remote part of Japan. It still baffled Yuuri knowing that Viktor Nikiforov was staying at his family's inn. A small part of him was happy, but he smothered it in doubt and uncertainty. He hadn't even checked the skating community's reaction to Viktor leaving. There would no doubt be sadness, but he was positive there would be outrage towards himself for being the cause.

"Maybe he just wanted an excuse to take a break," Minako said, pulling Yuuri out of his thoughts. Yuuri had that reason float around in his head for a while, but to hear it said aloud made him feel a sting in his chest.

"Please don't say that. I mean, that's what I suspect, too, but..."

"You decided to keep skating, didn't you? You need to take advantage of Viktor!"

Yuuri felt himself stiffen slightly at Minako's words. He didn't really decide. Yuuri wanted to die; but he was still alive. And now that Viktor was here, he didn't want to waste his time with a reluctant Yuuri. So he felt he didn't really have a choice. Fate, he guessed, decided for him that he should keep skating. He also felt a nagging in the back of his mind. That figure he saw in his dream appeared to have intervened. Yuuri still wasn't sure why, but he felt that figure was involved in all of it.

"Okay, let's get you slimmed down!" Minako said, twirling with a smile.

"O-okay..." Yuuri sighed, readying himself for the hellish workout he would be putting himself through.

                   

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

The next day, Viktor woke Yuuri up early for a morning run. Yuuri felt relief when he greeted Viktor at his bedroom door for two reasons.

1.) He was wearing a shirt this time instead of ruining Viktor's day with his shirtless self  
2.) He didn't have any dreams.

Dressing himself in breathable clothes, Viktor had him jog to a nearby lunch area at the base of Hasetsu Castle. After reaching the top, Viktor gave him a million-watt smile as he told him to run three miles up and down the stairs. Yuuri briefly thought about letting himself fall backwards on the steps but decided against it as, like he thought before when he thought to throw himself down the stairs at the inn, it'd be an inconvenience to his parents. Reaching the top again, he was able to hear Viktor tell him to give him a set of 30 bench steps over his heavy breathing. Yuuri briefly wondered if Viktor was trying to kill him and if he should thank him for it. In the middle of his set, Viktor spoke up.

"Where did you go? When I came back in from the onsen to eat your mom told me you left."

"Oh," Yuuri didn't think Viktor would notice him gone. He was a very quiet person; even his parents sometimes didn't notice when he wasn't at the inn. "I went out to Minako-sensei's place."

"Minako? Why don't you tell me about her?"

"Huh? Why do you want to know all of a sudden?"

"As your coach, it's my job to know who my student associates himself with," Viktor replied matter-of-factly.

Yuuri let out a small breath. Viktor did give a good reason, and he did want to provide little to no problems at all. He is using Viktor's time, after all, so he might as well just give him what he wants.

"Minako-sensei is a ballet instructor. She used to travel the world as a dancer before settling down here. When I was younger, I spent more time in her ballet class than at home. I even started skating because Minako-sensei urged me to," Yuuri said, a small smile of gratitude gracing his face, "She's always cheered me on, but she likes to meddle in my life too."

"Do you have feelings for Minako?"

The sudden question about feelings caught Yuuri off guard that he actually slipped off the bench and landed with a loud thud on the ground. He could feel the sharper bits of gravel poke into his skin, internally wincing at the pinpricks of pain that shot up his legs. Yuuri wondered if any part of his scars had opened due to the gravel. _'Maybe I can open them again using the small cut as a starting place...'_ Yuuri quickly brushed the thought aside as he moved himself to sit on the bench and answer Viktor's question.

"What?! No way! She's way older than me!" He spat out, waving his arms in front of him as if he could wave away the question.

"Do you have a lover?"

"N-no..."

"What about ex-lovers?" Viktor asked, his expression lighting up for some odd reason.

"No comment."

"Then let's talk about me!" Viktor beamed, suddenly leaning in and barging in on Yuuri's personal space. Viktor only got two words out before Yuuri nearly yelled, asking him to stop talking. Viktor mercifully relented, sighing in disappointment and defeat. Yuuri felt his stomach start to twist in anxious knots.

_'Should I have let him continue? But, why would he even bring up romance in the first place?'_

Yuuri was pulled out of his thoughts by Makkachin's sudden barking. Turning to look at the poodle, Yuuri saw him barking at Hasetsu Castle that towered over them. Viktor looked to see what caught his dog's attention; he followed his gaze and seemed to notice the giant castle in the distance.

"Yuuri, what's that castle over there?"

"Oh, that's Hasetsu Castle. It's empty, but inside is a ninja house," Yuuri told him, even bringing his hands together to perform a ninja hand sign.

"Really? Ninjas?!" Viktor gasped, his eyes sparkled with awe and excitement, "Can we go there Yuuri? Please?"

"What, now?"

"Yes, please? I want to see the ninja house!"

Yuuri was stunned by how excited Viktor was at wanting to go see Hasetsu Castle. It reminded him of himself when Minako-sensei told him stories of her travels as a dancer. Yuuri remembered how enchanted he was when Minako would describe all the places she had seen; the feeling of dancing on stage in front of hundreds of people. Yuuri felt his lips curve into a small smile as he stood, directing Viktor and Makkachin to follow him to the base of Hasetsu Castle. They were still a bit far from the building before Yuuri saw Viktor run towards Hasetsu Castle with Makkachin running by his side. Yuuri felt himself smile; it made him happy that Viktor seemed to be excited about seeing this place.

_'He's so excited, it's kind of cute,'_ Yuuri thought briefly before waving away the thought, jogging to catch up and have a cover for the heat in his cheeks.

"Yuuri, here! Take a picture please!" Viktor asked, handing his phone to Yuuri before bending down to lift up Makkachin's front half of her body and hold her in his arms. Holding him in one arm, he raised his free arm and held up his hand in a peace sign, giving a wink and smile towards Yuuri.

"O-ok; 1,2,3," Yuuri counted, taking the picture.

Hearing the sound of the click from the camera app, Viktor set down Makkachin gently before taking his phone back from Yuuri.

"What do you think Yuuri; should I add a filter?"

"Oh! Uh, I th-think it looks fine as it is..."

"Then no filter!" Viktor beamed, giving a triumphant "yes!" as his upload of his picture was successful.

"So...what are we doing now?" Yuuri hesitantly asked. He didn't want to ruin Viktor's good mood by bringing himself up, but he didn't want to exactly shirk his training as well.

Viktor didn't seem to hear him since he just kept scrolling on his phone. Yuuri deflated a bit from being ignored but expected it. Who was he to bother Viktor with himself? Yuuri was always a quiet person, so being unheard was natural for him. But he would be lying if he said it didn't sting when he was ignored. Turning on his heel quietly, he jogged off, returning to the bench they were at before.

Yuuri slowed to walking when he was a good distance away from where he had left Viktor. Once he reached the benches, he sat down and sighed, letting his feet rest. He had high stamina but even he was starting to feel worn down by Viktor's hellish workout regimen. Not wanting to focus on the dull throbbing of his feet, Yuuri pulled out his phone and opened Instagram. Yuuri never really posted anything, just pictures of scenery he thought was nice. He really made the account because Phichit wouldn't stop hounding him until he did. Yuuri always loved seeing Phichit's selfies in his feed. It always made him feel happy to see how happy Phichit himself looked in the pictures and what sort of background he'd use. Besides Phichit's account, the only other account he followed was Viktor's. And there it was; at the top of his feed was Viktor's picture in front of Hastestu Castle.

'Hastestu Castle! Maybe I can become a #ninja !'

Yuuri couldn't help the giggle that escaped him after reading the caption. He wasn't surprised that after ten minutes Viktor's picture already had 32,000 likes and 108 comments. Viktor was the top celebrity in figure skating after all. Viktor...was so important.

_'Why is he here?'_

Feeling the beginning of his stomach tying itself into knots, he opened Twitter and saw Viktor's name in the top trending hashtags. Tapping on the hashtag, he saw people already reacting to where Viktor was.

"What the...(lol) Viktor's photo?!"

"Is Viktor Nikiforov truly in the town of Hasetsu?"

"So it's true Viktor is going to be Yuuri Katsuki's coach...lol"

Most reactions were surprised, but Yuuri dug deeper and sure enough, there it was.

"Why is Viktor in the middle of nowhere with a nobody skater?"

"Who the hell is Yuuri Katsuki?"

"Didn't he place dead last in Sochi? Why is Viktor with him lmao."

"Viktor ditched skating for a nobody?"

Yuuri's stomach was now completely in knots. He could feel bile rise in his throat. Clamping his hands over his mouth, he tried to focus on his breathing like how Mari calmed him a few nights ago. Yuuri tried to calm himself but nothing was working. He could hear ringing in his ears; the slight breeze was too much, he closed his eyes but it was too bright that he felt blinded. Yuuri just wanted to crawl under his blankets at home and hyperventilate himself into sleep.

He startled at the sudden weight on his knee.

Opening his eyes he was surprised to see Makkachin with his head on Yuuri's knee. He was staring up at Yuuri. Makkachin began rubbing his head on his knee, trying to pull Yuuri's attention towards him. Yuuri tentatively lowered a hand from his mouth to rub Makkachin's head, feeling his soft fur beneath his fingertips. Yuuri saw his tail wag before he was licked ferociously.

"M-Makkachin?! Haha, s-stop that! It tickles!" Yuuri yelped, trying to pull the suddenly affectionate poodle off of him. He found himself in a fit of giggles from her tongue and decided to let her lick him until she was tired. Yuuri wasn't sure if anyone could hear his laugh; the light, airy tone that sounded like bubbles floating up and popping before they reached the sky. Eventually, Makkachin decided to relent and got off Yuuri, returning to his place on Yuuri's knee. Yuuri cleaned the saliva off his face before looking down at Makkachin.

"Thank you," he murmured, scratching behind his ears.

                   

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

It had been a few weeks, but Yuuri had finally reached his weight loss goal. Viktor had been very happy that Yuuri was back to his old weight, and told him that they could start skating the next day. Yuuri was just glad that he had managed to get back down to his old weight in a short time. He did cheat, if you could call skipping meals and sneaking out for late night runs cheating, but if anything to lose weight worked, he'd do it.

Yuuri was jogging towards Ice Castle, taking in the lessening press and fans that had shown up when Viktor posted that picture of him in front of Hasetsu Castle. Viktor had geo-tagging turned on which led to Yu-Topia getting flooded with paparazzi and fans. It was great for the inn since it meant an increase in profits, but not for Yuuri or Viktor since their training would be interrupted by a fan or paparazzo.

He sighed as he saw the front doors of Ice Castle were crowded.

_'Guess there are more people trying to see Viktor,'_ he thought, forcing himself through the crowd. He was a little embarrassed since he had hit the wall near the door, but was excited to finally be on the ice again.

"I'm finally here...I'm exhausted..." he panted, taking a short break to catch his breath.

"Yuuri!" The triplets called in unison.

"Hey, get this! My weight is finally back down to what it was before the Grand Prix Final. Now I'll get Viktor's permission to skate," he said, moving to enter.

Yuuri was surprised when he felt the pressure of a solid mass on his back. His eyes flew wide when he realized he was kicked into the front counter and stared up at the ceiling in shock. Yuuri only saw the white of the ceiling for a split second before a foot ground onto his face.

"It's all your fault. Apologize," his attacker spat out, grinding his foot harder into his face with each word he spoke. Yuuri had to strain his eyes to be able to look past the rubber most likely bruising his skin; seeing the blonde hair and recognizing the voice he vividly recalled that same voice telling him to retire.

_'Why is Yuri Plisetsky here? And why is he furious at me?!'_ Yuuri panicked, rapidly giving apologies to the fuming Russian.

"Hey pig! Fatso! Get up," Yuri said, removing his heel from Yuuri's face, "tell me where Viktor is. I have to talk to him."

"What? Why?" Yuuri asked, gently rubbing at his forehead.

"He promised me first that he'd choreograph a program for me," he explained, leaning casually against the counter as if he hadn't just ground his foot against Yuuri's face, "What about you?"

"Huh?" Yuuri said, lifting himself off the floor, "We haven't gotten to talking about programs or anything."

"What?! You make him take a whole year off, and to do what? Isn't getting him as a coach enough?" Yuri yelled, stalking closer to Yuuri, "As if a guy who'd sob in a toilet stall at the Grand Prix Final can change at all by getting Viktor as a coach!" He sneered, a spiteful grin on his face.

_'He's...'_

Yuuri recalled the words the younger skater coldly said to him at the Grand Prix Final. Yuuri remembered willing himself to start the draft of his letter after Yuri had left the bathroom. He knew he really shouldn't be skating; if he wasn't so stupid he'd be in a casket by now. But for some bizarre reason he was here, getting yelled at by a fifteen year old Russian who needed to work on his anger, in Yuuri's opinion. Yuri's words simultaneously created wounds on Yuuri's non-existent ego and poured salt into them. In other words, he was angry that this kid was yelling in his face. Who the hell was he to think he could tell Yuuri he should retire based on one viewing of his skating? He didn't know what he was capable of if Yuuri gave a shit and tried.

_'He's totally underestimating me,'_ Yuuri thought, smirking as he saw Yuri grow more agitated.

"I don't really get the whole picture, so you should go ask him yourself," Yuuri cooly said, letting the younger skater walk ahead of him by a few steps before following.

_'Viktor came all the way to Hasetsu because he wanted to. Just to be my coach.'_

Yuuri turned the thought over in his head a few more times. It had been a little past a month, but he still found it surreal that Viktor was still here. He was certain that when Viktor looked at him, he'd get fed up and leave. Yet here he was, still staying in his family's inn.

_'Still, I'm sure he'll leave eventually. It's just a matter of time before I fuck something up and he leaves. Don't let yourself get happy about this,'_ Yuuri reminded himself, opening the doors to the ice.

Opening the doors, Yuuri let the cold air of the room wash over him. He always liked the cold of the ice when he skated. It helped calm him down just a little whenever he felt himself get anxious. But seeing Viktor skate on the ice added with the rush of cold air added something more. As if Viktor skating gave off the impression he was a snow god, and his skating was how he summoned snow. Yuuri followed Viktor; his eyes trailing every movement of muscle beneath his skin. Viktor's skating left Yuuri breathless just like the first time he had seen him skate on tv all those years ago.

"Those moves...they're for the short program Viktor was practicing for next season," Yuri remarked, snapping Yuuri out of his trance.

"What?" Yuuri asked, not having paid much attention to what Yuri said.

"Viktor was already putting together routines for next season. But he was really torn. Surprising the audience has always been his top priority. He had the world in his hands. But now," Yuri said, resting his chin in his arms on the wall of the rink, "no matter what he does, no one's surprised anymore. He knows that better than anyone. If you don't have any inspiration left, you're as good as dead."

Inspiration.

Yuuri can't remember the last time he genuinely felt that. Actually, seeing Viktor skate at the Junior World Championships was the last time he felt inspiration. Inspiration, admiration, infatuation; so many emotions came from that first time he saw Viktor skate. It was a little embarrassing, but Yuuri always treasured those feelings. Recalling that Minako-sensei told him that Viktor had been inspired by his skating and that had been his reason for coming to Hasetsu.

_'No. No, no, you're nothing. He was probably appalled by your skating and wanted to correct you. Don't get your hopes up,'_ Yuuri scolded himself, crushing the small bubbling feeling of happiness.

_ 'He's fascinated with you.' _

_'What?'_

_ 'Viktor can't take his eyes off you.' _

_'That's not true.'_ Yuuri was wondering why the voice was speaking like this. It had been very quiet for a while, and Yuuri only had glimpses of the figure when he had the dream of standing at the edge.

_'What reason do I have to lie?_ '

"If he's going to take next season off, I wonder if he'll let me use his program."

"H-huh?" Yuuri mumbled, pulled out of his conversation with the voice.

"I know I can surprise people more. I need Viktor's help if I'm going to make my senior debut and win the Grand Prix Final," Yuri quietly declared, eyes full of determination.

"What? Win?" Yuuri asked as he watched Yuri lean back and take a deep breath.

"You look like you're doing great, Viktor!" Yuri yelled, making Yuuri jump suddenly.

"Oh, Yuri, you're here? I'm surprised Yakov let you come. What do you want?" Viktor asked, setting his hands on his hips.

Yuuri could only see the side of Yuri's face, but he could tell that Yuri was scowling. Though looking at Viktor, Yuuri saw Viktor's eyes twinkle in amusement.

"Judging from that look, I'm guessing I forgot some promise I made?" Viktor said.

Yuuri felt a little bad for Yuri that Viktor didn't remember what he had promised him. Little was the key word; he was still bitter over the horrible attitude he was given earlier. But he felt pained having to listen to Yuri remind Viktor of his promise of choreographing a routine for him.

"Sorry, sorry!" Viktor laughed, scratching the back of his head, "I totally forgot! But you knew I was the forgetful type, right?"

"Yeah, I'm painfully aware of that," Yuri muttered, gritting his teeth as his body shook in silent anger, "But a promise is a promise! You'll choreograph my new program, Viktor!" He suddenly yelled, sticking out an arm in front of Yuuri as if to stop him from walking past him, "Let's go back to Russia!"

Yuuri blinked in shock at Yuri's demand. He looked over to Viktor and actually felt his stomach drop when Viktor seemed to think it over. Yuuri tried to will his stomach back into place. After all, he had been telling himself Viktor was bound to leave eventually. He just hadn't expect it to be this soon.

"Okay, I've decided!" Viktor said, snapping his fingers, "Tomorrow I'll choreograph a program for both of you to the same music I'm using in my short program."

"What?! With the same choreography?!" Yuuri yelped in surprise.

"Huh?! The same music as him?!" Yuri yelled, angry that he wasn't getting a program solely for him.

"No, this piece has several different arrangements. I was trying to decide which one to use. I'll think of a different program for each of you, of course," Viktor explained, "I'll reveal the programs in one week! You'll compete to see who can surprise the audience more!"

"Wh-whoa! Let's take a step back here; I don't want to be punished for losing..." Yuuri said, unease and anxiety settling in his bones.

"Viktor will do whatever the winner says! If those are the terms, I'm in!" Yuri proposed, his eyes burning with newfound determination.

"Great! I love that kind of thing!" Viktor agreed, his face full of hopeful excitement of the coming competition between the two.

"Wait just a minute!" A trio of voices yelled.

"Will you let us organize the event?" Lutz asked, "A face-off between Yuri of Russia and Yuuri of Japan! Let's throw a huge party!" She declared, throwing a small fist of excitement into the air.

"That's such a great idea! Tell your mother that I fully approve of this!" Viktor yelled, eager from the idea Lutz had proposed.

Yuuri felt anxiety twist his stomach into knots.

                     

~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Yuuri was amazed and horrified all at once when he stepped outside Ice Castle. In the distance he could see a banner down the side of Hasetsu Castle that read 'Hasetsu Castle Exhibition "Hot Springs on Ice" Presented by Viktor Nikiforov.'

It had barely been two hours since Viktor declared the competition between the two skaters. The speed of which news spread frightened Yuuri. He kept hearing the announcement of the news on the local storm warning speakers the entire walk home and he wanted it to stop.

Once back at the inn, Yuuri followed Viktor and Yuri to Viktor's room at Viktor's insistence that Yuri see it.

"This is my room! Isn't it nice?" Viktor hummed, sitting on his sofa to let Makkachin lay her head on his lap.

"Talk about a hovel. Where's my room?" Yuri said, looking around Viktor's room as if his own room would magically appear.

"You're staying here?!" Yuuri yelled in disbelief.

"If you get Viktor to yourself all the time, it won't be a fair match! I'll stay here, too! Alright?" Yuri explained.

"Well it's not like you actually care what I think," Yuuri admitted, throwing up his arms in defeat.

"The onsen is great," Viktor added.

"I can't take a bath with other people! I'm going to sleep!" Yuri yelled, slamming the door behind him.

An exceptionally loud growl came from behind the door.

"Give me food! And a bath!" Yuri demanded.

"Right..." Yuuri mumbled, switching into work mode, "follow me."

Leading the younger Russian skater down towards the onsen, he grabbed a set of towels and inn robes for him while explaining how the onsen worked. He noticed that Yuri was actually listening to him carefully, a bit relieved that he wasn't as insufferable as he was before. Handing him the essentials, Yuuri raced back up to Viktor's room that dinner would be ready in a while and be served in a private dinning room.

"Do you want anything in particular?"

"Hmm, maybe just a beer and glass of ice for it? I'm not hungry."

Yuuri nodded, leaving Viktor to head down to the kitchen to help his mother cook a customer's order of curry rice. Once that was done and served, Yuuri told his mother that Viktor had a friend visiting and that he'd like to try katsudon. Smiling, his mother bustled about the kicthen grabbing all the ingredients needed.

After finishing the cooking, Yuuri stopped to prepare a glass of ice and grab a beer for Viktor. On his way back he was lucky enough catch Yuri coming in from the onsen. He looked relaxed enough, so Yuuri told him to follow him since he was carrying his dinner. Heading upstairs he poked his head into Viktor's room to let him know his drink was here. Waiting until Viktor joined them, Yuuri led them to the dining room his mother had mentioned for him to use. Entering the room, Yuuri set down the tray and opted to sit with his back to the door. Viktor sat across from him while Yuri opted to sit between them.

"Hello boys," a cheerful voice said.

"Oh, mom," Yuuri acknowledged, watching his mother enter the room to stand off to Yuri's side. "Yuri, this is my mother," Yuuri introduced.

"It's very nice to meet you. I hope you enjoy your meal," she said.

Yuri didn't even bother asking what he was about to eat as he grabbed the fork Yuuri remembered to take and started scarfing down the food.

"This is great!" Yuri said in between bites.

"The pork cutlet bowl is great isn't it?" Viktor hummed, sipping his glass of beer.

Yuuri noticed the door open and saw his sister was on the other side.

"You have another visitor, Yuuri?" Mari asked, a little surprised at the appearance of another skater.

"Huh?" Yuri asked, looking towards Mari.

"Oh, his name is also Yuri, dear," Hisoko explained.

"What? That's confusing. Okay, you're Yurio!" Mari declared, pointing at Yuri.

"What?!" Yuri screamed.

"Anyway, where will Yurio be staying?" Mari asked her brother.

"Upstairs in–"

"The storage room?! Oh no, I have to clean it up!" Mari wailed, running off to go clean the room. She poked her head back in to stare at Yuuri, "Yuuri, come help."

Sighing, he stood up and left to go help his sister. He was only a few feet away from the door when Viktor's voice caught his attention.

"Good for you, Yurio."

"Shut up! That's not my name!" Yuri yelled at him.

Hearing Viktor's laugh and peeking his head back in to see how happy he looked, Yuuri felt something click in his mind.

_'I see...of course.'_

He went onto autopilot as he grabbed the nearest jacket from his room and ran past his sister (he'd have to make it up to her later) and ran all the way to the entrance of the inn.

_'That Yuri has more potential than I do.'_

Yuuri jogged in the cool night breeze, not caring about what was around him. He let the inky black of the night sky bleed around him, enveloping him in a scene of darkness; his muscles knew where he was going, so he allowed his thoughts to drift elsewhere.

_'He's pretty confident, saying he'll win the Grand Prix Final on his first run as a senior. Above all, he's comfortable in front of Viktor. Compared to me, he's much more...'_

Yuuri registered that it suddenly became brighter. Blinking, the night seemed to melt away at the warm light pouring from the doors he was standing in front of. He walked in, greeting Yuuko with only a wave. Seeing his face, Yuuko gave him a gentle smile as she watched him head towards the ice.

Switching to his skates, Yuuri put on his skate guards as he walked out to the ice. Reaching the gap allowing people to go on the ice, he removed his guards and glasses and glided onto the ice. His eyesight was terrible without his glasses, but he could still see the scratches from other skaters on the ice. Yuuri lazily traced their tracks, his free leg trailing behind him.

_'He's going to leave. The competition will happen, Yuri will win, and Viktor will go back to Russia. It's so obvious. I'm so stupid to think that I could actually...Viktor just wanted an excuse to leave skating for a little bit. That's all this is. A sort of vacation.'_ Yuuri felt angry at the squeeze he felt in his chest, and even angrier that his sight was growing blurry. _'This is fine. This wasn't what was supposed to happen anyway. I was supposed to try again after I failed the first time, but since Viktor is here I couldn't. Once he leaves, I'll try again. I should buy some painkillers on the way home. I think there's still a good amount of cold medicine in my drawer. I can probably crush the pills and mix it with the cold medicine. Maybe that would make it more effective? Or should I sneak a beer?'_

"Yuuri?"

Yuuri startled at the voice that called his name. Squinting in the direction it came from, he skated over until he saw a distinguishable outline.

"Nishigori?"

"Yeah; Listen, I know you want to skate, but it's gotten really late. I'm sorry but..." Nishigori apologized.

"No, it's fine. I'm probably troubling you anyway, so I'll go. Good night." Yuuri said, curtly cutting him off as he grabbed his things. Once back in his regular shoes, he bid good-night to Yuuko and headed back out.

Yuuri made sure to stop by the drug store he visited last time on his way home. Heading inside, he found the strongest over the counter pain-killers and paid the old man at the register. The small bottle in his hand, Yuuri stuffed it into his pocket and headed home.  
                     

**______________**

 

Yuuri found himself back at the edge. The void was still there; writhing yet still, getting closer to him but far from him. And sure enough, the same figure he saw was back. Though Yuuri noticed that instead of the waning moon from before, it had been replaced with a single circle; a new moon, Yuuri guessed.

"Who are you?" Yuuri asked.

The figure slowly shook its head.

"Why can't you tell me?"

The figure seemed to stare at him before bringing up its right hand, showing Yuuri the burn on their ring finger and the cut red string around the base of it.

"It has something to do with your finger?"

The figure nodded.

"Then...the red string?"

It nodded again.

Yuuri went over what the missing finger could mean. He knew that red string was usually symbolic of soulmates bound by fate. Always tied to each other, the string stretched across time, a guide for the two to find each other. He had never heard of it being cut before.

"Did something happen...to your soulmate?"

The figure looked down at the ground.

"Oh, I-I didn't mean to–"

"I was stupid."

Yuuri was taken aback. The figure usually didn't speak. They were always silent when Yuuri was here.

"I hurt them. Everyone." The figure whispered, their voice cracking.

"How...did you hurt them?" Yuuri dared to ask, cautiously taking a step closer towards the figure.

The figure's head shot up to look at Yuuri. They stalked towards Yuuri, grabbing him by his neck and holding him up. Yuuri tried to free himself from the hand but could only struggle in the iron grip. He heard the void starting to grow closer, and saw it wrap around the figure holding him. Yuuri tried to free himself one last time but found his legs starting to be immobilized by the void already spreading to him after enveloping the figure.

There was nothing but the void and the voice.

「I died.」  
                 

**_________________**

 

Yuuri shot up in bed; he could feel his heart hammering in his ribcage and the sweat on his face. All too quickly he felt a lump in his throat and knowingly rushed to the bathroom down the hall. He didn't even register the mass he tripped over when he left his room.

Slamming the door, Yuuri hunched over and threw up into the toilet.

Yuuri wasn't sure how long he'd been there or even what time it was. All he could focus on was the acidic content burning his nose and throat. His eyes were shut tightly from the tears he could feel escape.

Feeling the last of the vomit leave him, Yuuri breathed deeply as he reached for the handle to flush the contents down the pipe. Standing up, he wobbled to the nearby sink and looked at himself.

His hair was stuck to his face from sweat. There were bags under his eyes, his actual eyes reminding himself of muddy water. His face was flushed and Yuuri noticed a trail of vomit on the corner of his mouth and grimaced.

_'I look like crap. I feel even worse.'_ Yuuri thought as he turned on the faucet to rinse out the bitter taste in his mouth.

Yuuri spent a long time rinsing out his mouth before he finally felt like the taste was gone. Leaving the bathroom, he encountered Makkachin waiting outside the door.

"Makkachin?"

"Oh, Yuuri!"

"V-Viktor?!" Yuuri started, surprised by his presence, "o-oh, did I, uh, wake you?"

"No, I heard Makkachin scratching at my door and came to see what was bothering her. She led me here and now here you are," he explained, rubbing sleep out of his eye.

"I see..."

"Yuuri, are you alright? Are you sick?"

"No, I...I just had a dream," Yuuri muttered, shivering at the events that occurred before he woke up.

"Yuuri, dreams aren't supposed to make you throw up. Was it a nightmare?"

"I," Yuuri started, looking away from Viktor, "I don't know. I've had this dream before; a few times actually. But this is the first time that..."

Viktor looked at Yuuri and couldn't help but think of how small Yuuri looked; the pale moonlight doing little to light the dark hallway, the darkness hiding the Japanese man. He looked so timid that Viktor felt the need to hug him and hold him until he felt better.

"I'm sorry. I probably disturbed you. It's late, and we have to wake up soon. Good night, Viktor," Yuuri said, shattering the small silence between them before he returned to his room.

Viktor stared after him until he felt sleep start to pull him back to his room.  
  
                       

~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Yuuri woke up a few hours later thanks to his alarm. Lifting himself up from his bed, he hoped the sluggish feeling would subside as he changed into his workout clothes. Looking out the window, he sighed as he remembered his encounter with Viktor earlier.

_'He probably woke up because of me. He just used Makkachin as an excuse. God, I hope Yuri didn't hear me either. I'd never hear the end of it from him. But that dream...'_ Yuuri shuddered, remembering the grip he felt on his throat. _'Their fingers were so cold. I thought they would kill me...'_

Yuuri shook off the unease as he headed downstairs; he saw Viktor and Yuri already having breakfast and chatting about something. Viktor, having noticed him, waved at him.

"Good morning, Yuuri!"

"About time, fatso," Yuri said.

"G-good morning..." Yuuri weakly greeted, gently lowering himself down to eat his portion of breakfast.

"What the hell's wrong with you? You look like shit," Yuri commented, having set down his bowl and looking at Yuuri.

"Sorry, I look like shit because I feel like shit and I'm also shit in general; so there's that," Yuuri replied, too exhausted and mentally drained from last night to give much thought to his words.

Yuuri didn't notice the look of shock from both Viktor and Yuri, nor did he notice the stern look Viktor shot Yuri.

"Well, let me grab my jacket and then we can head out and start your training for today," Viktor said, excusing himself from the awkward atmosphere Yuuri had created.

Yuuri just mindlessly poked at his food. He wasn't entirely in the mood to eat after he spilled his stomach contents earlier. And skipping meals helped keep weight off, so he thought of it as a win-win.

"You better eat. I'm not having my training be interrupted just because your ass collapsed on the ice," Yuri growled, tapping a finger on the table in annoyance.

Oh, right. In addition to not wanting to waste Viktor's time or causing him trouble, now he had Yuri to consider. He was still rude, but he did have a point. If he collapsed, then he'd make Viktor worry. Yuuri would also probably be taken to a hospital and wasting Viktor's time until he recovered. So Yuuri ate as much as he could force down without upsetting his stomach. He finished half of his food when Viktor came back down.

"Ready?" Viktor asked.

"Yeah," Yuuri replied, standing up.

"About time", Yuri responded, heading straight for the door.

Heading out into the slightly cold morning, Viktor grabbed the bike he had used before and walked out to the street. Mounting his bike, he told the two Yuris that the first part of training would be a run to Ice Castle. Kicking off on his bike, Viktor went ahead with Yuri closely following. Yuuri was left trailing behind them.

"Good morning!" Viktor called to a man who was fishing on the side of the bridge they were crossing, "You say hi too, Yurio."

"That's not my name!" Yuri yelled.

The entire run continued in silence until they reached Ice Castle. Inside, Viktor greeted Yuuko who was polishing the counter and told her that they would be using the ice rink today. Yuuko nodded in acknowledgement before smiling at Yuuri and Yuri.

"Good morning you two. Have a good day practicing," she said.

The two skaters nodded at her before heading into the locker room. Yuuri sat the end of the bench as Yuri took the other end.

_'Viktor is finally going to start teaching me today.'_ Yuuri thought as he laced up his skates, _'Whether this is my last season or not rides on this. I'll never win if I don't give all I have here! I can't lose this "Hot Springs on Ice" match! And then I'll aim for the Grand Prix Final!'_

He felt false confidence in his chest and decided to cage the feeling in his chest. Yuuri was going to need whatever feelings he could muster if he was going to convince himself he actually has a chance.

Both skaters headed out onto the ice where Viktor was waiting for them.

"First, let's have you two listen to the music," Viktor started, turning towards the small stereo perched on the wall behind him.

Hitting the play button on the control in his hand, the room filled with angelic singing. A calm, pure feeling washed over Yuuri as he listened to the music.

"The piece comes in two arrangements," Viktor said, "each with a different theme. 'On Love: Eros and Agape.' Have you ever thought about love?"

Yuuri merely shook his head as Yuri replied "nope."

"All right. Then what do you feel when you listen to this music?" Viktor asked.

Yuuri closed his eyes and let the music fill his heart.

"It's very clear and innocent," he started, "like someone who doesn't know what love is yet."

Yuuri could already picture the story to the music. A woman who had never known love until she met a man who completely enchanted her. Something akin to a fairytale story.

"I don't like this piece," Yuri curtly replied, "This innocence crap makes me wanna barf," he said, even making gagging noises for emphasis. Yuuri jumped a little at the noise, being reminded of earlier in the morning.

"Okay. Then what about this one?" Viktor said as he played the next song.

Yuuri was surprised by the sudden change in tone. The song was fast, like a flamenco, the violin ringing out clearly along with it's accompanying guitar.

"It's like a completely different song," Yuuri muttered, closing his eyes to soak in the music.

"Viktor! I want to skate to this one!" Yuri demandingly said. Yuuri didn't have to see to feel Yuri's glare on him.

"The first piece is 'On Love: Agape.'" Viktor started explaining, causing Yuuri to break his focus on the music and look at Viktor, "The theme is unconditional love. And this piece is 'On Love: Eros.' The theme is sexual love. I'll have you two skate to these opposing themes. This is how I'm assigning them."

Viktor stared intently at them as he skated a few feet closer.

"Yuuri, you'll skate to Eros!" He exclaimed, pointing at Yuuri before turning to point at Yuri, "Yurio, you'll skate to Agape!"

A beat of stunned silence passed between the two before the finished processing their assignments.

"WHAT?!" Yuri roared in anger.

"Switch them! T-that piece isn't me at all!" Yuuri groaned.

"You have to do the opposite of what people expect. How else will you surprise them? That's my motto," Viktor explained matter-of-factly.

"Actually," he continued, plastering on his paparazzi smile, "you're both far more ordinary and mediocre than you think. You need to be more self-aware. I'm surprised you think you can choose your own image. From the audience's perspective, you're just a piglet and a kitten. If you aren't up to my standards by next week, I won't choreograph either of your programs. Both of you are my fans, so I'm sure you'll manage just fine."

Yuuri gawked at Viktor. Yuuri skating to Eros? That wasn't him at all. If anything Yuuri would have been perfect for Agape. But Viktor did say doing the opposite of what people expect is better. Still, Yuuri was stunned that he couldn't help but stare at Viktor.

_'I already know I'm not that great. I'm a dime-a-dozen skater. I know that. I know I'm also fat. Still, it stings when I have to hear what I already know.'_

"Fine," Yuri quietly said, causing Yuuri to look over to him, "I'll skate to Agape. My senior division debut depends on it!" Yuri said, stepping closer to Viktor and staring at him directly in the eye, "You'd better give me a performance that'll let me win!"

"It's up to you whether you win or not. If I skated the program, I'd win for sure."

Yuri hissed before kicking the ice with his skate.

"If I win, Viktor, you're coming back to Russia. And you'll be my coach! That's what I want!"

"Hm, sure."

_'Of course. Viktor looks so confident that Yuri will win. Then what is he doing here? Why hasn't he gone back to Russia already? Was this all just his idea of taking a break? I-I can't–no, I was expecting this. He's going to leave and then I'll die. Everything will be fine. Viktor belongs on the ice and so does Yuri. Why am I here? Why didn't I die when I came home?'_ Yuuri's mind went into overdrive, negativity clouding his thoughts. _'I have the painkillers so it should add more. I can probably sneak some beer and mix it with cold medicine and the pills. That should work, right?'_

_ 'You will win.' _

_'Huh?'_

_ 'You are destined to win. Viktor will stay then.' _

_'Destined? What do you mean?'_

_ 'You will win.' _

"Yuuri, what about you?" Viktor asked, calling Yuuri out of his thoughts, "What would you like to do if you win?"

_'Win? What do I do if I win? How did I usually celebrate winning...?'_

"I want to eat pork cutlet bowls with you, Viktor," Yuuri said.

_'You will win. And Viktor will stay with you. That's what you want, isn't it?'_ The voice said.

"I want to keep on winning, and keep on eating pork cutlet bowls with you! So I'll skate to Eros! I'll give it all the Eros I've got!" Yuuri yelled, his voice cracking from having been used at a loud volume. He felt embarrassed at having yelled, and Viktor and Yuri staring at him made it worse. Yuuri felt it melt away when Viktor sent him a sparkling smile.

"Great! That's exactly what I like!" Viktor exclaimed.

Yuuri felt his earlier thoughts clear away, like fog fading from the sun's rays.

_'I don't know if I can do this, but...I really want to go out with a bang.'_ Yuuri thought, feeling a fire he thought had long since died slowly rekindle inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for reference, the underlined parts are the figure Yuuri sees in his dream. And the phases of the moon have different meanings, so the moon will change reflecting Yuuri's mood. if you want to talk to me about something, feel free to message me at data-roxass.tumblr.com


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for references to past bullying and suicidal thoughts

Yuuri felt his heart hammer in his chest. The newfound fire lighting itself seemed to warm him, dusting his cheeks red and even coloring the tips of his ears. After he declared he'd skate with all of his "Eros", he frankly felt embarrassed and wanted to crawl under his blanket at home and hide until he died from becoming a recluse. Though Viktor seemed happy with his response, so Yuuri decided to just try and ignore it.

"Okay then; I've already got the choreography planned, now I just have to show you both. So please get off the ice," Viktor said.

Both Yuris quickly skated off the ice, putting on their skate guards and stood behind the walls of the rink.

"First is Yurio's 'On Love: Agape.'" Viktor announced, taking his starting place on the ice.

The heavenly aria of the singer's voice filled the room, adding an ethereal feel to Viktor's gliding form on the ice. Yuuri could clearly see the story tied to the routine.

A woman with a heart cold as ice. She is numb inside; she has never known warmth. She always prays to God, who's love is kind and self-sacrificing, that she may experience love and that her heart will melt. Then one day, a man appears. Suddenly, the woman feels the ice around her heart melt. She feels warmth-no, a fire in her heart. Love.

_'Crap, this is hard.'_ Yuuri thought as he watched Viktor skate even faster near the end of the program, _'Viktor can pull this off, but I wonder how Yuri will do it.'_ Yuuri looked over to Yuri who was leaning against the wall, eyes intently following Viktor's form.

As the last note reverberated in the room and Viktor went into the finishing pose, Yuuri admired how even though this wasn't something he would skate, Viktor poured his heart into the program. Yuuri could see it in Viktor's movements and his face. He could perfectly see the woman with an ice heart inside of Viktor.

_'He's truly something if he can capture first love. He's probably had a colorful love life. I mean, I'm 23 but...'_ Yuuri looked away to a spot on the ice, _'I've never really felt love. I did sort of have a crush on Yuuko but it was just infatuation of her kindness towards me. And Phichit is so wonderful...but we're best friends. It was just infatuation and the idea of it that made me think I had feelings for him. I've just been unlucky. Well, it's not like I'm deserving of love anyway. Even though I said I'd skate my all, Yuri will surely win. Then Viktor will leave and everything will be as it should. Viktor and Yuri will make history for Russia as their top skaters and I'll be in the ground. That's how it should be.'_

_ 'Wrong.' _

_'What?'_

_ 'You're not done.' _

_'What do you mean?'_

_ 'There is still more for you here.' _

_'No, there isn't.'_

_ 'Viktor is here.' _

_'He won't be for long.'_

"...of like that," Viktor's voice said, calling Yuuri out of his conversation with the voice, "What do you think?"

"Yeah, I pretty much got it." Yuri said, making Yuuri back up slightly in awe and fear.

_'Did he actually learn the choreography just from watching Viktor do it once?! That's...terrifying.'_

"Wow...that was amazing," Yuuko chimed in, clapping after Viktor had concluded the program.

"Hey, who's that chick?" Yuri asked loudly, seemingly annoyed by the sudden presence of one Yuuko Nishigori.

"Oh, she's one of the staff here, Yuuko-san," Yuuri explained, gesturing to her.

"Sorry for interrupting your practice. It was so wonderful, I couldn't help myself," Yuuko bashfully admitted. She sent Yuri a small yet bright smile before she and the two Yuris were called by skates moving on ice.

"Okay, Yuuri; you're next," Viktor called, "Let's go!"

"O-Okay!" Yuuri yelped, straightening himself to full attention and trained his eyes on Viktor.

_'Choreography that Viktor did for me alone...'_ Yuuri adjusted his glasses and put all his attention on Viktor's starting position.

The beginning strumming of the guitar filled the air and Viktor started to move, waving his arms around him. He struck a pose and sent a devilishly playful smirk to where Yuuri and the others were. Yuuko actually suffered from a nosebleed and fainted, to which Yuri had to help her down to the ground. Yuuri could hear Yuri ask Yuuko if she was alright but it was background noise compared to the sight in front of him.

_'D-damn, he's so hot! It's enough to make even a man, like me, pregnant!'_

He couldn't help but be focused on Viktor's beautiful figure and let everything else fade away. Yuuri would never admit it, but he was infatuated with Viktor. Ever since he had watched him at the Junior World Finals, Yuuri was enamored with him; he followed him on everything that was available, read every article written about him, and watched all his skating programs. Yuuri even considered he had fallen in love with Viktor. But, Yuuri was a bit of an old-fashioned romantic. He knew what Viktor was like from the news, sure, but he didn't really _know_ Viktor on a personal level. In his wildest fantasies, it could've happened, but he always knew Viktor was on a different scale than him. So Yuuri decided to bury his romantic feelings and hold on to his infatuation in their place. But seeing Viktor skate to Eros (and embody it, in Yuuri's opinion), had practically undone all the years Yuuri worked to bury his love.

_'Huh? Wait, can I even skate this?!'_ He found himself questioning after noticing that the song was nearing its final few seconds.

"Yuuri!"

Yuuri was called out his thoughts by Viktor calling his name.

"How was that?" Viktor asked, hands on his hips, looking expectantly to Yuuri for his reaction and response.

"Oh, um...i-it was very 'eros'!" Yuuri said stiffly.

"Right? So, about the program composition; which quads can you land?" Viktor asked.

"The toe loop and...I can land the Salchow in practice but never in competition," Yuuri told the Russian, slightly panicking at the look of contemplation on his face before adding on, "Um, I think I can do it if I try! So, um..."

"Okay then," Viktor replied, smile on his face, "you can practice the basics. I'll teach Yurio right now. I won't teach you anything you can't do right now." The Russian said in the tone of a voice a teacher would use when speaking to a student who was falling behind in a class activity (which Yuuri was familiar with a few times). Yuuri felt uncertainty crawl up his spine as he felt Yuri's eyes on his back with some smug grin on his face.

"How many times have you messed up during a competition?" Viktor continued, unaware of Yuuri's internal unease, "You have the skill to win. Why can't you make it happen?" He asked, looking to Yuuri with gentle eyes and genuine concern mixed with curiosity. Yuuri could feel his anxiety from earlier melting away under Viktor's gaze.

"Well, t-that's probably because...I lack c-confidence..." Yuuri mumbled, looking away from Viktor and fidgeting with his fingers.

"Right. My job is to make you feel confident in yourself."

Yuuri looked up to Viktor as he saw him skate closer to him. Then Yuuri felt his bottom lip being touched by Viktor's thumb, his hand resting beneath Yuuri's chin and titling his head up to look him directly in the eye.

"No one in the whole wide world knows your true eros, Yuuri. It may be an alluring side of you that you yourself are unaware of."

Yuuri stared into the ice blue eyes in front of him; he could see his face start to go pink in his reflection and he could hear his heartbeat in his ears. Viktor was looking at him in a way it reminded Yuuri of some predator that was about to eat its prey. His feelings for Viktor made his brain go haywire with fantasies and sent sparks of electricity throughout his body.

"Can you show me what it is soon?" Viktor asked, his voice a low and sultry murmur that made Yuuri's eyes blow wide open at the tone. Yuuri could feel himself stiffen which made him more redder than he was before.

"Hey, Viktor! Aren't you teaching me first?!" Yuri yelled, pulling the two older skaters out of the small bubble of intimacy they were in.

"Right," Viktor called to Yuri before turning to face Yuuri again, "So, Yuuri. Think long and hard about what eros is to you."

_'What eros is to me? What would that be?'_ Yuuri thought as he felt dread coil in his stomach. Yuuri skated off to the side to take a break with Yuuko as he watched Yuri start to work on his routine.

_'Eros? This is sudden...I only know the mythology of the name. He was the Roman god of sexual love and the son of Venus. I also know the story of Eros and Psyche... But other than reading different types of mythology...I have no clue what Eros is...'_

Yuuri was pulled out of his thoughts by Yuuko's gentle shaking of his shoulder. Apparently, he had been so deep in thought that he hadn't heard Viktor call out to him telling him it was time for Yuuri to practice. He mumbled a quick thanks to Yuuko and felt embarrassed when he saw Yuri smirk at him. Practice had gone well enough, in Yuuri's opinion. Although he couldn't really remember since Yuuri had the tendency to disconnect from himself while practicing. When it came time to head back, Yuuri was still in a daze when he headed back to the locker room to change, but was starting to ground himself again by letting his anxiety of finding eros intrude his mind.

Leaving the rink, Yuuri was mortified to see posters of himself, Yuri, and Viktor together plastered to every single surface in sight. He had the feeling a certain ballet teacher and triplets were behind this, and felt nervousness flutter in his chest.

"Wow, these posters are great!" Viktor praised, going up to one on a nearby wall to examine it further.

"What the hell; my name is Yuri!" Yuri complained, seeing his name had been written as Yurio.

Yuuri recognized the photo of Viktor that was used. It was from one of his competitions after he had made it into the senior division and a few months after he had cut his hair. Yuuri loved Viktor's long hair, but he loved his shorter hair just as much. Seeing Yuri's photo, Yuuri could tell Yuri was only a few years older than when that picture was taken; the only difference was his hair had grown a few inches longer. Looking at his own picture used, Yuuri wanted to gag. He knew there was no difference between him in the picture and him now. His depression had been low, his anxiety a constant high, and tried skating and training to keep the depression at bay. It worked, but as his career went on and the more mistakes he made, his depression was just as high as his anxiety and turned him into a volatile mess of instability.

"What do you think, Yuuri? Aren't these posters amazing?" Viktor asked, sending Yuuri a bright smile.

"Um...sure..." Yuuri replied, afraid to give a long answer since he could feel his depression creeping up. He turned and headed back towards the inn, not wanting to kill the mood Viktor was in.

Surprisingly, Yuuri had to wait for the two Russians at the inn's entrance for seven minutes. After rejoining with them, they had dinner together, much to Yuri's annoyance. Viktor was oddly cheerful about the competition, while Yuuri could feel himself dying inside. Yuuri nibbled at his dinner, too distressed to care about the looks his new coach and better other were giving him.

"Good night," Yuuri said, quickly standing from his spot and heading to his room.

As soon as he locked his door, Yuuri yelled into his pillow. Collapsing onto his bed, Yuuri replayed the routine Viktor skated in his head. The story behind Agape he understood no problem. Eros was an entirely new concept for him.

_'Eros...the god of sexual love. He only had one lover, the mortal Psyche. He kept himself secret but Psyche found out and he ran, but she kept looking for him. She has to prove her love to the goddess Venus through trials, then she's turned immortal and officially marries Eros.'_ Yuuri turned over the story in his mind while thinking of Viktor's skating. _'I don't think that was the story he was telling...but then what was he telling me?'_

Yuuri let out another yell into his pillow, but weaker than the first. He was nowhere near close to the air Viktor gave when he skated. Viktor truly did deserve the title of world's most eligible bachelor...

Wait. Bachelor. He was also called a playboy...

"That's it!" Yuuri nearly screamed, sitting himself up rapidly, "Its not about the god Eros at all, it's about a playboy!"   

 

 ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

The next day, Yuuri decided to stretch his body with help from Nishigori at the rink while Yuri was practicing his routine on the ice. Since Nishigori wasn't with Yuuko yesterday, Yuuri filled him in on what had happened.

"Huh? You had to do basic training for half a day because you didn't get 'eros'?"

"Yeah."

"You should have just made something up," Nishigori sighed, "I bet Viktor hasn't thought much about it either."

"Viktor's a genius, so he can get away with that," Yuuri argued, "I could see a story in the program, too." Yuuri moved off the ground and waited until Nishigori was sitting on the bench nearby.

"A playboy comes to a certain town and bewitches the women from left to right. He decides to pursue the most beautiful woman in town, but she isn't swayed. Then, as they play the game of love, she finds it difficult to make the right choices and ends up falling for him. Then he casts her aside, as though he's tired of her, and goes off to the next town." Yuuri explained, ending the story with himself posing as the playboy, his arms spread as though he just cast away the woman he romanced.

"Wow! So hot! Take me now!" Nishigori said in his best falsetto voice. "Though," he continued, using his normal voice, "that really doesn't sound like you, Yuuri."

"Right? I bet people will say they'd prefer to see Viktor skate the program." Yuuri said, becoming disheartened in the minuscule confidence he had of his ability to skate this program.

"But you did look pretty sexy in the video when you copied his program."

"Well I can't copy him. I'd never surpass him by doing that."

"Wait, you seriously think you can be better than Viktor one day?" Nishigori asked, surprised at what Yuuri said.

"Huh? Oh, um, n-no, not a-at all!" Yuuri stuttered, waving his hands as if they could wave away what he said.

"I mean," Nishigori started, smirking at Yuuri, "how can someone as inexperienced in dating as you beat the hottest bachelor in the world?" He laughed.

_'He's right...'_ Yuuri felt himself start to quake and anxiety bubble in him.

"Yuuri!" Viktor called, barging into the room with an angry Russian teen in tow, "Where's the nearest temple?"

"Temple?" Yuuri asked, caught off guard at the sudden question for one.

"There's one nearby here. It's on the other side of Hasetsu Castle, but it won't take too long to reach it." Nishigori answered.

"Thank you! Come on, Yuuri. You're coming too," Viktor said.

"O-oh, okay...thanks for helping me, Nishigori." Yuuri said as he started to follow Viktor. He heard a quick "no problem!" as he followed Viktor and Yuri out the door.

The sun was setting and Yuuri felt a little at ease. Sunsets and night always relaxed him; it made him feel like his problems could be hidden away in the dark and he wouldn't have to see them until the sun rose again.

Reaching the steps of the temple, Yuuri felt waves of nostalgia flood him. The festivals for New Years with his family, praying to god when he rang the bell for protection of his family and good fortune, the fireworks he would watch. It made him happy that the temple was still the same as he last saw it.

"Why are we here?" Yuuri asked, breaking the silence from their walk.

"This is part of Yuri's training!" Viktor responded. Could you ask if we could see a monk? Or a priest?"

"Um, okay...for what, exactly?"

"Concentration, I guess?"

Taking that opaque explanation, Yuuri gave respect when he stepped inside the shrine. Speaking with an available monk, Yuuri asked for him to perform keisaku on a friend who was waiting outside. After receiving his confirmation that he'd do so, Yuuri went back outside to relay the news.

"The hell is that?" Yuri asked, wondering what the hell he was going to have done to him.

"Keisaku is a stick that you're going to be hit with while you meditate."

"Why am I getting hit?!"

"It's to help with clearing your mind. If the monk sees you're becoming troubled, you get hit. I think he'll just hit your shoulders since your back is still young."

Yuri couldn't say anything else since the monk had appeared with the keisaku in hand. After translating what the monk said for Yuri, Yuri was guided to a small area that Yuuri remembered was where he'd try fishing with Mari at matsuris for the shrine.

They were able to leave when the sun had fully set behind the horizon and the indigo of night had nearly painted half the sky. Bowing in thanks to the monk, Yuuri led the others back down the steps and towards the inn.

"That fucking hurt..." Yuri hissed as he tried to gently massage his shoulders from where he had been struck.

"I think it worked! What do you think, Yuuri?" Viktor asked.

"Well, I'm not Yuri, so I don't know..." Yuuri responded, part of him internally laughing at Yuri's hissing while the other part wondered if Yuri was alright.

It was a long walk back to the inn; and they all seemed to have the idea to soak in the hot spring once they entered the building. Yuuri was despairing over his position while Yuri, a few feet away from him, was trying to relax after the sudden meditation with keisaku and his own training.

_'Damn it...'_ Yuuri thought as he started to run his hands through his hair, _'I'm an adult male of twenty-three. I could totally show mature sexiness if I wanted to...'_ but as he thought back on what Nishigori had said, his doubts started to run wild. The sound of the doors opening quieted the doubts and made Yuuri look up and **oh**.

"Hey, hey!" Viktor greeted, phone held high in his hand, "Take a photo of me in the bath so I can post it online."

Yuuri only looked as far as Viktor's hip because _'holy shit he's naked **again** why is he naked the towel is there for a reason.'_ With Yuri's lack of reaction, Yuuri figured he was too tired to care, or this was something that occurred when they were training in Russia. Yuuri had to force himself to look at Viktor's face and swallow before he spoke.

"Sorry, but we don't let people take photos in the bath."

"Really?!" Viktor exclaimed, dropping his towel in shock, "Can't you make an exception for me? I'm your coach after all!"

"If you're using that logic, then I'm sort of the owner of this place, and I say no," Yuuri fired back.

"You're no fun, Yuuri," Viktor pouted as he joined the two Yuris in the bath, setting his phone down on the stone outside.

Yuri groaned in exhaustion as he rested his face on his arms that were laying on the stone floor outside the bath. Yuuri thought he heard him mumble something about sticks and stupid skaters but Viktor was naked next to him so he had to focus on not thinking about Viktor being naked next to him. Thankfully, Yuuri had seen the time when they headed in and knew it was close to dinner being served. Announcing it was time to go, Yuuri opted to rush out of the bath, leaving Viktor to drag Yuri out of the water. He dressed and headed to the kitchen to help his mother prepare other dishes for guests while waiting for Viktor and Yuri to arrive. Seeing a head of silver out of the corner of his eye, Yuuri told his mother Viktor was back and carried out the tray she had made for the three of them beforehand.

As Viktor ate his meal, both Yuris were dead where they were sitting. Both were too tired to even try eating, instead opting to rest their heads near their respective plates of food.

_'It's no good...from a physical standpoint, I'm not even close to eros.'_ Yuuri thought as he listened to the sound of chopsticks hitting the ceramic bowl Viktor was eating out of.

_'Eros, eros...it's what causes you to lose the ability to make normal decisions. For me, what causes me to lose that ability is...'_

_' It's right in front of you.'_

_'You again..?'_

_ 'Your eros is right in front of you. He came here just for you.' _

_'Viktor? But...'_

_ 'It's alright if you don't want to admit it. But that is the truth of your eros.' _

Yuuri knew the voice was right. As Yuuri got older and followed Viktor's skating career, he started to have...feelings. Even some colorful dreams involving the skater. But he knew they were all destined to be nothing but fantasies, so he tried to will away the feelings. And it worked, for the most part, but Viktor's appearance had begun to undo his work. Yuuri could use his feelings for Viktor as his base for eros, but he needed a coverup. If Viktor, his eros, was in front of him, then his cover would be...

"I've got it!" Yuuri shouted, shooting up and feeling like he just answered a million dollar question, "Pork cutlet bowls! That's what eros is to me!"

The excitement he felt from finding his "eros" quickly dwindled when he felt the silence settle. He didn't even look to Viktor to see his face since he could feel a confused stare on him.

"Oh, sorry. It's not..." Yuuri said, the vertigo from standing up quickly catching up to him.

"Okay, let's go with that," Viktor chuckled, "It's nice and unique."

"Seriously?" Yuri asked, looking at Yuuri as if he had just told the most ridiculous joke Yuri ever heard.

Yuuri could feel embarrassment and anxiety churn together in his stomach and ran out the door as fast as he could.

"Man, I'm so embarrassed! I can't believe I said pork cutlet bowls! They totally think that's an immature idea! I should just crawl under a rock and die!" Yuuri yelled into the night, running as fast as he could with Makkachin barking behind him.

      ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Since Yuuri had found his "eros", he could now officially practice his program alongside Yuri. Viktor would shout to Yuuri to imagine parts of the pork cutlet bowl or the whole bowl itself while he skated. Yuri, on the other hand, was suggested the temple again, but quickly shut Viktor down by just telling him to shut up and let him try again.

Days of training passed. Yuuri had a few light bruises from when he had fallen during practice and his feet had scrapes from the hours spent in his skates. Yuri just got more agitated since each day Viktor deemed his skating wasn't up to par.

Yuuri was taking a short water break when he heard Viktor suggest to try a waterfall to Yuri.

"A waterfall?!" Yuri groaned in frustration.

Yuuri couldn't help the small smirk on his face. A waterfall for concentration and meditation was a novel idea. He knew the monks at the shrine underwent that training since they had shared their story of joining the shrine when Yuuri's elementary class had taken a field trip to the shrine.

"Yuuri! Do you know where a waterfall is?" Viktor asked, ignoring the fuming blond Russian near him.

"It's close to the temple, actually. But it's quite the walk there."

"Perfect! Take us there."

Seeing that Viktor was actually serious, Yuuri led them along the path to the shrine but took a detour when he saw the staircase leading up. The monks, he remembered, actually took his class along the path they took when they wished to meditate beneath the chilly water. It was just as beautiful as Yuuri remembered; the sun's rays being scattered across the ground from the greenery around the shrine's base, the sound of the leaves rustling, and the sound of the waterfall growing closer as he walked on. When he could hear the roar of the water and smell the wet stones, Yuuri felt a sort of peace settle over himself.

"Alright, you two, get in!"

"Wait, I have to go in too?!" Yuuri asked, his sudden inclusion a surprise to him.

"Yes! This should help you with your program as well!"

Before he could protest further, Yuuri was smacked in the face with a white robe.

"Yuuko's so nice. She gave these to me when I told her I was taking you two to a waterfall!" Viktor explained, giving the two skaters a smile, "Well, I'll be back in an hour or two! Have fun meditating!"

Yuuri watched as Viktor headed back and disappeared among the plants that decorated the path.

"That damn old man! What the hell is this?!" Yuri yelled, taking his robe Viktor tossed him and moving to a thick area of greenery.

"If you have a problem why are you going along with it?" Yuuri mumbled to Yuri's back. He looked at the robe in his hands, his mind going to the figure he had seen in his dreams. Yuuri sighed as he undressed and put on the robe as well. He took a breath as he stepped into the water. The water was freezing, as he suspected, but he powered on until he reached the bottom of the waterfall. He wasn't sure when Yuri came in, but he soon heard Yuri grumbling to himself beside him.

Yuuri felt himself start to disconnect from his body as he stood under the water. His eyes were lazily focused on the rippling water beneath him, the never still water making him think of his mess of a mind. He heard water rush past his ears and dissolve into white noise. Looking at his reflection, he saw the figure in the water. Blinking again, it was just himself.

_'Am I seeing things?'_ He wondered as he rubbed his eyes. Yuuri looked at Yuri, calling his name when he saw Yuri staring blankly at the water. When he wouldn't respond, Yuuri called his name again and pulled him out of the water.

"Are you ok? Let's call it a day."

"Oh...okay," Yuri replied softly, still in a daze.

Yuuri blinked in surprise. He was expecting the younger Russian to yell at him for touching him, not an "okay." Yuri's sneeze and sudden runny nose caused Yuuri to start worrying.

"C'mon, let's get out. We can stop by a drugstore on the way back to the inn."

"Yeah...sure."

They both grabbed their clothes and dressed in their prior outfits, squeezing the water out of their robes and heading back out to the shrine steps. Luckily, Yuri had Viktor's phone number and called him to tell him they were making a detour on the way to the inn. Viktor said he'd meet up with them there, and the two Yuris walked in a comfortable silence.

Meeting up with Viktor, Yuuri led the two of them inside the drugstore.

"Why are we here?" Viktor asked.

"Yuri started to sneeze and had a runny nose when we were in the water, so I'm buying him cold medicine in case he comes down with a cold."

"I don't get sick," Yuri stated, put off from the concern he was getting from the Japanese skater.

"Which is why I said in case you do," Yuuri retorted before heading inside.

"Hello, welcome to the Kinomoto drugstore," a voice called from the counter. Yuuri tried to see who had spoken, but a large bouquet of white lilies obscured the speaker.

Saving his discovery of the speaker until they checked out, Yuuri guided the two Russians to the aisle where the cold medicine was stocked. Translating the labels of the syrups and pills, Yuri settled on a bottle of flavored daytime cold medicine and cough drops. Yuuri eyed a few of the nighttime bottles and remembered the bottle he had stashed away with the remaining pills. Making sure Yuri was certain of his choices, the three headed to the counter.

"Are you all...Yuuri-kun?"

Caught off guard by his name, Yuuri looked at the person behind the counter. They were a male with short messy light brown hair and a beauty spot under his left eye. Yuuri racked his brain for information on the man in front of him. Now that he thought about it, Kinomoto sounded familiar...

"...Yosuke-kun?"

"Yuuri-kun! It is you!" The man, Yosuke, grinned, "C'mon, you know it's totally okay for you to call me Yosuke!"

"You know each other?" Viktor asked, looking between the two.

"Ah, sorry. This is-"

"Oh wait, let me get Ayano!" Yosuke gasped before running into the back room. Seconds passed before he returned with a girl with long black hair and black rimmed glasses, her bangs held in place by two red hair clips.

"Yuuri-kun! It is you! I thought Yosuke was joking; it's been so long!"

"Ayano-chan!" Yuuri smiled. Turning partially to Viktor and Yuri, he raised a hand towards the two, "These two are Ayano and Yosuke Kinomoto. They used to be my classmates and rink mates."

"We know very well who you two are," Ayano laughed before Yuuri could introduce Viktor and Yuri.

"How have you two been?" Yuuri asked.

"We're alright. We manage this store together since pops can't." Yosuke started.

"We've been keeping up on news regarding you though, Yuuri-kun. You made it all the way to the Grand Prix Finals! That's big; and you did say that was a dream of yours..." Ayano added, looking at Yuuri fondly.

"Yeah...I'm sorry," Yuuri apologized, not wanting to meet the gazes of the two siblings.

"What are you apologizing for? You went, you tried. That's more than either of us will ever do," Yosuke replied.

"You two don't skate anymore?"

"No, we had to put skating on the back burner since we graduated and well...you know, those incidents at school," Ayano responded, giving Yuuri a knowing look.

"R...right..."

"What? What happened that you two stopped skating?" Viktor asked, shocked to learn the siblings in front of him hung up their skates.

Ayano and Yosuke looked at each other before looking to Yuuri.

『Is it ok for us to tell him?』Ayano asked Yuuri, switching to Japanese to avoid the two Russians understanding them.

『This is your call, Yuuri-kun.』Yosuke added.

Yuuri looked to the two ex-skaters, then the two Russians at his side, and back to the siblings before nodding.

"Back when we were in school and still skating, we got bullied a lot for it. Mainly because my brother and Yuuri were skating, which is seen as girly, and I was bullied for associating with them," Ayano explained.

"One day, we all found a lily on our desks," Yosuke supplied.

"What's bad about a flower?" Yuri asked.

"Here in Japan," Yuuri started, staring intently at the bouquet of lilies on the counter, "if you find a lily or any kind of flower on your desk, that means someone wishes you were dead."

Viktor and Yuri looked on the three in shock. They weren't entirely sure what they were expecting, but it certainly wasn't as serious was what Yuuri's rink mates told them.

"Speaking of," Yuuri asked, moving closer to the flowers, "why do you have these?"

"Oh, we use them for something we like to do. Want us to show you?" Yosuke said.

Yuuri nodded, and soon Ayano disappeared into the back as Yosuke grabbed three single flowers from the vase holding them. He grabbed a marker that lay on the counter as Ayano returned with a small bin of water. Yosuke uncapped the marker and started to write on the petals; showing Yuuri what he had written.

"We write whatever feeling we're feeling, and then..." Yosuke paused, holding out his free hand to his sister, who gave him a pocket lighter, "we burn it." He finished, lighting the petals on fire.

"It's sort of like...burning away the negativity and starting anew," Ayano added, watching the flower quickly wither before grabbing the other flower her brother had lain on the counter.

"We drop it once it reaches the stem," Yosuke explained, dropping the remains in the water bin. Seeing Yuuri's face full of awe at their unorthodox coping method, Yosuke grabbed the final flower he had taken and held it out to Yuuri, "Do you want to try?"

Yuuri stared at the flower Yosuke held in his hand, the flower his sister had now in flames, and the charred remains that floated in the water bin. He really did want to try, but he knew he would end up burning the entire bouquet himself, and he didn't want to take away the siblings' method of coping.

"I'm alright..." Yuuri got out, sighing in minor disappointment that he couldn't burn one of the more painful memories of his bullied life.

"Here, I'll ring you up," Ayano chimed in, tossing her burned flower into the water. Yuuri watched as the ashes sank into the water and rested against the metal bottom of the bin as Viktor and Yuri waited for the medicine to be checked out. Hearing the total, Yuuri was the first to grab his wallet when he was stopped by Yosuke.

"No, this is on us. Consider it a welcome back present," Yosuke explained.

"N-no, I can't just take this without paying..."

"Then how about a trade?" Ayano cut in, a playful twinkle in her eyes, "You get back to skating and make it to the Grand Prix Finals again, and we'll let these go for free."

"That's a high price!" Yuuri exclaimed, close to protesting that he couldn't possibly do it.

"Yuuri," Yosuke gently said, looking at Yuuri, "We know that you'd probably quit skating by now『if Viktor wasn't here. Or worse.』But Yuuri, you're amazing when you skate."

"Yosuke is right," Ayano chimed in, moving to stand next to her brother, "The both of us have always admired your skating; you really give it your all when you're out there on the ice. So we want to keep rooting for you until the day you can retire with no regrets. Can you do that for us?" Ayano asked, giving Yuuri a smile that radiated kindness and everything pure in the world.

"I...I'll try," Yuuri got out before he was suddenly trapped where he was by two human walls that were hugging him. He wriggled his arms free to be able to hug the two siblings back.

"Good luck, Yuuri. We'll be cheering for you!" Ayano said before a peaceful guitar ringtone started to play from the counter, "Oh, that's probably Shintaro!" She exclaimed, freeing Yuuri from her grasp.

"Wow, she's still dating him? Didn't they start going out in their last year of middle school?" Yuuri asked, seeing Ayano talk animatedly on her phone.

"Yeah, they're actually engaged now. Shintaro proposed in August and I swear Ayano had never been happier," Yosuke explained, a fond smile on his face as he remembered his sister coming home and crying in happiness.

"I'm happy for her. What about you? Didn't you have a crush on...Yu-kun, was it?"

"S-shut up. He was a transfer student, remember? I do still talk to him though. He's doing well and wishes the best for you too."

"Yuuri~," Viktor drawled, suddenly draping himself over Yuuri's back, "I'm hungry. Can we go back to the inn now?"

"O-oh, yeah! I'm sorry, um, thank you!" Yuuri stuttered, giving Yosuke and Ayano a bow.

"You don't have to bow, Yuuri-kun," Ayano laughed, "it was really nice to see you again. Oh, yeah, Yuuri-kun is back! Remember him, Shintaro?" She said, supplying info to her fiancé who was still on the phone.

"How about a picture so you can send it to him?" Yosuke suggested.

"That sounds great! Shintaro, I'll be back in just a minute, I want to get a picture with Yuuri-kun before he heads home. Yes, I'll send you a picture! Love you, talk to you soon!" Ayano signed off before hanging up.

"Viktor, please get off me," Yuuri asked, not wanting to forcefully shake off the older Russian.

"But I want to be in the picture with you too," Viktor pouted.

"Just let him be in the damn picture Katsudon. The sooner we leave the better," Yuri sighed, sneezing in small fits.

"I'm sorry, can Viktor be in it too?" Yuuri asked.

"Sure! Shintaro won't believe such a famous athlete was here unless he saw me with him anyways," Ayano giggled, huddling close to Yuuri's side and raising her phone. She looked to her brother who watched behind the counter and gave him a frown, "Yosuke, you too."

"Oh, right," Yosuke laughed, moving to stand next to Yuuri's other side.

"Everyone smile!" Ayano instructed as she took the photo. "Shintaro is gonna be so amazed when he sees you, Yuuri-kun! We should meet up again soon; I'm sure he'd be happy to see you again!" Ayano gasped, looking at Yuuri with pure joy at the idea of her old friend and fiancé catching up.

"Sorry, but Yuuri is training for the Grand Prix Finals, so I'm keeping him to myself," Viktor cut in, pressing himself further into Yuuri's back.

"Not unless I beat him in that Hot Springs on Ice and drag your ass back to Russia," Yuri added, giving the two skaters a scowl.

"Well, whenever you're free, don't be a stranger and see us again," Yosuke offered, grabbing Yuuri's hand and the marker he had used earlier, "I'll give you our numbers since we changed them. School, you know?" Yosuke said, writing two sets of numbers on the palm of Yuuri's hand.

With the numbers in Yuuri's hand and the medicine in a small bag, the three skaters bid goodbye to the two siblings.

"So they stopped skating? That's a shame. I wonder how far they could've gone," Viktor wondered aloud, filling the silence of the walk back to the inn.

"Far. They each had their own programs and they were great. Ayano's theme was about familial love and she even made her own song to accompany it. She called it 'Ayano's Theory of Happiness.'" Yuuri answered, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as he remembered the calm and warm tune of the song, "And Yosuke's was about the strength of bonds one creates. He used a song called Never More. It was really touching; he worked so hard on it for Yu-kun before he went back home. I should've asked how his friends are..." Yuuri trailed off, remembering the quite colorful people Yosuke had befriended.

"They stopped because of you, right? So it's your fault; you know that, right, fatso?" Yuri threw in, opening the bag of cough drops and popping one in his mouth.

Yuuri slowed as he let the two Russians walk ahead of him. Yuri wasn't wrong; Yosuke and Ayano both quit skating at the same time at the request of their parents. Yuuri was confused at the time since he knew their parents were very supportive of them. But then he remembered: the bullying, the flowers. Ayano and Yosuke were in a different class than him, so he figured they must've told a teacher about the bullying. Or they willingly told their parents when they got home. Either way, they got bullied because of their association with Yuuri. And they quit skating because of the bullying.

_'It really is my fault...'_ Yuuri thought, coming to a stop. He hadn't even noticed how far he walked; he was at the bridge that he'd seen some people fish off of. Yuuri got closer to the railing, grabbing the iron bar tightly. The cool breeze of the quickly approaching night blew in his face as he looked to the water below.

_'Is this high enough for me to die on impact with the water?... No, if they found my body in such a public place it would ruin Hasetsu's reputation...'_

"Yuuri-kun!"

Yuuri turned in the direction of the voice that called out to him. His caller were the siblings he had been thinking about.

"Ayano-chan? Yosuke-kun? What are you doing here?"

"We wanted to give you these," Ayano panted, holding out a large bundle of lilies.

"What? I-"

"We could tell you wanted to try it. And Yuuri-kun, we know you. We still remember your anxiety and depression. So maybe this can help you. Please take it," Yosuke urged, taking the flowers from his sister and holding out the bundle towards Yuuri.

Yuuri shakily accepted the flowers, sniffling and letting a tear escape his eye before quickly wiping it away. "T-thank you..."

He let his sides be hugged as he tried to breathe to calm himself down. Yuuri managed to calm himself down as a black car pulled up to the three of them, the driver's window lowering to reveal a man with messy dark hair and a tired expression.

"Ayano, don't run off like that! What if you'd gotten hit by a car?" The driver said loudly.

"Shintaro, I was with my brother!" Ayano said, huffing at her apparent fiancé.

"He's your little brother! What if..." he paused as he looked at the third person, "Oh, hey Yuuri-kun."

"Hey, Shintaro-kun," Yuuri sheepishly waved, "Congrats on the engagement."

Shintaro put on his emergency lights before he got out of his car. He gave Yuuri a quick once over before giving him a brief hug.

"Thanks. The ring was really expensive though...I was tempted to give her a paper crane from one of my old tests."

"Oh yeah, she used to do that..."

"I would've been happy with whatever you had given me, Shintaro. The feelings behind it would've been the same," Ayano smiled, pressing a quick kiss to her fiancé's cheek. Shintaro blushed quickly, rubbing the back of his neck while mumbling of how embarrassing Ayano was.

"Oh yeah, how's your sister, Shintaro-kun?" Yuuri asked.

"She's fine. Taking a break from work at the moment to spend time with her girlfriend," Shintaro answered.

"That reminds me! Yuuri-kun, remember my little brother Seto? He proposed to Mary-chan!" Ayano cut in, giving Yuuri the brightest of smiles.

"Wow..." Yuuri gasped in awe. He remembered how flustered Seto would be around his friend Mary. But he was happy; the two were as thick as thieves, always off in the woods or in the park together.

"Shintaro, can you take a picture of us?" Ayano asked, holding out her phone.

"Huh? You already took one earlier, remember?" Shintaro questioned, taking the phone in his hands.

"Yes, but I just want one of us three. Please?" Ayano asked, batting her eyes at Shintaro who muttering about how Ayano was evil in getting what she wanted. With the flash from the phone, (and another picture with Shintaro in it), Ayano seemed to be happy.

"Yuuri!"

The four turned in the direction of the voice to see a silver haired Russian jog towards them. When he caught up to them, he looked at Shintaro with some strange look that Yuuri couldn't figure out.

"Oh, sorry. Yosuke-kun and Ayano-chan wanted to give me something so they came here. This is Ayano's fiancé, Shintaro-kun," Yuuri explained.

"Hello, guy-who-glared-into-the-camera," Shintaro lazily said. "Ayano, we gotta go, Takene and Haruka are waiting for us. Oh yeah, Yuuri-kun, they got married soon as we all graduated," Shintaro yawned.

"Right! Well, good night, Yuuri-kun!" Ayano cheerily said as she hugged Yuuri a final time before climbing into the passenger's seat.

"Later. I'll fill you in on Chie-chan and them another time," Yosuke said as he got into the back seat.

"You sure you don't want me to drive you back to your place, Yuuri-kun? It's honestly on our way to where I'm going," Shintaro asked.

"No, it's fine. You should get going before Takene probably murders you," Yuuri laughed.

"Right. Later then," Shintaro hastily said as he got in and drove away.

Yuuri waved at the retreating car until it disappeared from his sight.

"You really do have a lot of friends, huh?" Viktor stated.

"No, just those three. Takene-chan and Haruka-kun have an illness so they had to have classes separate from us; they didn't really have an interest in skating either, but they supported Ayano-chan and me when they could." Yuuri quietly explained as he started walking.

"What did she...they give you?" Viktor asked, walking along Yuuri's side.

"Some of their flowers," Yuuri replied, holding the bundle of flowers up for Viktor to see.

"...are you going to burn them? That's a waste of flowers; and isn't it strange to burn them in the first place?"

"No, it's not," Yuuri huffed, annoyance starting to bubble in his chest, "and I'd prefer if you didn't say that about them." Yuuri willed himself to walk faster, feeling his annoyance turn into anger.

"But why would you burn them in the first place? It doesn't make sense-"

"Not to you, maybe. But to me and them it does. If you don't like it then...!" Yuuri wasn't sure if he could finish his sentence without yelling; so he ran from Viktor instead. He didn't bother to pay attention if Viktor was running behind him, Yuuri only focused on getting home to his room. He felt relief when he saw the familiar gate to his in; nearly colliding into the door when he reached it. Announcing he was home, Yuuri went to his room and locked it, setting the flowers on his desk. He searched his drawers for a marker and pulled a flower out of the bundle. Hearing a small "thud" on the wood, Yuuri saw a pocket lighter had fallen from the flowers.

With a marker in his hand, Yuuri picked up the flower and began to write on it.

'My anxiety' he wrote on the flower. Realizing he didn't have water, he took the small waste bin he had and took it to the bathroom to empty and fill with water. Once back in his room, he held the flower over the bin as he lit the flower on fire.

Yuuri watched in fascination as the white petals started brown and curl in on themselves, the words he had written disappearing from the flames. The petals blackened, and Yuuri dropped the flower into the water, watching the fire extinguish as the ashes sank to the bottom. He reached for another flower, deciding to "burn" his depression.

Yuuri opened his window to air out his room. He had burned quite a few flowers in a single night, but Yuuri felt a little better. Checking the palm of his hand, he sent notification texts to Yosuke and Ayano to inform them he saved their numbers. Yuuri eyed the flowers and pulled out one more. He slowly wrote a name and a thing. Yuuri grabbed the lighter and readied himself to burn the flower, but...

'Viktor.' 'My life.'

The two things he wrote on the petals; he didn't know what, but he couldn't bring himself to burn it. Putting down the lighter, Yuuri opened the drawer where he hid his remaining pills from his attempt and pulled out the bag. He counted the pills inside, moving them from one end of the bag to the other mindlessly. The text tone from his phone startled him that he dropped the bag back into the drawer. Sighing, he placed the flower in the drawer and checked to see who texted him as the tone played a few more times.

The first text was from Ayano, replying with a picture of her with Shintaro, and another couple who he recognized as Takene and Haruka. Haruka was actually holding a sign saying "Welcome home, Yuuri-kun!" with a small drawing of Yuuri himself. Ayano added that she saved his number and that Takene and Haruka say hello.

The second was Yosuke, replying that he saved Yuuri's number; and if he was interested, Yosuke was holding a video call with his friends in a few minutes and Yuuri was free to join in. Yuuri put that on hold as he read the last message.

The final message was from his sister.

'Yuuri, did something happen with Viktor? He looks depressed.'

Curious, Yuuri replied.

'Huh? Depressed?'

'He's got more beer than food in him right now that I'm concerned he's going to finish all our alcohol. Yurio is yelling at him to stop but he just keeps going.'

'Sorry, I don't know.'

'Oh well. I'll just leave him be. Are you coming down for dinner?'

'No, I actually got invited to a video call.'

'Video call? With who, Phichit?'

'No, surprisingly. I ran into Yosuke-kun and Ayano-chan today! We already exchanged numbers and Ayano took a few pictures together.'

'Really? That's good though. How are they?'

'They're well. Ayano-chan is engaged to Shintaro-kun now! Yosuke is about the same, haha.'

'Funny. I'll have to talk with them when I get the chance. Since you're not coming down, do you want me to bring you something?'

'If you really want to.'

'Ok. I'll try and be up as soon as I can get Viktor to stop drinking. Tell Yosuke-kun I say hey.'

Yuuri took a few deep breaths as he prepared himself. He'd still have to prepare even if he was just talking to Yosuke, but since he was going to be added to a chat with seven other people, Yuuri had to steel himself. Interacting with people had always been draining for him, and he'd take a while to recover from an outing. Feeling prepared, he answered Yosuke that he'd be joining. He sat himself down at his desk, moving the lilies to the side and opened up his laptop; launching skype, he added Yosuke and soon enough he was added to a video call. Yuuri was quiet for most of the call but didn't mind since Yosuke's friends seemed to be talking the most. He didn't even notice how his eyelids had grown heavy.  
           

   **_________________**

 

Yuuri found himself in a place he hadn't seen in years.

Yuuri woke up on the floor his high school rooftop. He recognized the chain link fence and small structure raised from the building as such. Looking up at the sky, it still showed him the shattered sky he knew when he was at that edge with the masked figure. He got up and headed inside.

Inside the school building were phantoms; shapes of what looked to be students that walked by and phased through him. Yuuri felt an odd sense of familiarity as he walked on. Ever since he was young, he had always been ostracized from his peers; the punchline of their jokes and always mocked for his weight even when he lost it. He continued down the hall until he saw an open classroom door.

Inside waiting for him was a memory. Yuuri saw his younger self sitting at his desk with a vase and flower on it. Beside him were Ayano and Yosuke, talking to him; each of them had a similar flower on their person. As Yuuri walked closer, their conversation became clearer.

"...believe it's gotten this far. I know people don't like me but this is too horrible," young Yuuri sighed, plucking the flower from its vase to hold in his hands, "I never thought they'd send one to you guys too."

"It's ok, Yuuri. We don't feel bad about it," Ayano assured him.

"Yeah. If anything, if we keep coming to school after this, that'll show that we aren't scared of them," Yosuke grinned, trying to lessen the severity of the flowers' meaning.

"But how will you deal with the flowers? Your parents know there's no event coming up..." Yuuri asked.

"I can say that I got one from an admirer," Ayano answered, "and Yosuke can say the same."

"They wouldn't believe that; I've been unpopular my whole life," Yosuke corrected.

He watched the three teenagers laugh and felt a melancholic smile tug at his lips. Yuuri was incredibly grateful to Ayano and Yosuke for making his school life a little more bearable. Even if they couldn't spend much time together during the summer since Yosuke moved to Shibuya for vacation and Ayano spent time with her younger siblings, Yuuri appreciated the time they spent together during school.

Looking out the window, he was surprised that it showed a sunny afternoon rather than the pitch black sky he saw before.

_ 'This is how you felt with them.' _

Yuuri looked around for the source of the voice.

_ 'But you pushed them away.' _

Suddenly the sky outside shifted almost violently to black; thunder and heavy rain beating down the windows. Looking around the classroom, the apparitions of his memory were gone, and each desk had a lily placed on them. Yuuri backed up against the blackboard when he heard muffled voices coming from behind the door. Walking closer, he listened in.

"Yuuri-kun, there's something we have to tell you," Yosuke's voice said.

"We...we're quitting ice skating," Ayano quietly said.

"What...? Why?" Yuuri could hear his younger self ask.

"Our parents...they don't want us to skate anymore. They want us to focus on school and graduate," Ayano replied.

"O...oh..." Younger Yuuri breathed, shocked that he would lose his two rink mates.

"It's okay; we'll still support you!" Yosuke smiled, patting Yuuri on the back.

Yuuri felt guilt crawling up his spine as he heard those words. Yosuke and Ayano really did quit; they stopped coming to the ice rink and Yuuri drifted away from them. They had even stopped texting him as well. Yuuri assumed with that that they probably hated him, and he couldn't blame them. Yuuri hated himself as well. Yuuri had become even more distant from his school life, really only giving attention during class time, his free time spent in the library or on the rooftop disassociating. It was fine. Yuuri knew the world would be better off if no one ever knew him. So he would start small by avoiding the other students. It was beneficial to both parties; nobody wanted to see him and Yuuri didn't want to be scrutinized under their gazes, explaining his avoidance of them. The day he heard they were quitting was the last day he ever really saw the siblings, now that he thought about it.

Yuuri poked his head out a few inches to see the conversation happen and gasped at what he saw.

Yosuke and Ayano were covered in vines of flowers. Even their eyes had been replaced by flowers as well. Yet they still spoke as if nothing was wrong. He felt his blood chill when they both turned to look directly at him.

"Y o u d i d t h i s ." They both whispered before disappearing. The crack of thunder outside scared Yuuri out of his classroom; he started to run down the hall, the phantoms of the other students all glaring at him with unforgiving eyes. Yuuri kept running even as his lungs started to burn and his legs were growing sore. He wasn't sure what he was running from, but he didn't dare look back. Yuuri finally managed to find another open door and ran inside, slamming the door shut behind him.

Catching his breath, Yuuri looked around. It was another classroom, but this one was different. The sky outside was a vividly clear blue, with something falling from the sky. Taking a few steps closer, Yuuri saw they were petals from the cherry blossoms that adorned the school's courtyard.

"Yuuri."

Yuuri turned slowly at the voice that he knew shouldn't be here. The person the voice came from was sitting nonchalantly on a desk by the window, head resting in their hand.

"...Viktor?"  
                   

**_________________**

Yuuri woke with a start. The first thing he noticed was how sore his neck was. The second was that the video call had ended hours ago, with Yosuke and the others sending goodnight messages to each other and Yuuri before signing off. Checking the clock in the corner of his laptop, it was early morning; around the time that he was supposed to wake up to start training. Standing up and stretching, Yuuri sighed at his age as his joints popped.

After he got dressed, Yuuri decided to help his father and mother cook breakfast to kill time waiting for Viktor and Yuri to come down. To his mild surprise, only Yuri had come down. Yuuri joined him in eating breakfast in silence before leaving to the ice rink. When they finally reached the rink, Yuuri decided to speak.

"Viktor still isn't here, huh?"

"They said he was drinking until dawn. Dumbass," Yuri replied, cursing Viktor for deciding last night was the perfect night to get drunk.

As he watched Yuri start to walk off to the ice, Yuuri gulped as he stood up.

"Oh, Yurio..." Yuuri cursed himself internally that he called Yuri by the nickname given to him. He wondered if Yuri was going to yell at him or just start attacking him.

"Huh? What?" Yuri questioned, pausing to look back to Yuuri.

"Um, please teach me how to land a quad Salchow. Please!" Yuuri nervously asked, bowing and praying to Yuri. Yuuri wanted to be able to land a Salchow in competition; he wanted to show Viktor that there was some sort of worth in him and Yuuri wanted to surprise Viktor as well. If-When Viktor left back to Russia, Yuuri at least wanted to show him he landed a Salchow. Though Yuri's silence and eyes on him made Yuuri's small flickering hope go out quicker than usual.

"Fine. But do exactly as I say," Yuri answered.

Yuuri looked up in surprise at Yuri's back as the young Russian continued his walk to the rink. He quickly followed behind him, in a mild daze that Yuri had actually said yes. Yuuri expected him to yell no at him; even go into a tirade of why he should bother when Yuuri had no talent. He hadn't even noticed that they were already on the ice.

The Salchow training went as well as Yuuri expected. Yuri would show him, Yuuri would fall onto his ass. There were few times where he landed, but Yuri told him he was sloppy and to try again. Yuuri was about to try again when the two heard the doors of the rink open.

"Sorry I'm late!"

Viktor was standing at the door, hair disheveled and looking exhausted.

"Huh? What were you practicing just now?"

The two Yuris quickly separated, practicing their own choreography; nervous they would somehow make Viktor angry. Yuuri decided to take a break to drink water while Yuri took advantage of the empty rink to practice his program. Yuuri and Viktor both watched; Yuuri watching how seamless Yuri skated. There was something different about it, but Yuuri couldn't find the word for it.

"Looks like Yurio found his agape. Maybe he's ready for the next stage?" Viktor murmured to himself, pleased with Yuri's practice.

_'Next stage? Does that mean I have a next stage, once I perform the eros of the pork cutlet bowl?'_ Yuuri wondered. Seeing Yuri skate off the ice, Yuuri took his place and decided to practice.

_'I still can't find it though. I still lack what would serve as the backbone this program needs.'_

Yuuri sighed as he finished practice. Before he knew it, Viktor was calling it for the day. As Yuuri switched out his skates, his phone went off. Unlocking it, he actually had a few texts from Ayano and Yosuke.

'Yuuri-kun, hello! How are you feeling about tomorrow? Me, Shintaro, Takene and Haruka will be coming to see you skate tomorrow! Be sure to look for us!' Ayano's text read.

'Yo, Yuuri-kun! Tomorrow's the day huh? I invited Chie-chan and the others to come see you and they're all really excited! They've never seen you skate before so they're ready to be blown away by you. Good luck tomorrow!' Yosuke's text said.

Yuuri felt himself blanch and his heart fall into the pit of his stomach.

_'How could I forget? It all ends tomorrow. Viktor will leave tomorrow...this is okay. I was expecting this. I have no chance really. Yuri's found his agape. But I still haven't found my eros...'_

"Katsudon! Hurry the hell up, I want to leave," Yuri shouted, tapping his foot in irritation that Yuuri wasn't done getting ready.

Rushing out the doors of the building, the three skaters walked back to the inn in silence. Yuuri kept his phone in his hand, re-reading the texts from Ayano and Yosuke. He didn't know how he'd explain his poor performance to his two friends who were expecting so much. And he'd have even more strangers watching him.

_'I wish I was dead.'_

Yuuri felt dejected as he entered the inn, giving a small wave to his parents. He felt even more exhausted seeing Minako seated at one of the tables in the tv room; and felt worried when he saw her holding a glass of beer. Yuuri was grateful for the distraction of dinner his mother brought out and tried to eat what his stomach would allow.

"Hey, Yuuri!" Minako called out, Yuuri slightly jolting from his seat. "Tomorrow's the day, huh? How are you feeling?"

"W-well...I don't know..."

Minako sighed, taking a long drink from her glass.

"So, what are you going to do for a costume tomorrow?" She asked instead.

"Oh, I had forgotten about that!"

"I didn't bring anything either," Yuri cut in.

"I've got that covered! I had them send all the costumes I've ever worn in competition from Russia!" Viktor said, downing his mug of beer in one drink, "Let's go get your costumes picked right now."

Both Yuris stood up and followed Viktor back up to his room. Viktor walked over to his closet and proceeded to pull out boxes near to bursting. Grabbing a small utility knife from his nightstand, (Yuuri looked at the blade far longer than he thought was considered ok), Viktor started cutting the tape from the boxes and let the two younger skaters run wild.

"Wow!" Yuuri exclaimed in awe, moving from box to box, excitement flooding him as he went through all the familiar costumes.

"There's a lot of stupid looking ones here," he heard Yuri mumble.

"Hey, you wore this at the Grand Prix Final last year!" Yuuri gasped, holding the outfit in his hands.

"Hey! Don't pick anything flashier than mine!" Yuri yelled.

Yuuri gasped as he picked up an unforgettable outfit. "This is from the Junior World Championship!"

"Oh yeah," Viktor said, looking at the outfit with nostalgia in his eyes, "I had long hair at the time, so my costume suggested both male and female genders at once."

_'That's right...'_ Yuuri thought, remembering Viktor's performance and interview following it. He looked at the fabric in his hands, the rhinestones on it reflecting his face.

"I choose this one!" Yuuri smiled.

"Sure; it's yours," Viktor replied, heading to where Yuri was still looking through the boxes of costumes.

Yuuri had to control himself to not run out of Viktor's room with the costume in hand back to his room. Locking his door, Yuuri laid the costume on his bed and admired how it looked. The half skirt that flared at the waist, the rhinestones that adorned the chest, even the mesh material that made part of the costume see-through; Yuuri loved it all. Before he could stop himself, Yuuri stripped and tried on the costume. He looked at himself in the mirror and paused. The joy and excitement he felt were slowly fading the longer he looked at his reflection. His hair and glasses looked out of place with the costume, and he still didn't feel like the playboy from the story his program portrayed. He had no charm; his single life of twenty-three attested to that. Yuuri quickly changed out of the costume, careful enough that he didn't rip anything, and into comfortable clothes. Yuuri draped the costume gently on his chair and sat on his bed. He buried his face in his hands.

_'I'm so fucked. The competition is tomorrow; I can't magically become a playboy.'_

_' You weren't meant to be the playboy.'_

_'What?'_

_ 'Rather than the playboy, imagine yourself as the woman.' _

_'But...I thought I was supposed to be the playboy?'_

_ 'You have more charm than you think you have. But switch the role you think you must play.' _

Yuuri thought back on the story of the program. A playboy who charms all the women in town, including the most beautiful who refused to fall for him until she loses the game of love. Then how she's cast aside by the playboy as he leaves for another town. If Yuuri isn't the playboy, was Yuuri the woman? He imagined the woman in the playboy's role, and it felt more natural to him. Yuuri had always been aware of the roles gender implied; but after spending five years in a liberal place like America, he had seen that people never gave much thought to gender, and Yuuri had come to adopt that attitude as well. He remembered how he and Phichit would try on skirts and dresses when Phichit would drag Yuuri shopping, test make-up on each other and even head out into the cities in feminine clothes. Yuuri brought back a few clothes that he liked, and he glanced at them as they hung in his closet.

Yuuri felt like he found his eros.

But he had to make some last minute changes if he had a snowflake's chance in hell of winning against Yuri. Checking the time, he grimaced at how late it had gotten, but he didn't care. Yuuri grabbed his training jacket and headed out, yelling to his confused mother that he'd be out training. Rushing down the streets, he found the familiar apartment complex of someone he needed to see and nearly tripped up the stairs getting to their door. Pressing the doorbell, he heard the annoyed yell of its owner and waited until he saw a very relaxed and equally tired ballet teacher at the door.

"I need to use your studio!" Yuuri blurted out, not giving his teacher the time to ask why he had come all the way here.

"Huh? You want to practice in my studio this late at night?" Minako asked, making sure she heard Yuuri right.

"Minako-sensei, I need you to teach me something."

 ~*~*~*~*~*~

"We're here at Ice Castle Hasetsu, venue of the Hasetsu Exhibition: Hot Springs on Ice," the announcer, Honda, said. Yuuri could hear him but Yuuri was so anxious he projected himself out of his body and felt like he was watching himself. "Right off the bat we have skaters Katsuki Yuuri and Yuri Plisetsky. Both your new short programs were choreographed by Viktor Nikiforov. You'll be presenting them today in competition. Tell us how you feel going into the event!"

Yuuri willed himself back into his body, avoiding the camera fixed on him by looking to Honda. He felt exhausted from his last minute training last night and hoped the bags from his lack of sleep weren't apparent. He knew his life was riding on this competition; everything involving skating he staked his life on. Yuuri knew he would most likely lose, and then tonight he would try to die again.

"Um, it'd be great if you'd try the hot springs afterwards," Yuuri opted to say. Since he would be dead in a few hours, the least he could do was bring more business to the inn for his parents sake.

"Hey! We're not asking you to promote tourism!" Honda whispered to him, "Promote yourself!"

"We don't need two Yuris. I'll crush him," Yuri plainly said, glaring to Yuuri instead of looking at the camera.

"Yes, that's it! Thanks for giving us what we wanted to hear!" Honda said, "Last but not least, let's hear from Viktor Nikiforov, who's switched to coaching out of the blue!"

"Hi!" Viktor greeted, dressed in formal attire that reminded Yuuri of the emperors in his history textbooks from school (where did Viktor even get that outfit?), wearing a dash that read 'Hasetsu Tourism Ambassador', "Hasetsu is a great place. Come and visit at least once!"

"What are you doing, Viktor?" Yuuri asked, nervousness coiling in his stomach.

"Huh?" Viktor asked, confused at Yuuri's reaction.

"Stop that! It makes today's face-off look cheap!" Yuri scolded, "You'd better be ready to evaluate our battle!"

"You're going to grant the request of whoever wins, right?" Yuuri questioned, reminding Viktor of his promise.

"Oh... of course!"

"You fucking forgot, didn't you?" Yuri growled, glaring at Viktor one more time before heading to the locker room to wait for his performance.

"Yuuri-kun!"

Yuuri turned around to the stands and saw a very familiar face smiling at him.

"Ayano-chan!" Yuuri called, walking past Viktor to get closer to his friend.

"Long time no see, Glasses," a woman beside Ayano snickered.

"Hello, Yuuri-san," a man greeted, giving Yuuri a calm smile.

"Takene-chan? Haruka-kun?" Yuuri asked, his vision not quite the best since his glasses had been removed.

"I'm here too," Shintaro said.

"You'd better win this! Haruka and I came all this way to see you, and you better not lose to some punk like blonde Yuri," Takene shouted, giving Yuuri a friendly smirk.

"We're cheering for you, Yuuri-san. Please do your best," Haruka added.

"Thank you," Yuuri replied, giving the four of them a smile.

"Oh yeah, Yosuke is here too, so make sure you look for him! I think he brought some of his friends too," Ayano told Yuuri.

"Ok; see you later!" Yuuri called, waving goodbye to Ayano and her friends.

As Yuuri headed to the locker room, Viktor followed behind him. Hearing the doors behind him close, Yuuri headed to the end of the room while Yuri warmed up near the door. Yuuri could hear the music for Agape coming from Yuri's headphones, so he pulled out his earbuds and played his song for Eros while he stretched. Even with his music turned up to near full volume, Yuuri could hear the announcer give the welcoming message to everyone who had come. He pulled out his phone after feeling it buzz in his pocket, and saw he had two texts from Ayano and Yosuke.

Ayano's was a picture of her with Shintaro, Haruka and Takene; Haruka holding a small sketch of Yuuri atop the first place podium. 'Good luck, Yuuri-kun!'

The second was from Yosuke. He had also sent a picture, with some people Yuuri didn't really recognize, holding a banner that said "Katsuki is number one!"

'Hey, Yuuri-kun! You won't be able to wear your glasses right? So just look for this sign! We're all wishing you luck. You can do it! From Yosuke, Chie, Yukiko, Kuma, and Kanji.'

Ah, so that's who was with Yosuke. Yuuri wasn't the best with names, so seeing the names and connecting them to the faces helped Yuuri greatly. He wondered if one of them insisted Yosuke add their names to the text, or if Yosuke did that himself to help Yuuri. Either way, he was grateful for the reminder and smiled at the two texts from the siblings. Pocketing his phone, he back to stretching.

_'It's almost time...damn. I like my heart is going to burst. I hope I didn't make Minako-sensei lose too much sleep last night. What if it wasn't enough? Viktor will leave, and I won't have a reason to keep skating anymore. Then I'll have to...'_

Yuuri sighed, letting his arms fall to his sides.

_'Breathe. In. Out. In. Out. I was expecting this; why am I anxious about Viktor leaving?'_ Yuuri thought, trying to still his beating heart by breathing evenly. His concentration was ruined when he heard a scream behind him, scaring his heart into his throat. Turning around, he saw it was only Yuuko freaking out over Yuri's costume. Yuuri recognized it; it was Viktor's see-through costume from his junior days. He remembered Viktor had been grilled about the costume a few times in interviews, to which Viktor replied that he had the idea, he wanted to wear it, and he saw no problem with wearing it. Since Viktor at the time was placing gold in the junior competitions, the matter was dropped and never really mentioned again.

"You're gushing all kinds of fluids again," Yuri mumbled, staring at Yuuko with some concern; but mostly strangeness. Yuuri saw that Yuuko freaked out that she had gotten a nosebleed and was effectively spreading it across her face in an attempt to wipe it away.

"You look really good in it! Good luck!" She said, seemingly unconcerned with the blood on her face.

"O-okay."

"Come on, get a move on," Yuuko gently said, giving Yuri a slight shove out the door.

After the two left, Viktor followed suit; heading towards the door. Yuuri removed his earbuds, looked at the texts he had received one last time, and took a breath before heading out to the rink side.

"Now, a champion with wins in the Junior Grand Prix Final and Junior World Championship. Hoping for a brilliant senior division debut, with programs choreographed by Viktor Nikiforov, Yuri Plisetsky!" Yuuri heard over the speakers, along with the cheers of 'davai, Yuri!'

Yuri took his position on the ice. After the announcer explained the name of Yuri's program, Yuri began. Yuuri watched as Yuri skated, perfectly landing all his jumps. Yuuri could also see how gentle Yuri was with his movement and expression. When did this happen? He briefly recalled when Yuri allowed Yuuri to pull him out of the water and looked at him in surprise, agreeing to get out. That was the moment Yuri's program changed. Yuri's movements were full of grace and beauty; topped with his skill, Yuuri thought of Yuri as a beautiful ever-evolving monster. Yuri would definitely be competition to other skaters. Yuuri was taken aback slightly as Yuri's movements towards the end of the program became more frantic; frustration visible in his skating. When Yuri went into his finishing position, Yuuri could make out the sound of applause amidst the static in his ears.

Yuuri was terrified.

"Yurio, that was the best performance I've seen from you so far! Go on, greet the audience!" He heard Viktor yell. Even with Viktor being a few feet from him, Yuuri thought Viktor was miles away from how far his voice sounded to him.

Yuuri swallowed around a lump in his throat and stared down at his feet, the edges of his vision blurring. His heart was pounding madly against his ribs that Yuuri thought it would puncture and he'd die of internal blood loss. He would honestly prefer that to having to skate against Yuri right now. Yuuri held his head, fingers digging painfully into his scalp.

_'I'm going to lose. Viktor will go back to Russia, Yuri will make waves in skating with Viktor as his coach, and I'll be dead. I'll be six feet under as Viktor and Yuri keep skating above me. I'm fine. I'm fine with this.'_

_' You won't lose.'_

_'Yes I will.'_

_ 'Viktor came here for you. Win for him. In his heart he wants you to win.' _

_'No, this was just a vacation for him.'_

_ 'Would he have done all this if it was?' _

Yuuri hadn't thought about that. If it was a vacation, Viktor would've probably had gone home with Yuri when he decided he was done. Instead, he made it a competition. Why did he do this?

_ 'Did you forget? The feeling of determination in you when you declared you would skate with all you have?' _

Yuuri recalled the day when Viktor gave the assignments. The small fire that somehow ignited itself inside of him. How that fire gave his words meaning; that he would skate with all the eros he had.

_'...no.'_

_ 'There it is. You want to win, right?' _

_'Yeah. I want to win. I have to win. I don't want Viktor to leave yet.'_

"Yuuri. It's your turn."

Yuuri looked up in surprise. Viktor was standing right in front of Yuuri, giving him a smile full of meaning. What that meaning was, Yuuri couldn't decipher since he was nervous that Viktor was standing so close to him.

"U-um, I'm...I'm going to become a s-super tasty pork cutlet bowl, so please watch me!" Yuuri said, half embarrassed that he called himself a pork cutlet bowl, half anxious that he was up next.

Yuuri forced himself to hug Viktor. Back when he had Celestino as a coach, Yuuri found that physical contact before he went on the ice calmed him down immensely, and made it a habit of hugging Celestino before his performances.

"I promise!" Yuuri added, his face heating up from the fact he was hugging Viktor.

"Of course. I love pork cutlet bowls," Viktor replied, giving Yuuri a single pat on his back.

Yuuri felt as though Eros had struck him with an arrow. He took off his jacket and skated to the edge of the ice. Maybe with Eros' arrow, he could amp up his performance even more.

"We're pleased to introduce a skater who represents Japan, a late bloomer who's become a rising star, Katsuki Yuuri!"

Hearing his name announced, Yuuri skated onto the ice. Amidst the few cheers, he heard Ayano and Yosuke.

"Yuuri-kun! Good luck!" Ayano yelled.

"Yuuri-kun! You're the best!" Yosuke cheered.

Yuuri went into his starting position, waiting for the music to begin after the announcer explained his program. As he heard the announcer say Yuuri would be imagining eros as how he would eat pork cutlet bowl, Yuuri felt himself die inside that he actually used food as a coverup for his actual eros.

_'Breathe. In. Out. The current me who's never had a lover isn't here. The anxious, depressed me will sleep for just a moment.'_

As the guitar started, he began.

_'Who am I dancing for? I know who.'_

Yuuri blew a kiss in the direction of his eros. As the violin started to play, Yuuri skated. The music echoed throughout the rink; but Yuuri took that music and made his body amplify it even more. He heard praise from the announcer, calling his step sequence seductive. Good, that means his last minute training was working. He made a note to treat Minako to whatever liquor she wanted when she stopped by the inn. Thinking back to the previous night, he was grateful she even opened her door at all.  
                 

  **________________**

 

"Minako-sensei, I need you to teach me something. I want you to teach me how to move in feminine ways!"

"Huh?" Minako looked at him with mild bewilderment.

"Trying to be the playboy isn't me. I want to be the most beautiful woman in town, who seduces the playboy!" Yuuri explained. Seeing she was still doubtful, Yuuri added: "I won't drastically change any moves; but I think this is a lot closer to how I feel."

Minako peered at him over her reading glasses. She saw that he was very serious, his eyes were enough to tell him that. Yuuri always carried a hint of sadness in his eyes which made her worry; but seeing the seriousness and determination he gave her, she couldn't find it in her to say no.

"Ok," she sighed, "let me change first then we'll head to the studio."

Yuuri went through hell, but he did deserve it. He did just show up in the middle of the night and asked to use the studio; so he understood why Minako was a little more strict on her instruction. But in the end, he was satisfied with how he danced. He felt confident in his moves which was rare for him. So Yuuri decided to build a new persona around the confidence he felt.

The him he always was; shy, anxious, depressed, no charm would be locked away when he skated to eros. The person he was now: confident, alluring, seductive, as though he was blessed by Eros himself, would take over.

He would make sure of it.  
                     

**________________**

 

Yuuri was the most seductive woman on the ice. That's what he had to believe right now. He could charm anyone, have anyone he wanted. But no, he only had eyes on one person. A certain playboy. He would seduce him with his dance, then toss him aside like he'd done to others before him.

"Oops! He stepped out of his quadruple Salchow! He managed to stay on his feet by putting his hand down." Yuuri heard the announcer broadcast to the audience.

_'Don't panic! A mistake like this isn't enough to make me lose my charms. I'm better than any other woman out there.'_ Yuuri thought to himself, working on showing more of his new selfs' charm and allure to keep them captivated. Who cares about a mistake when no one can look away from you?

He recognized the swell of the music signaling the end. His new self would have to hide within again, but that was alright. He charmed the audience and his playboy, so he was satisfied. Though, if he was to be any match for the playboy, he would have to discard him in the end. After all, he was dancing in a dangerous game of love. He couldn't afford to lose. The skates beneath him turned into air; he would come out on top.

_'Goodbye, playboy. Until our next dance.'_

Yuuri removed his new persona's mask; revealing his old self as Honda announced him to the audience again. He waved at them, giving them a bright smile.

"Yuuri!" Viktor called out.

Yuuri turned himself in Viktor's direction. Even without his glasses, he could make out where Viktor was standing and even see he was smiling. Yuuri glided over to the opening in the rink wall where Viktor was; unable to get a word in as Viktor suddenly pulled him into a hug.

"That was the tastiest pork cutlet bowl I've ever seen! Wonderful!" Viktor praised.

"Th-thank you."

"But, can I say something?" Viktor asked, releasing Yuuri and looking at him as if Yuuri was in trouble.

"S-sure," Yuuri said, still giving Viktor a smile externally while internally he was nervous.

"What was with your triple axel out of the spread eagle? That was the worst attempt so far. I know you had Yurio teach you the quad Salchow in secret, but what was that?" Viktor rambled, shooting questions faster than Yuuri could process that Yuuri actually ended up collapsing from the overstimulation of being questioned by Viktor along with completing his performance and letting his exhaustion catch up to him.

"Ah, Yuuri!" Viktor yelled, reaching for Yuuri's hand and trying his best to pull him off the ice. Midway through, Yuuri sat up, standing himself again with Viktor's help. Once securing his skate guards were on, Yuuri walked onto the cement of the rink building and was seated nearby to wait for the podiums to be placed on the ice.

"Yuuri-kun!" A voice called out.

Yuuri looked and saw quite a large group of people walk towards him. Before his anxiety could make him panic, he recognized a few faces which put him at ease.

"That was amazing, Yuuri-kun!" Ayano beamed.

"Yeah, it was like a whole new you was skating out there!" Yosuke added.

"Th-thank you!" Yuuri said, a bit flustered with the sudden praise he was receiving.

"I've never seen skating like that before; it was way different from when Yosuke skated," a woman with black hair tied in a bun commented.

"Ah, Yuuri-kun, you fell asleep during the call a few nights ago, but this is Yukiko-san," Yosuke introduced, gesturing to the woman who gave him a polite smile, "this one here is Chie-chan," moving on to a woman with short chestnut brown hair, "Kanji," introducing a man who honestly scared Yuuri a bit with his gruff looking demeanor, "and-"

"I'm Kuma!" A young, blonde boy interrupted, "Yuuri-kun's skating was amazing! You almost looked like a girl! You were super alluring!" He all but shouted, seemingly getting closer to Yuuri as he spoke.

"Back up!" Yosuke yelled, pulling Kuma back by his collar, "Sorry, he doesn't really get personal space," Yosuke apologized.

"A-ah, I'm sure he didn't mean any harm," Yuuri said, giving a consoling look to the young eccentric boy being held back by his collar, "Oh, where is everyone else?"

"Yu-kun couldn't make it," Chie answered, "something about visiting his uncle. Naoto and Rise are both busy with work; but they all promised to watch the stream! I'll text them right now and ask their thoughts."

"Oh, Yuuri, the podiums are set up! Let's get going!" Viktor interjected, tugging Yuuri up from his seat to walk down the carpet that had been rolled out. With help from Viktor, Yuuri now stood on the first place podium, looking out over the crowd as Honda announced that Yuuri had won the event.

"Now, a few words, please!" Honda asked, turning his microphone towards Yuuri.

"O-oh, um..." Yuuri stuttered, not entirely sure of what to say. Feeling Viktor's arm wrap around him and his hand rest on his arm, Yuuri gasped softly before taking a breath and continuing, "I'm going to try and win the next Grand Prix Final with Viktor! Thank you for your continued support!"

_'The battle for my very last figure skating season has begun.'_ Yuuri thought amidst the cheers of the crowd. ' _Can I even make it?'_

_'This is just the start.'_ The voice assured him.

With Viktor beside him, Yuuri decided to humor the voice.

_'If Viktor is here, then maybe you're right.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these chapters take some time since I reference the show quite often, so I thank you for your continued following of this work. often times I'm able to accomplish more when I enter a depressive episode, yet I still have to make sure everything is good enough before I publish. as for Yuuri's attitude towards gender; I would like to repeat that this is a vent work for me, meaning I'm projecting myself onto Yuuri. I've never really given much thought into gender and think that gender specific items are frankly really dumb. so if Yuuri lived in a place that is a bit more open minded, I imagine he'd pick up the same ideology and even take a little pride in what he wore, pants or skirt. 
> 
> sorry for speaking so much here, I just wanted to include that. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
> 
> Edit: remember that Yuuri is considered an "unreliable narrator," meaning that he thinks of himself in a negative light. so I've sort of included the scenes with Ayano and Yosuke (I needed characters and these two are in my top favorites) to show that. they show care and they like Yuuri, but Yuuri thinks they secretly hate him. that even though he's denying he has any more friends, it's safe to assume he does, but his self esteem is low to the point that he doesn't think they want him around. and I have this problem as well; even though I have a fair amount of friends, I still believe they don't like me or want me around even after assuring me the do. sorry for not adding this in earlier.


	4. Chapter 4

Yuuri groggily blinked his eyes open. He felt at ease in the dim lighting his curtains created via the sun's rays. Despite all the sleep he had gotten, he still felt tired. Forcing himself to roll over, Yuuri grabbed at empty bed sheet until he managed to grab his phone.

8:50 AM

Yuuri blinked before putting his phone down.

8:50 AM

Yuuri bolted up, panicking as he hastily got dressed. He saw Makkachin stir from where she had been laying. The thought of how she got in his room briefly crossed his mind before it was forgotten in the flurry of _'oh my god'_ _'I'm late'_ and _'how did I sleep in'_ that invaded his mind. Yuuri swore he brushed his teeth so fast that he made his gums bleed, but didn't care. He sprinted out of the inn and towards the ice rink where he knew a certain Russian skater was undoubtedly waiting for him. He bursted in through the rink's front doors, shouting apologies behind his back as he scrambled to switch into his skates and get onto the ice.

"S-sorry! I overslept!" Yuuri yelled after he spotted Viktor standing on the ice. Viktor was very...quiet. He wasn't even looking at Yuuri. Yuuri felt unease bubble and was about to say something when Viktor turned to look at him.

"Good morning, Yuuri!" Viktor greeted, giving Yuuri a smile. Viktor was smiling, but Yuuri could see in his eyes that Viktor was royally irritated at having to wait for him. "Only Aeroflot has kept me waiting as long as you have."

Yuuri felt himself blanch at the annoyance in Viktor's tone that he tried to mask with cheeriness. He rushed onto the ice; only skating a few feet before stopping in front of Viktor. He dropped to his knees, holding his hands over his head in prayer as he offered multiple apologies.

"Oh, Japanese dogeza!" He heard Viktor remark as he clapped over Yuuri's figure in awe. "It's fine, Yuuri. I suppose you did deserve this after all since you won the Hot Springs on Ice event. Get up; you'll just have to work twice as hard today."

Yuuri still felt terrible even after Viktor assured him he was fine. As he skated with Viktor to his eros routine, Yuuri let his mind wander as he skated.

_'Still...wow. Viktor will be staying in Hasetsu as my coach. But it's still so surreal to me; it's more like having a god around than a coach. To think a coach of my own is going to be here every day...and that coach is Viktor Nikiforov himself...'_

"Here, Yuuri; watch me skate the program and go through it yourself when I finish," Viktor told Yuuri, having Yuuri skate off to the side of the ice.

_'He said I could pay his coaching fees later,'_ Yuuri thought, starting to feel gloomy at the amount of money he would have to pay, _'but I wonder how expensive it will be...is he going to ask for yen or rubles?'_

As Yuuri went over the possible prices in his head, he was called by Viktor to skate on his own.

_'But...this all seems like a dream. It's just a matter of time until I wake up. I'm not someone talented like Yuri; I'm going to ruin this eventually. I know it. I have to keep myself ready for when I fuck everything up. Though now, I'll have to apologize to Viktor for wasting his time out here with me...how could I?'_

Yuuri panicked as he felt the odd placing of his foot on the ice from his jump; his panic being replaced with numb acceptance as he ate shit on the ice when he fell over.

"Yuuri, you tend to flub your jumps when something's on your mind." Viktor pointed out, watching Yuuri prop himself up with one arm from the ice.

"O-oh...do I?" Yuuri asked as he lifted himself off the ice.

"Mm-hm," Viktor hummed, "Go ahead and go through the program once more."

Yuuri sighed as he skated his program from the beginning once more. He lost track of how many times he had to start over since he kept messing up his jumps. He cursed his mind for wandering and thinking too much, but he couldn't really stop himself. It had become a habit when he skated in practice that had gotten worse when he was bullied and lost his two rink-mates Yosuke and Ayano. Yuuri was grateful when Viktor called it for the day, looking forward to soaking in the onsen and going to sleep.

Returning to the inn, Yuuri felt relieved to finally be home. He tried to help his mother and sister with the inn work, but they practically forced him to go relax in the onsen. Complying with their will, Yuuri headed into the onsen first, his solitude intruded upon by Viktor. He didn't even have to look to see it was him; Yuuri had become familiar with the fact that he would no longer be bathing alone.

"Yuuri," Viktor said in a serious enough tone, "I think maybe we should scrap having three quads in your free program."

"But-"

Yuuri choked on his words when he turned to look at Viktor. Viktor wasn't in the water; the Russian was actually stretching at the edge of the onsen. His legs were...open. Yuuri quickly slapped his hands against his face and turned his head back to the spot on the wall he had been staring at before Viktor had joined him. Yuuri could feel his blood rushing to his face and to somewhere he wished it wasn't going to.

"I-I-If I want to win the Grand Prix Final, I need those," Yuuri replied.

"Why? Even if there's just one quad, just get a perfect score on the program components!" Viktor said matter-of-factly.

Yuuri mulled Viktor's words over. Yuuri knew he always lost technical points for when he flubbed his jumps; and he always flubbed his jumps (thanks, anxiety). But he could always make up the lost technical points with his presentation points. Even Yuuri didn't know how he managed to get decent points in presentation; he always thought he moved like those inflatable tube things he saw in America when they walked past a car dealership. Though he's made it this far, Yuuri had to consider who he would be up against. He was certain Phichit would be competing. And he would bet his life Yuri would be skating; Yuri wouldn't just give up, Yuuri thought. So he couldn't just rely on one quad in his program. Viktor could get away with that, sure, but a fuck-up like Yuuri couldn't.

_'At any rate, this isn't good enough,'_ Yuuri thought as he sighed, resting his head in arms on the side of the onsen, _'I have to change. But I can't. I'll always be the same, no matter what I do.'_

_ 'That isn't true.' _

_'Yes, it is.'_ Yuuri argued.

_ 'I wouldn't be here if you couldn't.' _

_'What? What are you talking about?'_

"Yuuri," Viktor's voice called, "do you know why I decided to become your coach?"

"Huh?" Yuuri wondered, deciding to look at Viktor while he spoke. He was surprised when he felt his hands being held and pulled up; causing himself to be partially lifted up from the water.

"I was drawn to you because of the music...The way you skate like your body is creating music. I want to create a high-difficulty program to maximize that. Only I can do that. That's the thought I had..."

Yuuri gaped at Viktor with his jaw dropped. He could feel a blush spread on his cheeks and see it spread in Viktor's eyes. Was this really why Viktor decided to come here? His words made Yuuri feel like there were butterflies in his chest and stomach; he had always been skeptical of compliments he received. Years of being teased and tricked by his peers made him untrusting of people's words, always put him on edge. He knew he shouldn't be reacting to Viktor's words like some school girl, but his own feelings for Viktor betrayed him and he was a stunned mess.

"And the short program validated it!" Viktor exclaimed happily, ignoring Yuuri's yelp as he pulled Yuuri out of the water, making him stand. Yuuri felt tugging at his arms and allowed himself to be guided out of the water and onto the ground surrounding the onsen. He felt his heart beat faster when he saw Viktor walk behind him and felt his hand on his leg. Yuuri was about to ask what Viktor was doing when Viktor cut him off; telling Yuuri to raise one arm up while the other arm would be across his chest. Yuuri was incredibly thankful for the amount of steam that was surrounding them; Yuuri was sure he would faint if he looked at himself and Viktor naked right now.

"Perhaps," Viktor started, stretching Yuuri's leg and placing a gentle hand on Yuuri's cheek to keep his head looking straight ahead, "you should produce your free program."

"Huh?!" Yuuri gasped, surprised at the idea of making his own program, "But my coach has always chosen my music–"

Yuuri couldn't finish his sentence as Viktor lifted his leg higher, and Yuuri could only complain about his pain.

"Isn't it more fun to do it yourself?" Viktor asked, uncaring of Yuuri's pain that he was causing.

"But my previous coach..."

"Who was your coach again?"

Before he could try and argue again, Yuuri turned to see they had gathered an...audience. One of them was actually praying if his squinting could be trusted. But with the fact there was a crowd of people watching him now, Yuuri felt all his embarrassment boil into pure anxiety. Yuuri quickly freed himself from Viktor's grasp and grabbed his towel, tying it around his waist.

"I-I'm going back in," Yuuri said over his shoulder, pushing himself past the other patrons and rushing to get dressed. He only focused on the security of his room once he went up and nothing else. Once he was dressed again, Yuuri marched on, not making eye contact with anyone. Reaching his room, Yuuri collapsed on his bed and yelled into his pillow.

"Yuuri?"

Yuuri shot up like a rocket at the accented voice that was in his room and cursed himself for not locking his door. His phone decided to save him; Yuuri heard the familiar ringtone Phichit had set up as a joke for their coach Celestino. It was cheesy; Phichit had gotten the brilliant idea of recording himself saying "ciao, ciao", something Celestino always said as a hello. Yuuri felt a chuckle escape him as he reached for his phone and answered.

"Yuuri? Ciao, ciao! I haven't seen you since the Grand Prix Final!" Yuuri's old coach, Celestino, said in an upbeat tone. Now that he thought about it, it should be daytime in Detroit if it was evening here at the inn.

"Oh, it's been a while, huh?" Yuuri laughed weakly. He really was terrible at keeping in touch with people. But he couldn't help it; after the train wreck that was the Grand Prix Final, the last thing Yuuri was thinking about was talking to people.

"So, Yuuri, I hear Viktor's your coach now?"

"Oh...uh, I'm sorry," Yuuri apologized, feeling guilt settle like deadweight in his gut.

"Why are you apologizing? It's already happened, right?"

As Yuuri was about to answer, Viktor sat beside Yuuri on his bed and took Yuuri's wrist, directing the phone towards him.

"Ciao, ciao!" Viktor greeted, using Celestino's greeting, "I'm his coach, Viktor!"

"You're playing at being coach in Japan? Cut it out already," Celestino answered. Yuuri was a little confused at the change in attitude. Celestino was kind and patient when he was talking to Yuuri, but with Viktor, he sounded annoyed.

"Hey, hey; why didn't you let Yuuri choose his program music?" Viktor asked, completely ignoring Celestino's remark.

"Huh? I usually select music for my skaters, but I let them choose if they want to." Celestino replied, slightly confused that Viktor thought he didn't let Yuuri pick his music, "Yuuri only ever brought me a piece once. I believe it was composed by a friend or acquaintance of his. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either."

_'Oh...I had nearly forgotten about that...'_

Yuuri remembers when he had brought Celestino the music. The next day while Yuuri was running, Celestino met up with him after he finished his run. Celestino said the piece wasn't terrible, but it could be better.

"You think you can win with this music?"

Yuuri felt a bit humiliated. If his coach was asking him that, then the music probably wasn't good. He thought it was ok enough, but Celestino knew better than him, so Yuuri took his advice.

"Uh...please choose the music for me after all, coach."

"Yuuri never had confidence in himself," Celestino's voice told Viktor, bringing Yuuri out of his recollection, "I told him time and time again to trust himself more, but..."

"Ok, thank you," Viktor said, seemingly satisfied with Celestino's answer.

"U-um, Celestino...I-I'm going to redeem myself at the Grand Prix Final!" Yuuri declared, wanting to make his former coach feel better that Viktor was coaching him and that Yuuri had decided (for the time being) to keep skating.

"That's what I wanted to hear you say at last year's Grand Prix Final," Celestino told Yuuri, a smile obvious from how he spoke, "Well, I'll let you go then. You know who should be showing up for practice in a few minutes. Take care, Yuuri."

"I'm so glad," Yuuri sighed as he hung up his call with Celestino, "I couldn't bring myself to contact him for so long..."

"Yuuri."

Yuuri's relief from contacting his former coach turned into dread as his current coach leaned his face into his personal space; expression irritated.

"Could I hear this music he mentioned?"

"Uh..."

"Why didn't you tell me this? I'm your coach, aren't I?"

"Right. I'm sorry...It'll take a while for me to find it since it's been some time..."

"Just focus on finding it first then."

Yuuri sighed as Viktor leaned away from him. Since he was wrapped up in focusing on talking with Celestino, Yuuri didn't even register how close Viktor was sitting next to him. There were only a few inches between them, and Yuuri could touch Viktor's leg with his pinkie finger if he moved it.

"It smells in here," Viktor said, scrunching up his nose, "Like smoke."

Yuuri swallowed as Viktor stood up and walked to the bouquet of lilies that Yuuri had left on his desk. He had decided to move the remaining flowers to a vase; it felt like they deserved to look a little nice before they met the destruction of his anxiety and depression.

"When did you get these?"

"Oh, Ayano-chan and Yosuke-kun gave them to me. You don't remember?"

"Nope," Viktor said, humming as he examined the flowers.

"I'm planning to go to sleep, so..." Yuuri said, trying to see if Viktor would catch his hint that he wanted him to leave.

"We can always sleep together, you know," Viktor replied without missing a beat. Yuuri choked on his own saliva at the thought of sharing a bed with Viktor.

"V-Viktor!" Yuuri yelped in embarrassment, his face going red as he wondered briefly of how Viktor's warm body would feel against him.

"Relax, Yuuri, I'm joking!" Viktor laughed, "You said we can't sleep together unless we get closer, right?"

"Um, r-right..."

"Then until you feel comfortable," Viktor said matter of factly, taking a lily with him as he walked to the door, "Good night, Yuuri."

"Night..." Yuuri mumbled as Viktor left. Breathing in, Victor was right; there was a hint of smoke from when he burned the flowers. Yuuri decided to open his window and air the room out after locking his door. He sat on his bed and placed his arms and upper body against the windowsill, the cool night breeze filling his room.

'"Redeem myself at the Grand Prix Final..." I won't. It will just end like last time...'

Yuuri moved back to sit on his bed and stare at the lilies.

_'Right...I don't think I ever said thank you to them...'_ Yuuri thought as he grabbed his phone to send a thank you text to both siblings, he stared blankly at his reflection on his cell phone screen.

_'...I shouldn't be looking at myself right now...but I am. I can't even kill myself correctly...I can't do anything right...'_

_ 'You were never meant to die.' _

_'Everyone dies; what difference does it make if I decide to die sooner?'_ Yuuri bitterly asked the voice.

_ 'You have no idea how great of an impact you have.' _

Yuuri huffed in annoyance at the voice and put his phone on his nightstand. Laying himself in bed, he hoped he wouldn’t see the masked figure in his dreams. Closing his eyes, he let himself fall asleep.   
                   _________________

Yuuri had a vividly clear dream. Or rather, a memory. It was the day when he had flown in back from Detroit back to Hasetsu. The day played out the same, with one major difference.

Yuuri watched as his mother came to wake him up, but when she went to touch him, she looked at his still form in dawning horror. She fell to her knees and started to cry.

Yuuri realized then that he died.

He watched as his mother sobbed, followed by his father and sister coming into his room when they heard Hiroko’s wails. Yuuri’s father kneeled down at his son’s side, tightly gripping his cold hand and begging Yuuri to wake up. Mari was speechless, tears falling down her face quietly as she moved her father aside, shaking Yuuri forcefully and yelling at him to wake up. It took both parents minutes before Mari stopped, merely holding her brother as her body trembled.

Looking over Yuuri’s body, their mother lay him back in his bed, fixing his blanket and adjusting his body so he would be comfortable.

“I’ll...I’ll call Yuko...she deserves to know...” Mari said, leaving her parents to grieve over their now deceased son.

Mari went downstairs to the main room, reaching for the main inn’s phone. She dialed the Nishigori’s home and waited for someone to pick up. Mari was dreading having to deliver the news, but also hopeful that it would be too early in the morning for anyone to answer, and she could delay the inevitable until later. Mari felt relief when she got their voicemail, leaving a small message to call back as soon as they can. As she set the phone back down, Mari felt her tears escape again. She cried, rubbing at her eyes so she wouldn’t make the entire front of her uniform wet. Amidst her crying, she heard a dog bark outside. Sniffling, she went and opened the door, only to be greeted by someone she couldn’t care less about but who was important to her brother.

“Hello! I’m Viktor Nikiforov!” The man greeted, “This is my dog, Makkachin!”

“We’re closed. Go to another inn,” Mari deadpanned, attempting to close the door in his face, but being stopped by Viktor’s hand pushing it back open.

“Closed? Well, Yuuri lives here, right? Can you tell him I’m here?”

Mari blinked, trying to hold back her new tears. She sucked in cold air through her teeth as she looked Viktor straight in the eye.

“Are you alright? What’s wrong?”

“...leave.”

“Um...could you tell Yuuri-“

“Yuuri is dead. Now leave,” Mari choked out, slamming the door in Viktor’s face. She fell to her knees against the door, sobbing as she tries to hold her hiccups in and breathe.

Yuuri was surprised that his family was crying over him. He wasn’t useful to them, he had issues, he was just...unneeded. Yuuri was a hinderance to his family. Someone who was unimportant to them and this world. No one would miss him. He had no one; and no one would ever want him. Who would? A mess of a human being that’s fat, ugly, anxious, depressed...

_‘They’ll get over it...it’s better this way...that I’m gone...’_

Then Yuuri looked at Viktor.

Viktor was crying with a look of shock and heartbreak.   
                   ________________

Yuuri woke up with a start, as if he had just been dropped onto his bed from somewhere high up. He sat up, breathing heavily and heart drumming rapidly against his ribs.

“What...what was that...?”

“You will know...in due time.”

Yuuri froze. It was the voice, the figure he would see in the kabuki mask in his dreams. Their voice would be faint, but clear enough for him to hear it. He couldn’t exactly describe in words what the voice sounded like, but just now, it sounded clearer...and louder.

Yuuri slowly turned his head towards his door and froze.

The figure was standing there.

Suddenly, his room was gone, and Yuuri was falling into the void, while the figure watched.   
                    ________________

Yuuri jolted out of bed, his heart beating like thunder in his ears. He looked around his room, and pinched himself. Yuuri seemed to be awake, or so he thinks. He then noticed Makkachin in his bed.

“Makkachin...?” Yuuri softly called, setting a hand in her fur and shaking her. Seeing her wake up and sniff him was comforting. Grabbing his phone, he squinted at the bright screen and checked the time.

03:33

Yuuri sighed as he looked at the time. Sitting up, Yuuri got out of bed and dressed in comfortable clothes before grabbing his phone and headphones. Putting on his glasses, he called Makkachin to follow him out of his room. Telling the poodle to go back to Viktor’s room, Yuuri quietly made his way downstairs and out of the inn.

Walking in the cold night air, Yuuri’s nerves settled down. He looked up and watched as his breath materialized and floated into the night sky. Taking out his headphones, he hit shuffle on his phone and continued walking.

「I was walking up to the roof, I think. Then can’t recall, at all a single thing.」

Yuuri hummed along to the song. He liked the melody of the song, and the singer’s voice seemed to complement the tone of it perfectly.

「I want to die, want to die, but don’t really want to die. If I died, you would cry, and I don’t know why. Every scar, all the blood, more and more they’re never done; not enough, not enough.」

Yuuri stopped in his walk. Hearing the lyrics, he remembered the dream he had. It was a bit surreal to see his body dead and his family crying. What shocked him most was that Viktor was crying as well.

_‘Why did he cry...? He...he was probably crying because he wasted his time...that’s it.’_ Yuuri tried to rationalize, despite the vision of Viktor crying causing pain in his chest. Yuuri decided to sit at the beach nearby to calm himself and to serve as a distraction from the dream he had.

Yuuri sat on the sand, watching the moon’s reflection break and distort with each wave that came to shore. The cold, salty air nipped at Yuuri’s nose, but he didn’t mind much. Yuuri hugged his knees close to his chest, then settling his head to rest on them.

「I want to live, want to live, deep inside I’ve always been reaching out for a hand, so don’t let this be the end.」

Yuuri sighed as the song played. He liked to let the music play, fading into a distant noise as he stared ahead; letting his mind go blank was a way he coped with his anxieties.

Yuuri relaxed himself to the point he fell asleep. He blinked and realized he had taken an impromptu nap.

「The trembling fear is more than I can take when I’m up against the echo in the mirror.」

Yuuri yawned as he stood up, dusting off the sand and stretching as he started his walk back to the inn. He noticed that he was cold as ice, fingers numb and his fingernails turning light blue. The thought of dying from hypothermia crossed his mind briefly before he dismissed it, reasoning that a death like that would be too slow and agonizing, along with his body being in a public place would ruin Hasetsu’s reputation.

Reaching the inn, Yuuri quietly made his way back upstairs to his room and slept once more.

                ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Days filled with training passed. Viktor’s training regimen was spartan, for lack of a better word, but understandable. Yuuri was known for his stamina, so he was used to harsh work out routines and sessions. And he didn’t have any right to complain. Viktor was his coach, so it would be better to just go along with what Viktor wanted instead of causing trouble by saying something.

With his mind still on training, Yuuri wondered if Yuri also had tough training. He did have the same coach as Viktor, and if Viktor’s teaching was any testament to Yakov’s way of training, he imagined it must be even tougher under the man. He thought of this while he was polishing his skates in the lobby of Ice Castle, greeting Yuuko with a simple “good morning” as she came in with her phone in hand and her daughters assembled at her feet.

“I don’t really get it, but Yurio-kun’s coach brought in his ex-wife who was a famous prima ballerina. Now he’s getting scolded by her day and night.”

“Huh, I see...” Yuuri replied, feeling a little pity for the teenager.

“Anyway, have you chosen the music for your free program, Yuuri-kun?”

“Oh, w-well, I had Viktor listen to one...but his reaction was lukewarm...” Yuuri answered, the memory of bringing the music to Viktor vividly replaying in his mind.

“Oh, I see; so this is how it sounds,” Viktor had said, Yuuri growing nervous with each passing second, “You should think of other possibilities,” Viktor pointedly said, unaware of Yuuri despairing that Viktor had turned down his music.

“Don’t be afraid to ask for help. I’d be happy to help you if I can!” Yuuko said, bringing Yuuri out of his short trip into his memory.

“No, it’s alright. You’re busy enough as it is, I wouldn’t want to bother you,” Yuuri replied, packing up his equipment and quickly saying goodbye to the Nishigoris.

Yuuri didn’t completely feel like going home yet, so he decided to kill time by prolonging his walk to the inn. He stopped at a local convenience store and, surprisingly, ran into Shintaro.

“Ah, hello, Shintaro-kun.”

“Hey, Yuuri-kun. You heading home?”

“Y-yeah, I’m just getting something to drink,” Yuuri said as he grabbed a water bottle. Yuuri noticed that Shintaro actually had a small hand basket full of various snacks and drinks. “Are you going to a party?” Yuuri asked, pointing to the basket.

“Oh, this? This is for me and Ayano. We usually have small dates at home, so I’m buying snacks for us.”

“I see...that’s nice.”

Shintaro eyed Yuuri as though Yuuri was an open book, and Shintaro was determined to study all its contents.

“There’s something bothering you, isn’t there?”

“H-huh?” Yuuri stammered, amazed that Shintaro could tell.

“Come on,” Shintaro said, walking with Yuuri to pay for their items. Once they paid, Shintaro walked Yuuri over to a nearby bench. Shintaro opened a can of soda and looked at Yuuri, silently asking for him to start talking.

“I...had a dream recently...a really vivid dream, as if it was real,” Yuuri started.

“What happened?” Shintaro asked after he took a drink of his soda.

“I...I um, I saw myself die. And then I was falling...that’s it,” Yuuri answered, not feeling like explaining that he watched his family cry over him or seeing Viktor cry.

“Hm. I’ve had dreams like that as well. Sometimes it’s me; killing myself with a pair of scissors, or I’m watching my friends die...even Ayano.”

“I’m sorry...”

“Don’t be. You’re not the one causing it. Anyway, it’s scary, but it makes me realize that I’m lucky that I’m not dead. And that everyone I care about is ok too.”

“Shintaro-kun...”

Sighing as he crushed his now empty soda can, Shintaro looked at Yuuri, “But, nightmares like that can have different effects on people. Don’t try to let yours get to you.” Shintaro was distracted by his phone chime, reading it before standing up, “I’ve got to go, so I’ll see you later.”

Yuuri waved Shintaro goodbye as he continued to sit on the bench, taking sips of his water as he watched the sun go down, turning the sky from a fiery orange to an inky black of night. Standing up and stretching his legs, Yuuri decided to give the song he had chosen one last listen.

_‘My usual way was to have my coach pick something from what was available, and to have him choreograph it too. But...Viktor wasn’t like that. He choreographed his own programs and even had new music written to create stories. I did dream about doing that myself someday, but...’_

Yuuri stopped in his walk, leaning against the rail of the bridge he walked every day, letting the cool night air blow through his hair.

_‘I can’t do that...I’m not confident enough in myself or my choices...I’m not good enough...and I never will be.’_

Yuuri sighed as he started walking again towards the inn. The warmth inside compared to the coldness of outside made him shiver as he stepped inside. He briefly greeted his parents and sister before going up to his room and changing into comfortable enough clothes that would be ok if he suddenly fell asleep. After he finished changing, he sat himself down at his laptop; grabbing a few sheets of paper and plugging in his headphones, Yuuri opened up YouTube and looked up songs he had heard before and liked. Yuuri hadn’t even noticed time passed before his phone buzzed, showing a text from his sister on the screen.

‘You never came down for dinner, you know.’

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t see the time. I was busy working on my program...’

‘It’s fine. Just make sure you eat in the morning then.’

‘I’m sorry...’

‘Don’t be. You’re trying your best. I’m serious about eating in the morning.’

‘I will, don’t worry.’

‘Good. I’ll tell mom and dad you’re busy. Make sure you sleep tonight.’

‘Thank you.’

‘No problem, lil bro. Night.’

Smiling at his sisters text, he was thankful for the small break she had made for him. Looking over his list, he read over the songs he had picked and his own comments he had written for each song.

[Danse Macabre]   
\- Too bright/cheerful, the image doesn’t fit.  
\- Not likely for skeletons to come out at midnight.

[Sorcerer’s Apprentice]   
\- Not calm. Tempo too intense.   
\- Water drawing spell seems to be used well...

[The Black Swan]   
\- Too scary. Want it to be stronger.   
\- The white swan doesn’t seem to appear.

[Nutcracker, “Pas de Deux”]   
\- Too sad, want it to be more passionate!   
\- I don’t want to see such a sad scene at Christmas...

[Nessun Dorma]   
\- Not sufficiently romantic.  
\- The name of the prince cannot be guessed.

Yuuri sighed hopelessly, stretching his limbs before settling back down in his chair. He grabbed his phone and opened Instagram on accident. A selfie from Phichit greeted him as the first post the app gave him.

“Oh, Phichit-kun...he’s practicing back home in Thailand.”

_‘Maybe he has some advice...’_

Yuuri decided to Skype with Phichit, hoping he could provide some tips to help him. He waited nervously as the Skype dial tone played, his hands starting to get sweaty.

“Hey, Phichit-kun? Sawasdee krab,” Yuuri added, remembering the Thai greeting Phichit taught him when they were rooming together in Detroit.

“Yuuri! It’s been a while, how have you been?” Phichit replied, waving at Yuuri through his phone screen.

“You’re practicing back in Thailand, huh?”

“Yeah. Detroit’s boring now that you’re gone. Oh, you could visit Bangkok! I’ll show you around and we can have a great time!”

“Khob khun, kup,” Yuuri laughed, “So, hey, Phichit-kun, do you remember how I had that music demo made?”

“Oh, yeah! By the conservatory student? You asked her to compose it, right?”

“Yeah, but it ended up getting shelved in the end...” Yuuri sighed, remembering how he felt that he wasted her time with something, “Things got awkward with her after that.”

“Oh, I see...I’ll put out feelers to see where she is. I’m sure she’s not mad or anything; I don’t think anyone could ever be mad at you, Yuuri!” Phichit laughed.

“T-thanks...”

“So, I hear Viktor Nikiforov is your coach now? That’s really amazing!”

“Yeah...”

“Are you ok, Yuuri?”

“M-mhm. I guess it’s just been a little overwhelming...”

“You know you can always message me, right? I pretty much live on my phone,” Phichit laughed, trying to cheer up Yuuri.

“No, you’re busy practicing, and I don’t want to bother you.”

“Yuuri, you could never bother me, ever. It takes a lot for me to consider something bothersome.”

“But-“

“No buts! You hear that? It’s the sound of me being supportive of you.”

“Phichit...”

“And if anyone makes you sad, tell me; I’ll personally fly over to Japan and kill them.”

“Phichit, that’s illegal.”

“Then I’ll kill them only a little.”

“Phichit!” Yuuri laughed, Phichit’s laughter joining his.

“As much as I’d love to keep talking, I gotta go. It’s pretty late over there, yeah?”

“I guess? I’ve been so busy figuring out music for my free program that I haven’t noticed the time...”

“As your best friend, it’s in my interest to tell you to sleep. You can work better once you’ve had some sleep to refresh your mind.”

“Right. See you later, then.”

“Bye, Yuuri!”

Ending his call, Yuuri yawned as he stood up from his chair. Shutting down his laptop, Yuuri unplugged his headphones and turned off his desk light. Plugging in his phone to charge, Yuuri set his glasses down on his nightstand before collapsing into his bed.

                 ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It wasn’t long before Phichit contacted Yuuri again with information on the conservatory student who had made the music demo. How many people Phichit seemed to know scared Yuuri, who was very selective of people. She was still living in Detroit, since she included that in her email to him. Asking her to redo the music was...awkward. Yuuri decided to wait for maybe two more conversations with her before asking. He didn’t want to come off as the type of person who only messaged someone when they wanted something...which was the exact situation he was in right now, but Yuuri hated it. He hated bothering people in general, and he didn’t want her to have a bad opinion of him, even though she most likely already did.

Telling Viktor this seemed to have a weird effect on the Russian. At first, Viktor was glad to hear that Yuuri was working on his program; then his mood changed when Yuuri told him he had contacted the same person who had made the first demo as an option. The moment the word “she” left Yuuri’s lips, Viktor was in a bad mood the majority of the day. He even made Yuuri run in the rain while he went ahead to the ice rink with an umbrella.

Yuuri didn’t mind; he liked the rain. He loved the smell and sound that came with rain. It even worked as a natural coolant to counteract his rising body heat from running. The one downside was that he would probably end up with a cold if he didn’t hurry. His clothes weren’t designed for rain anyway; light, breathable fabric with a matching hood jacket. Yuuri was soaked to the bone in a matter of minutes. In a hurry to save his health and his headphones, he ran with a bit more urgency to Ice Castle. As he ran, his mind wandered to the subject of his free music progress.

_‘This piece has been bothering me for a while. It really is weak...but I guess that makes sense. I had asked her to compose a piece that expresses my whole career as a skater...’_

The memory of his failures and his utter humiliation at the Grand Prix Final flashed in his mind. He grimaced, feeling hot shame wash over him; running faster as though that would make the stinging in his eyes stop.

_‘Some fucking career it is...but, she did capture it pretty well...my underwhelming and pathetic life in competitive figure skating.’_

Yuuri took a moment to rest under the awning of the convenience store he stopped by a few days ago.

_‘What should I have done differently...? Rather, can I even make a difference? My entire figure skating career has been filled with failure...how I even got to the Grand Prix Final in the first place is a miracle. I’m just a failure on ice...’_

_ ‘You can change.’ _

_‘Hmph, and what makes you say that?’_

_ ‘You changed Viktor.’ _

Before Yuuri could scoff in disbelief at the claim, he remembered how he was supposed to be meeting Viktor at Ice Castle for more practice. Taking a breath, he headed back out into the rain.

                    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Yuuri figures he most likely did something wrong. What other explanation could there be for the more brutal practice Viktor put him through today?

“V-Viktor...” Yuuri huffed against the partition of the rink, “are you mad at me?”

“What? You still haven’t found your music for your free program yet,” Viktor said plainly as if it was so simple it didn’t need to be explained, “Why can’t you trust your own decisions? Just try to remember something like when a girlfriend loved you,” he added, thinking Yuuri even had a romantic relationship to look back on.

“Huh?!” Yuuri yelled, visibly annoyed with the older man. To be fair, in his defense, Yuuri was not having a very good day so far. Because: he had to ask the conservatory student to remake the music she had made before that he didn’t even end up using, he had to run in rain and was still wet hours later, tired from his practice, and overall, still trying to get his shit together for this program. So hearing Viktor say something like that so casually as if it were so easy just annoyed him.

Then the reality that the man he’s worshiped had basically put his own career on hold and flown out to Japan just to coach Yuuri and was just trying to help the younger skater hit him like a ton of bricks to the face.

“S-S-Sorry!! I’m s-so sorry; it’s just, I-I’m really stressed out right now...” Yuuri blurted, avoiding eye contact with Viktor and feeling guilt, shame, and embarrassment boil in his gut.

“Oh, right. You’ve never had a girlfriend.”

_‘God, please kill me,’_ Yuuri thought as he went back to practice. As soon as practice was over, Yuuri was grateful for the end and was looking forward to a hot shower and lying down on his bed.

But the universe just decided to make this particular day as bad as possible.

After practice, Yuuri was hounded by Viktor.

“Yuuri, let’s go somewhere today.”

“No, it’s ok.”

“Yuuri, let’s go take a bath.”

“I’m going to sleep.”

“Yuuri, let’s go to sleep together!”

Yuuri didn’t even bother to reply; opting instead to shut his bedroom door instead. He collapsed on his bed and sighed heavily into his pillow.

_‘This sucks...why can’t I just sleep forever? I wouldn’t have to deal with skating anymore...no more talking to people, no more practice...’_

Yuuri hastily took off his glasses and fell into a stressed induced sleep.

                      ~*~*~*~*~*~

Yuuri didn’t feel like practicing in the morning. The stress of yesterday was still there lingering in his mind. Instead, he just wrapped himself in his blankets, content to just lie there in his cocoon of cloth and warmth as the early morning sun shone in through his window. Even as the time for practice came and went, Yuuri lay there with his thoughts like fuzz.

_‘It’s so warm here...yesterday was tiring...I still feel guilty for yelling at Viktor...he probably hates me now...’_

As his thoughts got clearer, the guilt from yesterday, combined with the guilt building now from intentionally skipping practice combined to create guilt so overwhelming it was giving Yuuri nausea. It twisted his stomach into knots and made him nervous; fidgeting with his fingers and his heart beat faster.

“I can’t stand this guilt any longer!” He declared, breaking out of his blanket.

Just as he resolved to get dressed and run to Ice Castle, his door flew open; fear now replacing his guilt and determination. Yuuri didn’t need to turn around to know who it was. It felt several degrees colder from the aura they were giving off. The silence in the room was palpable enough that Yuuri could cut it with a knife.

“Good morning, Yuuri. Let’s go to the ocean,” Viktor said, sunny smile on his face and his voice bright.

Yuuri slowly turned in fear, shaking in the man’s presence before giving a shaky, “okay.”

                      ~*~*~*~*~*~

_‘The beach is nice today,’_ Yuuri thought as he sat on the sand. The weather was overcast from yesterday’s rain, with sunlight breaking through small gaps in the clouds. The salty air was chilly and felt as though it bit his skin, but Yuuri still liked it. He felt peaceful watching the small waves crash against the shore.

“Oh, seagulls,” Viktor commented, causing Yuuri to look up.

“Black tailed gulls,” Yuuri clarified.

“Ever since I came here, I’m reminded of St. Petersburg when I hear the seagulls in the early morning. I never thought I’d leave that city, so I never noticed the seagulls’ cries. Do you ever have times like that?”

Yuuri considered the question as he watched a fisherman’s boat move along the water. He gave a thoughtful hum before he answered.

“There was a girl in Detroit who was really pushy and kept talking to me. One time, a rink mate got into an accident; and I was really torn up with worry about it...I was in the hospital waiting room with that girl. When she hugged me to comfort me, I shoved her away without thinking about it.”

“Wow,” Viktor replied, his voice containing hurt. Yuuri figured he felt bad for the girl since Yuuri did such a rude thing to her. “Why did you do that?” Viktor asked.

“Because...I didn’t want her to think I was feeling unsettled. I felt like she was intruding on my feelings or something, and I hated it.”

Yuuri was always the type to bottle up his feelings. He was a private person, and he hated it when someone tried to intrude on his personal space or assume they knew what he felt. They were strangers to him; they didn’t...couldn’t really understand him. Yuuri knew that. It’s why he was so selective of people he dared to call friends. It took Yuuri a very long time to even try to talk about his feelings with someone. He didn’t want pity or sympathy from a total stranger. He didn’t want to be treated as some weak person who needed to be coddled and fed fake sympathy and lies.

“But,” Yuuri continued, “then I realized that Minako-sensei, Nishigori, Yuko-chan, and my family never treated me like a weakling. They all had faith that I would keep growing as a person, and they never stepped over the line.”

Yuuri believed that was the case, anyway. The people he did let in gave him his space when he needed it, and they never pried or forced him to speak more when he did open up to them. They would just do their best and offer him well wishes, supporting him as best they could.

“Yuuri, you’re not weak. No one else thinks that either.”

Yuuri sighed, ‘Yeah, right. I’m a wreck of a person...it’s natural to think I’m weak. I know I’m weak myself...’

“What do you want me to be to you, Yuuri? A father figure?”

“No.”

“A brother, then? A friend?”

Yuuri hummed in a neutral tone.

“Then, your boyfriend, I guess. I can try my best.”

The idea of Viktor being his boyfriend surprised him out of his dreary mood so much that he had jumped away from the Russian, scrambling to regain his balance and wave away the idea of such an intimate relationship.

“No, no, no, no!” He shrieked, suddenly standing up, “I want you t-to stay who you are, Viktor!” When he saw Viktor look up at him in slight confusion, Yuuri continued, “I’ve always looked up to you. I-I ignored you because I didn’t want you to see my shortcomings...” Yuuri said, looking away with a light blush on his cheeks, “So, um, I’ll make it up to you with my skating!”

Viktor stared at him with surprise and something else Yuuri couldn’t name. Viktor then laughed before holding out a hand, “Okay, I won’t let you off easy, then. That’s my way of showing my love. Now...you mind giving me a hand up?”

Yuuri nodded as he grabbed Viktor’s hand, pulling up the older man to stand; and shook his hand. It was in the moment when that happened that Yuuri looked past Viktor and saw the sky open; the gray, gloomy clouds of the morning had almost gone away. Bright blue was coloring the sky once more, with the clouds taking on their pure white shade again. The few remaining clouds that were masses were being broken up by sun, the sunlight coming down in rays of light that seemed to shine down on the water like spotlights.

_‘You opened up to him.’_ Yuuri heard the voice say.

_‘Yeah...I did.’_

_ ‘See? You can change.’ _

_‘I guess...maybe you’re right.’_

Yuuri looked back to Viktor and gave him a small smile.

_‘When I open up, he meets me where I am. I shouldn’t be afraid to open up more...!’_

“Come on, let’s head back to the inn.”

“Huh? We’re not going to practice?” Yuuri asked.

“Days off are ok every once in a while,” Viktor replied as he started to walk ahead.

Yuuri felt a strange flutter in his chest before he started to walk behind Viktor.

                   ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Yuuri stretched his body in his chair before typing again. He had spent most of the day going over music choices again with his breaks being used to watch Viktor’s previous skating programs and whatever videos Phichit thought were funny enough to send him. He guessed Phichit had some list since he had sent so many, but that was just how Phichit was. Now that it was late at night, the conservatory student was awake and Yuuri had been emailing her. It had been a few painful generic conversations, but he had finally asked her if she could redo the music she had made before. Yuuri had been sure to tell her of what had happened since the Grand Prix Final in Sochi, excluding the...incident. His fingers had been shaking the entire time he typed and as he hit send. Now he was left waiting in anticipation for her reply.

He didn’t have to wait long; she replied back to him within 5 minutes. With an anxious heart, he opened her email, reading over it carefully. Double checking to make sure he didn’t misread anything, he allowed himself to smile in relief that she had accepted his request of remaking the music. Yuuri sent her an email consisting mainly of “thank you” and exclamation points.

Yuuri didn’t realize how tired his anxiety over her reply made him until he had laid down on his bed.   
  
                    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Yuuri felt oddly happy when he woke up in the morning. He was momentarily confused about why he was happy until he remembered last night. He allowed himself to pump a fist into the air out of happiness before he got dressed for practice.

After Yuuri changed and met with Viktor downstairs for breakfast, the two fell back into their established training regimen again: Viktor biking to Ice Castle as Yuuri ran behind him, and having Yuuri do sets up and down the stairs of the ice rink. Before the two skaters went inside Ice Castle, Yuuri stopped Viktor.

“Viktor, I have some news! Do you remember the music demo I brought to you?”

“Yes?”

“I got in touch with the girl who did it and asked if she could redo the whole piece entirely. She’s going to redo it!”

“Okay, I look forward to it.”

“Until she’s done, um...please teach me all the jumps that you can do!”

“Alright. Then, let’s get started,” Viktor said as he motioned for Yuuri to follow him inside Ice Castle.

                     ~*~*~*~*~*~

Practice seemed to fly by for Yuuri. He was dedicated to learning Viktor’s jumps that he gave it his all. Yuuri didn’t even feel as tired as he usually did.

“Viktor, please let me do that one more time,” Yuuri asked.

“Wow,” Viktor panted, practically dead on his skates, “hasn’t it been tens of thousands of times?”

“Just thirteen,” Yuuri clarified.

“I’ve thought this for a while, but you have pretty good stamina,” Viktor said as he readjusted his skates and checking the integrity of their blades.

“Well, I have that, at least...”

“You said you get hungry when you get nervous in competition, too. You haven’t suffered any major injuries, and you’re younger than I am...”

As Viktor spoke, Yuuri couldn’t help but notice how pretty Viktor’s hair was. It had always looked soft, glossy and well taken care of, whereas Yuuri’s hair was like a bird’s nest. He adored Viktor’s hair when he had it long, and he still loved it after he cut it off. Yuuri reached out a hand and poked Viktor’s head, cutting off whatever else Viktor had to say.

A moment of silence passed before Yuuri realized what he just did.

“Ah...S-Sorry! I couldn’t help it!” Yuuri apologized. He hated how he gave into his impulses sometimes. Impulse control, thy name was Phichit.

“Is it really getting that thin?” Viktor wondered aloud, covering the spot Yuuri had poked with his finger.

“No, no, no! Everything’s ok!”

“I’m hurt...I can’t recover from this...” Viktor mumbled, sliding down and laying face down on the ice.

“I’m so sorry! Please get up!” Yuuri pleaded, kneeling down on the ice and trying to get Viktor to stand up again.

Aside from Viktor’s dramatic overreaction to Yuuri poking his head, practice continued as usual, with the Nishigoris dropping by every few hours or so to watch. The rest of the day flew by as it soon became night; and the two skaters headed back to the inn.

                      ~*~*~*~*~*~

The late night silence was as familiar as ever as Yuuri sat at his laptop. He checked his email and saw that the conservatory student had actually emailed him hours before, saying she was almost done with the new music. Considering the time difference, Yuuri felt guilty that she had most likely been staying up late working on the music. He sent a quick email saying he was sorry for any trouble he caused and thanking her for redoing the music again. As he waited for another email, Yuuri decided to spend that time thinking about the theme for his program. The program he skated in the Hot Springs on Ice event was about love...sexual love, but still, love. Yuuri also knew that, despite his efforts, he did love Viktor. In every sense of the definition of love that existed. But he knew it would never work; Viktor was too important, too perfect. Yuuri was...just Yuuri. There wasn’t anything special about him: he was just an anxious, depressed, fat, and ugly mess. A dime a dozen skater who could be replaced with someone better. He knew better than to think he actually mattered, let alone even have a chance to be anyone important...

Before his thoughts grew darker, his laptop played a recognizable chime that had Yuuri snap his attention back to the screen.

“It’s here!” Yuuri exclaimed, opening the email from the conservatory student. She had finished the music! Yuuri plugged in his headphones and clicked play on the audio file she attached.

It was fantastic. Better than he had imagined.

Without even thinking, he paused the music and unplugged his laptop from its charger, running to Viktor’s room with his laptop in hand.

“Viktor, listen!” Yuuri asked as he jumped onto Viktor’s bed. He would have to apologize for waking the Russian so late at night for this later on in the morning, and to Makkachin when he heard her yelp in pain as he accidentally stepped on her tail. “Oops, I’m sorry Makkachin!” Yuuri said as he offered a few pats on her head.

“Yuuri, did you change your mind about sleeping together?” Viktor asked sleepily.

“No; the music for the free program is done!” Yuuri explained, putting the still connected headphones into Viktor’s ears.

After Viktor turned on the multiple lights on in the room, Yuuri made sure he rewound to the beginning of the track, Yuuri hit play. Yuuri watched nervously while trying to gauge Viktor’s reaction, which was difficult since Viktor had his eyes closed and looked thoughtful. Viktor opened his eyes and gave Yuuri a bright smile and approving nod. Yuuri felt relief swell in his heart and gave Viktor an equally bright smile in return.

“This is great, Yuuri. I think you have your music,” Viktor said as he took out an earbud.

“I’m so glad you like it...!”

“It’s beautiful...very fitting for you.”

“I-I’m not...” Yuuri mumbled, suddenly feeling heat flush in his cheeks.

Viktor merely grinned at him as Yuuri started to feel light headed. Viktor’s grin changed to a small frown.

“Yuuri, is the music supposed to change in the song?”

“Huh? No; why?”

“I think your own music is playing now...it’s very dramatic?”

Yuuri checked the screen and sure enough, the free program music ended. Since he downloaded it to his iTunes, the music started to autoplay whatever was up next. And...Echo wasn’t a bad choice. It could’ve been much worse. It’s embarrassing, but still, Yuuri had to take what little breaks the universe would give him. Concentrating, he could actually hear the music faintly coming from the earbud Viktor wasn’t using.

「Why can’t I see? Why can’t I see? All the colors that you see? Please can I be, please can I be colorful and free?」

Before it could get to its electronic chorus, Yuuri paused the music and took out the earbud from Viktor’s ear, his fingers gently brushing past the older man’s ear doing so. Gather the other earbud and closing the laptop, he looked at Viktor and gave him an apologetic smile.

“I’m sorry again for waking you up so suddenly...I just...wanted to tell you the music was done. So...”

“No, it’s perfectly fine. I don’t mind being woken up if it’s you, Yuuri,” Viktor said gently, looking at Yuuri with soft and warm eyes.

“Still, it was rude of me. I’m sorry. Um...I’ll just go now...good night.”

Yuuri climbed down the bed and shut the door softly behind him, quietly making his way back to his own room.

                     ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The next day at practice, rather than head straight onto the ice for warm-up skating, Viktor had pulled Yuuri to the side and held out a notepad and pencil.

“So, since you have your music, we should work on your actual jumps you’ll be using for the program.”

“Right.”

“Here’s what I have in mind.”

Yuuri and Viktor spent the next 20 minutes or so deciding which jumps Yuuri should choose for his program. There were quite a few jumps crossed out, but Yuuri was very particular about his confidence in certain jumps; mainly which ones he felt he could pull off in competition and which ones he should avoid unless he wanted to bruise his ass or break his foot.

“If you want more impact, maybe the last jump can be a quadruple toe loop?” Viktor suggested, lightly tapping the jump in question at the end of the list.

“Huh? For the last one?”

“With your stamina, I think you can pull it off. You’d rather not?” Viktor asked in a tone of voice that was suggesting maybe Yuuri couldn’t pull off the jump.

“I’ll do it!” Yuuri answered, earning him a smile from Viktor.

“Okay, then I suppose we have the choreography down. Now let’s practice,” Viktor said, starting to walk towards the stereo. Midway, Viktor paused and looked back to Yuuri, “Oh, right. Yuuri, did you change the musical theme?”

“Oh, u-um...”

“What is it?”

Yuuri nervously stared at the floor. He did change the theme, and he felt it fit for the music...but he wasn’t sure if it would be strange to say it out loud. Would Viktor laugh at him? Think he was strange? But Viktor did ask him a question, so he had to give an answer. Yuuri swallowed a lump in his throat before making himself look up to Viktor.

“The theme...is ‘on my love.’”

Silence hung in the cold air of the ice rink. The silence felt as if it lasted years as Yuuri looked at Viktor and waited for a response; his heart slowly starting to beat quicker and quicker as each second passed.

“That’s the best theme. It’s perfect,” Viktor finally said, giving Yuuri a soft and gentle smile. “Okay, let’s finish this!” Viktor cheered.

“Right!” Yuuri answered, removing his skate guards and heading onto the ice.

As his practice went on, Yuuri felt lighter on his skates than usual. He felt as though he was gliding on air; as if he would float away and start dancing like a faerie from Shakespeare’s ‘Midsummer Night’s Dream.’ Yuuri didn’t know why he felt more calm than usual, but he didn’t mind. Practice seemed to fly by; feeling as only minutes passed before Viktor called it a day.

“Bravo, Yuuri. Your program is lovely,” Viktor complimented as they walked back to the inn.

“T-thank you...I’m still not sure it’s totally polished yet...”

“It isn’t, but I know that by the end, it will be amazing.”

Yuuri took Viktor’s word in half stride. He appreciated the compliment, but that made him much more nervous. He would be skating in front of hundreds of people who knew who Viktor Nikiforov was. They would be expecting flawless and perfect skating...something that Yuuri couldn’t do. He always flubbed his jumps in competition and had to make up for it with his footwork. But he had to live up to the expectations of the audience who were expecting spectacular skating from the student of the greatest competitive figure skater in history. Thinking about it made him feel sick; as though he would throw up from the anxiety of it all. He had to swallow a bitter lump in his throat and focus on walking and the cold night air blowing in his face. The light of the inn was a comforting beacon in the darkness of night, and Yuuri couldn’t help but smile as he walked closer and closer to the door.

“Welcome home, boys,” his mother greeted after Yuuri opened the door.

“Hello, mom.”

“Can you two come with me to the main room? Oh, but Yuuri, dear, please close your eyes.”

“Huh? Um, alright...” Yuuri said, closing his eyes. He felt a hand grab his and lead him to the main room.

“Yuuri, sit down,” his mother instructed.

“Okay.”

“Now...open your eyes!”

Opening his eyes, he was startled by party poppers and confetti flying down. On the wall of the room, he read a sign saying, “Congrats on your assignment in the GP Series, Yuuri!” He then noticed that, along with his family, the Nishigoris and Minako-sensei were there, smiling at him and clapping.

“Congratulations, Yuuri!” They all cheered.

“Thanks...” Yuuri weakly said. He appreciated the sentiment, but he was never a fan of surprise parties. It gave him an odd sense of dread...maybe because of the popping of the party goods? He didn’t know, but the point still stood.

Yuuri then sat and listened as the triplets explained the workings of placements in the Grand Prix Skating Series to his family.

“And this year, Yuuri’s been assigned to the third event, the Cup of China. Yuuri’s former rink mate, Phichit, has also been assigned here.”

“Oh, Phichit-kun!” Yuuri added. He was happy he would get the chance to see his friend in person again. Now that he thought about it, he didn’t even send a goodbye note to Phichit when he tried to kill himself. He felt guilty...Phichit would’ve been texting him and never gotten an answer back. Phichit would think Yuuri was ignoring him or thought he hated him...guilt weighed itself down into Yuuri’s stomach and killed the little happiness he had.

“And his second event will be,” the triplets continued “the sixth event, Russia’s Rostelecom Cup! There, he’ll up against his fated rival, Yuri Plisetsky!”

‘So I’m already facing Yuri in the Rostelecom Cup...’ Yuuri thought. He heard a woof and saw Viktor petting Makkachin.

“You’ll be minding the house during the season, Makkachin,” Viktor said.

‘That’s right...This will be my first time in the Grand Prix series without Viktor in the lineup...’

“I bet if you show up with Viktor as your coach, the crowd will think you stole him from the sport,” Nishigori joked.

“Maybe skating fans worldwide hate you now!” Yuko added.

Hearing their thoughts, Yuuri felt unspeakable dread and fear coil in his gut. Terror ran cold in his blood and his heart started to thunder in his ears. Apparently, his anxiety started to manifest physically that Yuko and Nishigori started to apologize multiple times while Viktor put an awkward hand on his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him.

“D-Don’t worry, Yuuri-kun, we’re on your side!” Yuko assured him.

“Yeah we are!” Minako agreed excitedly, standing up and grabbing something from the ground, “I’ll come cheer you on this season!” She said, doing a pirouette and unfurling a sign that had Yuuri’s name painted on in big, bold letters, “First up is the Cup of China!”

“Huh? Wait...” Lutz mumbled.

“Last year, Yuuri...” Axel cut in.

“In the Nationals...” Loop added.

“I think I finished eleventh because I messed up my prep,” Yuuri explained.

“I see...so you have to compete in the block championships,” Nishigori said.

“What?” Viktor asked, putting an arm on Yuuri’s shoulder and leaning against him.

“Oh, we’re talking about domestic competitions,” Yuuri answered.

“To explain,” Yuko started, “Yuuri-kun had a big time-loss in last year’s Nationals. So this year, he has to work his way up from qualifying competitions. So his first event this year is the Chugoku, Shikoku, and Kyushu Championship in September. It’ll be his comeback competition.”

“Well, you'll breeze through that!” Nishigori laughed, giving Yuuri a friendly smack on his back. Yuuri let out a small “ow” at the gesture, the stinging pain mixing in with his anxiety.

“Oh, but Minami-kun from Fukuoka will be competing in it!” Lutz cut in.

“Yeah, yeah, he beat Yuuri in the Nationals,” Loop said, “Minami Kenjiro from Kyushu, said to be the number one star among younger skaters!”

“Right...” Yuuri mumbled.

‘It’s already been more than six months since December when I thought I was done for...’ Yuuri thought, the painfully vivid memory of walking away from Viktor at the airport playing in his mind.

“Good, good. We can cheer you on this year, too! Good luck,” Yuuri’s father said, him and his mother giving their son cheerful smiles.

“Dad...”

“We need to use this chance to make money!”

“Dad.”

“You’ll autograph a sign, won’t you?” His mother asked.

“Mom...” Yuuri sighed.

“Well, we can worry about that later. For now, let’s celebrate your placement!” Yuko said.

Yuuri did his best to enjoy the small party. He was surprised it lasted for a few hours, with the Nishigoris heading home first. Minako, tipsy on the beer she had, called a taxi to take her back to her apartment. Yuuri, sleepy and full of food, went back up to his room to sleep after bidding his family and Viktor good night.

Once in his room, Yuuri changed into his sleepwear and plopped himself down on his bed. He checked his phone and saw he actually had two texts from Ayano and Yosuke.

‘Yuuri-kun, congratulations on your placement in the Grand Prix Series! Me, Shintaro, and the others will be cheering for you!’ Ayano’s text read. She attached a drawing of Yuuri wearing a gold medal between two pandas, with the words, “Good luck at the Cup of China!” written above. Yuuri smiled, figuring Ayano told Haruka and he had taken the time to draw the picture for him.

‘Hey, congrats! I heard you got the Cup of China and the Rostelecom Cup for the Grand Prix Series! That’s exciting! I’ll be sure to hold live-stream parties with my friends so we can all watch you own these two competitions. Give it all you’ve got; you can win these!’ Yosuke’s text read.

Yuuri smiled at the text messages and sent quick thanks to the two siblings before falling asleep.   
  
                 _________________

Yuuri opened his eyes and saw a familiar black sky above him. The cracks that ran along were a contrast of different colors, as if the rainbow were flashing like a strobe light. Sitting up, he saw he still had the gold band around his ring finger, with the same red string tied to it.

“Soon, you will understand.”

Yuuri looked up and saw the masked figure standing far from him. Their figure glowed eerily amongst the expansive black sky. The kabuki mask it wore kept changing; the moon on its forehead fading between a new moon and a waxing moon. The changes of the moon were erratic enough that it unnerved Yuuri, making him back up slightly.

“Were...were you responsible for that dream...?” Yuuri asked, recalling the dream of watching his family and Viktor cry over his death.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“To make you see.”

The ground started to collapse around Yuuri, leaving him to watch it fall silently and fade into nothingness. He looks up and see only a thin enough portion of the ground had remained; connecting him directly to the figure.

“You are changing. Little by little.”

Yuuri saw the void rise above the figure, looming over it. The moment Yuuri blinks, the void is right in front of him; a deathly cold cloud of air blows and feels as though it passed through him, freezing his insides.

“You are changing.”

                  __________________

Yuuri wakes up feeling as though he’s been dropped from a high story floor. He gasps for breath and feels cold as ice. Rolling onto his side, he reaches for his phone to check the time.

4:44

Yuuri set his phone back down and shivered. He felt as though he had just gone swimming in a frozen ocean. Yuuri grabbed his blankets and curled in on himself, rubbing his arms in an attempt to warm himself. After what felt like hours, Yuuri finally managed to unfreeze himself and fell back asleep.

                      ~*~*~*~*~*~

Throughout the morning, Yuuri can’t help but to linger on what the figure had said to him.

_“You are changing.”_

Yuuri thought more about what it had meant as the day went on.

_‘Until now, I thought I was fighting all by myself. But now that Viktor’s here, that’s totally changed. Some things are still the same. Some are different. Now everything feels so...new. I will probably never be able to regain what I’ve lost, but I can see what’s in front of me now.’_

Yuuri practiced his free program with the music. It’s piano resounded through the air and reverberated in Yuuri’s ears. He skated as though he were actually at the Grand Prix Final.

_‘Figure skaters are only competitive for a short period of time. This will probably be my last competitive figure skating season.’_

As he glided across the ice, he saw Viktor watching him with a keen eye.

_‘I don’t know how long Viktor will stick around, or how long my body will hold up. So please, God...give me Viktor’s time, if only just for now.’_

_ ‘Your prayer has been heard.’ _

As practice finished, Viktor stopped Yuuri. He was holding the cd for the free program music in his hand as Viktor was gathering their things.

“Yuuri, you haven’t named the piece. What will it be?”

Viktor held out a marker to Yuuri as Yuuri skated to the partition. Uncapping the marker, Yuuri looked at the cd thoughtfully.

_‘This music reflects my entire figure skating career until now...’_

Yuuri wrote on the cd with a nervous heart. He looked up to gauge Viktor’s judgement and felt relieved when he saw Viktor smile.

“Yeah. Perfect.”

As they walked back to the inn, Yuuri looked down at his hand at the cd he named.

Yuuri on Ice.

_‘September...Viktor’s and my season will finally begin.’_

Yuuri picked up his head and walked beside Viktor. He was anxious, but with Viktor, he felt he stood a chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m very sorry for the long wait for this chapter. A lot of things happened...personal things. I was hospitalized for some time, along with a nasty case of writers block. I hope that you all enjoy this chapter. Thank you for your continued following of this work.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for self harm and minor instances of suicidal thought.

The remaining months flew by, the majority of time was spent perfecting Yuuri’s programs and jumps. Yuuri also noticed that he was growing a bit more comfortable around Viktor, though he wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. It was good since he wasn’t as nervous around the older man and, since their talk on the beach, he had stopped looking at Viktor like he was some perfect god. Viktor was just...a regular person. He was goofy, a bit childish, and seemed to take coaching Yuuri seriously. Viktor was also a bit flirty, but Yuuri figured it was just part of him. The bad part was...it would be more painful when Viktor finally left. Yuuri tried to keep himself distant emotionally, but his love for Viktor made that impossible. Being around Viktor was such a wonderful feeling yet also felt like hell. And he couldn’t help but think about if he couldn’t make it to the Grand Prix Final. What would happen to Viktor? Would he be harassed by reporters asking him why he left his career for a disappointment of a skater? Would they ask if he considered this a waste of time? Would people...hate Viktor for leaving? Yuuri already knew he was hated by the skating community for having Viktor as his coach. If he didn’t make it to the Grand Prix Final, he would be ostracized in general. He’d be on a blacklist; stared at with such hate and being talked about by millions as the failure Viktor wasted his time on. It was mortifying to think about. He felt stress and anxiety coil in his stomach and tried his best not to vomit from the thought of it.

Soon enough, September came, which meant the Chugoku, Shikoku, and Kyushu Championship would be held soon. This was the first step Yuuri had to take in order to start working his way towards the Grand Prix Final. He had to win this...otherwise he would’ve wasted Viktor’s time for nothing and bring about new levels of hatred towards himself. On top of his own self-hatred and the hatred he was sure other people held towards him, Yuuri didn’t want that to happen. If anything, he still had his pills from his first failed suicide attempt in his room back at the inn. He could wait for Viktor to leave, then leave this world. But for now, that had to wait; Yuuri had to at least try to show people that Viktor was a good coach.

Yuuri couldn’t live with himself if he ruined Viktor’s life like that.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Yuuri woke up and immediately felt anxious.

_‘Oh, joy. We’re doing this right now? That’s totally fine, not like I wanted to be calm at all, nooo, go ahead anxiety, make me feel like my stomach is like lead and going to fall out of my body,’_ Yuuri thought, heaving an exasperated sigh. He knew he would be anxious more than usual on the day of the competition, but this was a bit ridiculous.

Yuuri dragged himself out of the safety of his bed and down to the bathroom. He was met with the same person he hated the most.

Himself.

He looked as though he had pulled three all-nighters in a row, his hair was like a rat had crawled onto his hair and died there. The familiar bags under his eyes looked darker than usual, contrasting against his pale skin.

“Hello, you piece of shit,” Yuuri mockingly greeted, “ready to try and then probably but inevitably fail, ruining your lifelong idol-who-you-also-love’s life forever and then becoming the most hated person in the world?”

Yuuri stared at his reflection, taking a deep breath through his nose before exhaling shakily through his mouth.

“...no...” He weakly replied, pinching the bridge of his nose, clenching his eyes shut as though that could stop the stinging in his eyes.

_‘What am I going to do if I fail...? I’ll never be able to apologize to Viktor for it...my life would be the only way...my worthless life in exchange to maybe distract people from Viktor...no, but no one cares about me...’_

_ ‘Your family cares about you.’ _

_‘They don’t count. They pretty much have to, but they probably don’t mean it...’_

_ ‘Viktor cares about you.’ _

_‘He only cares because my skating reflects his coaching.’_

_ ‘That doesn’t matter to him. All that matters to Viktor is you.’ _

_‘Why do you lie so much...?’_

_ ‘What I say is the truth.’ _

Yuuri sighed, too anxious about the competition to care about the voice. The cold water against his face helped him to wake up, and the hot water burning his skin as he showered helped him relax; but as soon as he dried off, his anxiety came back in full force.

Heading downstairs, Yuuri noticed that Viktor wasn’t down yet. Now that he noticed, the main room was empty, save for his mother sweeping the floor.

“Good morning, Yuuri!” His mother greeted.

“Good morning, mom. Where’s dad and Mari?”

“Your sister is still sleeping, but your father went out to buy groceries. We’re planning to make pork cutlet bowls today for after your competition!”

“A-ah, I see...” Yuuri replied, laughing nervously.

‘She’s expecting me to win...mom and dad are going to be so disappointed when I lose...’

“Don’t worry, Yuuri. We believe in you and Viktor. You’ll do great, I’m sure of it.”

“Thanks, mom...”

“Go ahead and sit down, I’ll get you some breakfast.”

Listening to his mother, Yuuri sat down at one of the tables as his mother ducked into the kitchen. Yuuri looked up at the wall clock near the entrance and flinched. Of course he didn’t see Viktor...it was five o’clock in the morning. Their training wasn’t set to begin until seven. Before he could despair about being up so early, his mother brought him food. Yuuri could only stare at his plate and play with the food, his stomach not in the mood to keep anything down. Still, he had to eat, he would make his mother worry otherwise. Yuuri forced down what he could and took his plate back to the kitchen, killing time by helping his mother with some chores before going back to the main room. He also helped his father with the groceries when he came home. Making sure everything was put away, Yuuri saw Viktor come down, rubbing the sleep out of his eye.

“Good morning, Viktor.”

“Good morning, Yuuri. Are you ready for today?”

“As ready as I can be...”

“Don’t worry so much. I’m confident you’ll win today’s competition in a landslide.”

“Thanks...”

Yuuri fidgeted with his fingers as Viktor sat down and ate. His stomach was keeping food down so far, but he felt nauseated. Yuuri had to focus on his fingers or else he would most likely empty his stomach right there in front of Viktor.

“You’re not going to eat, Yuuri?” Viktor asked.

“Huh? O-oh, I already ate...” Yuuri answered, his stomach turning over as if it was going to dissolve and burn his insides.

“That’s good. You’ll need all your energy for today, so we won’t practice like we have been. You already know your programs and jumps, so you can practice at the competition,” Viktor said.

“Alright,” Yuuri replied.

As Viktor resumed eating, Yuuri excused himself and went back up to his room. He plopped himself down on his bed and yelled into his pillow. Yuuri grabbed his phone and messaged Phichit.

‘Phichit-kun, I’m sorry it’s so early, but I’m so nervous...I have to do a qualifying competition before I can be in the Grand Prix Series...’

He hit send and was surprised that he got a reply from Phichit in less than a minute.

‘You’ll do fine!! Your skating is amazing, and I’m happy that you’re skating again. I’ll be even happier when I see you at the Cup of China! We can hang out and I can show the world how cute you are through the power of Instagram.’

Giggling, Yuuri messaged Phichit back.

‘I’m not cute, Phichit-kun. And my skating looks like I’m dying. But maybe I’ll see you at the Cup of China...sorry for bothering you so early in the morning...’

‘Yuuri, you could never bother me, ever, so jot that down. Second, I’m an early bird. You know this. Remember that time I woke you up at 4 in the morning because I wanted to ask you if hamsters have feelings? And dude, you are very much cute. You are a handsome boy and you have to acknowledge that. A hottie like you who can skate so beautifully?? I’m blessed.’

‘Stop...that’s not true...’

‘If I’m a liar then may my hamsters suddenly attack me and leave nothing but my bones behind.’

Phichit sent another message; this time including a selfie of him with his hamsters on his shoulders and head.

‘Oh look, they’re not attacking me. So I’m a truther, you’re a cutie who can skate like an angel.’

‘You’re not going to change your mind about this, are you?’

‘You bet your sweet bippy I’m not.’

Yuuri scoffed at his phone before typing a reply.

‘You’ll see...anyway, I’m going to go. Try and prepare myself for this...’

‘Good luck!! I mean, I’m super sure that I’ll see you at the Cup of China anyway, but you’ve got this!’

Yuuri smiled half-heartedly at Phichit’s message before locking his phone and pocketing it. It was still early, and he wouldn’t have to really practice until he was at the building for the competition...

_‘An hour at Ice Castle won’t kill me...sadly.’_

Grabbing his headphones and a jacket, Yuuri made his way downstairs and bid his parents goodbye. The crisp September air felt nice against his cheeks, the cool breeze blowing through his hair. As he was walking, he paused at the bridge and leaned against the railing; the sound of what little cars there were in the area rushing behind him and the vast ocean reflecting the early morning sun.

Yuuri stared at the water, letting his mind wander until he felt it turn into fuzz. Disassociating was a nice way to distract himself from whatever was stressing him out. He felt like he could just...pretend to not exist for a while. There was one way to make himself stop existing, but that was a permanent solution, as he would save that for after his failure.

“...Yuuri-san?”

Yuuri pulled himself back to his body and turned towards the voice that called him. He widened his eyes in mild surprise.

“Haruka-kun?”

“I heard from Ayano that you were back, but it’s nice to see you in person,” Haruka said, giving Yuuri a calm smile.

“Um, t-thanks...what are you doing here?”

“I like to walk outside for a while...it gives me inspiration to draw.”

Yuuri couldn’t help but look at the wheelchair Haruka was in. He never noticed in the pictures Ayano sent. Had Haruka really fallen so ill in the years he was away that he couldn’t walk anymore? Yuuri felt guilty for never contacting home...maybe he could’ve done something?

“It’s not your fault, Yuuri-san,” Haruka said, “I knew my illness would do this eventually. But I’ve made my peace with it. I can still walk on my own, but Takane insists I use my wheelchair for when I go out on my own. The last time I didn’t, she drove all the way out and practically forced me into it.” He laughed.

“She really cares about you,” Yuuri added.

“Mhm. I care about her as well. Ayano, Shintaro, and you as well, Yuuri-san. Even if we don’t see each other that much.”

“...I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for. You were busy living your life and giving your all in figure skating. There would be no reason to be mad at you for that.”

Yuuri looked at Haruka who was smiling at him. He looked pale...deathly sick. His hair had faded from the black Yuuri remembered to an ashy gray, and fell in messy parts on his head. On his lap, Haruka had a sketch pad with a single pencil, both held underneath clasped hands.

“If I may ask, are you going to Ice Castle, Yuuri-san?” Haruka asked.

“Y-yeah.”

“Today is your qualification competition, correct?”

“Right.”

“I wish you the best of luck, Yuuri-san. Takane and I, along with Ayano, Shintaro-kun, Seto-kun; everyone, we’ll be rooting for you.”

Yuuri barely found his voice to say thanks as he watched Haruka wheel past him. Watching the back of Haruka’s wheelchair fade, Yuuri continued to Ice Castle, giving Yuko a small wave before heading to the ice rink. He plugged in his headphones, put in his earbuds, and skated onto the expanse of ice. He glided across the ice, the scratch of his skates against the ice muffled through his earbuds. Yuuri felt his mind turn hazy again; the music playing in his earbuds turning into white noise and faded away, faintly aware of his surroundings so he wouldn’t slam into the wall. The last thing he needed was an injury.

_‘Why am I even here...? Viktor said there wouldn’t be practice today because of the competition. Yet here I am, not listening...does he even know I left? I guess it doesn’t matter. I’m going to ruin this for sure. I’ll lose my chance, Viktor will realize I’m a lost cause and go back to Russia, and...and then I’ll die. For sure.’_

As the thought of killing himself crossed his mind, the dream of seeing his corpse in his room briefly flashed behind his eyes. He forced himself to concentrate, bringing himself to a stop. He stared at his feet, the events of the dream replaying in opaque clarity. Despite the muddled memory, the vision of Viktor crying was clear. The look on his face; it looked like Viktor was truly devastated and heartbroken. It made no sense to Yuuri. Why would Viktor cry for him? Viktor didn’t remember him, he didn’t even know Yuuri at all.

“He was probably...just upset at the time and money he wasted...” Yuuri mumbled to himself, trying to come up with a reasonable answer. Someone who’s as famous, gifted, and brilliant like Viktor, being told the person they came all the way to coach was dead...Viktor would have every reason to be upset.

Yuuri heaved a heavy sigh, no longer in the mood to be on the ice. Reaching into his pocket, he checked the time and was relieved only an hour and a half had passed. He would have plenty of time to head home, shower again, and wait until the competition later on. Skating over to the break in the partition, Yuuri put on his skate guards and walked over to the locker room; switching back to his regular shoes. He waved goodbye to Yuko before heading back out again.

To his surprise, Yuuri ran into Haruka again. He spotted Haruka stopped by a park bench that looked out over the ocean. Since Yuuri couldn’t before, he decided to take this chance to thank Haruka for his encouragement from their first encounter. Taking a deep breath, Yuuri walked towards him.

“Hello again, Haruka-kun,” Yuuri greeted.

“It’s nice to see you again, Yuuri-san. Are you heading home?”

“Yeah...um, I wanted to say thank you. For earlier, I mean.”

“Thank me...? Yuuri-san, you don’t have to thank me for that,” Haruka laughed, “I was just being honest.”

“Still...you went out of your way to say something to me when you didn’t have to. So I felt I had to say thank you.”

“If that’s how you feel...then I suppose you’re welcome.”

Yuuri laughed nervously to cover up the panic he felt inside.

_‘Oh god, he said I didn’t need to thank him. But I had to! He went out of his way to be nice and offer me pity statements to make me feel better because I’m such a wreck...’_

Yuuri’s eyes caught on the open sketch pad Haruka was holding. He could tell Haruka was talented in art; the pictures Yuuri saw in Ayano’s pictures were evidence enough. But it felt different seeing his drawings in person. Focusing his attention on the drawing more, Yuuri made out that Haruka was in the middle of sketching two people in the middle of a street with a truck looming over them.

“This was a dream I had, recently,” Haruka explained, seeing Yuuri’s face filled with curiosity, “I can’t remember their faces, but I feel as though I know them...”

“What happened in that dream?”

Haruka looked as though he would rather not say, his eyes were filled with an odd look of sadness and pain.

“I-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked...” Yuuri apologized.

“It’s fine. I just sketch them as a way to calm myself. It gives me the affirmation that this was really just a dream.”

Yuuri looked between Haruka and his drawing before his phone’s text chime called his attention. Pulling his phone out, he saw he had a text from his sister.

‘Yuuri, where are you?’

‘I went to Ice Castle for a little while.’

‘Anxious?’

‘Yeah...’

‘Don’t worry. Just do your best. That’s all anyone can ask of you.’

‘Thanks...how is Viktor?’

‘He’s down in the main room eating lunch. He asked where you were since you weren’t in your room.’

‘I’m sorry...’

‘Not your fault he didn’t know where you went. I think he’s actually nervous that you’re not here for some reason. He keeps looking at the spot you sit at with a sad look.’

‘He is?’

‘Yeah. So I think you should come home now if you’re done skating. But don’t force yourself to come home. Skate until you feel better.’

‘Thanks, Mari.’

‘No problem, little bro. d(ō_ō)’

Yuuri smiled at the text before pocketing his phone.

“I have to get home...Viktor is worried that I’m out, I guess.”

“It’s fine. It was nice to see you again, Yuuri-san. Good luck.”

Yuuri waved at Haruka before turning and walking back towards the inn.

_“I can’t remember their faces, but I feel as though I know them.”_

Now that he thought about it, Yuuri felt as though he knew the masked figure in his dream. Maybe it was because of how often he had seen them that he was growing familiar with it? He wasn’t sure. But recalling the first time he had seen the figure, Yuuri felt as if they were familiar...he would think about it later.

Yuuri reached the inn and called out his return. Rather than his mother or father greeting him, it was Viktor.

“Welcome back, Yuuri.”

“O-Oh, hi, Viktor.”

“I’m glad to see you back,” Viktor said, giving Yuuri a smile.

Yuuri was frozen from Viktor’s smile. He could feel a blush rising in his cheeks and his heart skipped a few beats.

“Um...I’m sorry-“

“Don’t. Mari told me that you went to skate because you were nervous about today. So you just do what you need to do so you can feel better, alright?”

“Um...ok.”

“Good,” Viktor smiled again.

“I’ll just...go and shower...”

Viktor simply nodded in understanding before heading back upstairs. Yuuri followed at a distance; heading to his room before locking the door and leaning against it. Yuuri placed a hand over his heart.

_‘The way he smiled at me, and said it was ok that I went to skate since I was anxious...’_ Yuuri sighed, his hands clenching into fists, _‘I love him...but he’s just being nice. He’s probably upset at me in reality. This...Viktor could never care for me...or...’_

Yuuri lifted himself off the door and looked for clean clothes. If anyone would break his heart, he would do it himself. Having the pain of it being broken by someone else...Yuuri couldn’t imagine how agonizing it would feel. He needed to keep himself grounded; getting his hopes up would just make him cocky and lead him to think the wrong things.

Yuuri sighed and headed towards the bathroom, trudging the entire walk there. Locking the bathroom door, he got undressed and turned on the water; the boiling water a welcome feeling on his skin. Underneath the spray of water, Yuuri scrubbed his skin until he saw it turn red. He stopped, bringing his arm closer to his face. Yuuri traced the faint outlines of the scars on his wrist.

_‘They’re nearly gone...that’s good.’_

He looked down and noted the difference of the scars on his wrists and the scars on his thighs. The scars on his thighs were still healing. It didn’t help that Yuuri picked at them when he was having a particularly bad day. Even now, Yuuri picked at the scars, watching the blood bead before being washed away by the water. The sting of the scar was a dull thrumming at this point; the sensation of when he first hurt himself a distant memory.

“Yuuri?” A voice called from behind the bathroom door.

“Yeah?” Yuuri replied, the voice bringing him out of his self-harming trance.

“Are you alright? You’ve been in there for a while,” the voice Yuuri recognized as Mari asked.

“Uh, yeah. I’ll be out soon!”

Feeling embarrassed of being checked on, Yuuri stopped picking at his scars and finished his shower, stepping out into a fog-filled bathroom. Drying himself off with his towel, Yuuri hastily got dressed and left the bathroom; leaving the door open slightly to let the steam out and headed back to his room.

Once back in his room, Yuuri put his dirty laundry in his basket and sat down on his bed. Grabbing his phone, he sighed as he saw that there were only two hours left before he would have to leave for the Chugoku, Shikoku, and Kyushu Championship. Yuuri decided to kill an hour by listening to his music while laying on his bed. Yuuri really didn’t want to leave his bed. He just wanted to fade away into nothingness instead of having to compete in this qualifying competition. Yuuri knew he would fail. He’d lose to a teenager and become a laughing stock. Japan would label him as some reject and Viktor will be known world-wide as a terrible coach. Viktor’s reputation would be ruined forever, and it would all be Yuuri’s fault.

Yuuri let his worries and anxiety run through his mind before falling into a fitful sleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Yuuri sat in the lobby in agonizing anxiety. The car ride with Viktor was spent in silence as well, but Yuuri’s anxiety wasn’t as terrible as it was now. Around him were spectators and competition officials, along with the competitors themselves. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the competing skaters look at him and whisper to each other. It made Yuuri’s heart drop into his stomach and dissolve in its acid. They were surely talking about him; how sad it is to have a 23-year-old skater competing and how that same skater suffered a crushing defeat in Sochi. He shouldn’t be skating at all, yet here he was.

“Katsuki Yuuri, please come up for your placement.”

Yuuri was snapped out of his thoughts by one of the competition’s staff. Standing from his seat, he walked to the woman holding a large bag.

“Please reach inside and draw your placement number.”

_‘Anything but the first spot, anything but the first spot, not the first spot...!’_ Yuuri prayed as he moved his hand inside the bag. Feeling as though he might be lucky and not be first, he pulled out a card and handed it to the staff member.

“Skater Katsuki Yuuri,” she started, looking down briefly to read the number, “you’re up first.”

_‘Not again...I must have horrible luck of the draw. It was the same at the last Nationals as well...’_ Yuuri thought as he went back to his seat. He was tempted to bury his head in his hands and cry, but he was in public, and him crying would most likely embarrass Viktor. Instead, he just settled for sighing. Noticing movement to his side, Yuuri looked to see a skater shaking in his seat.

“I got to see you draw the first spot in person again, Yuuri-kun! I love it!” He said, looking at Yuuri with a bright smile.

Yuuri wasn’t sure what to say. He wasn’t sure why this person looked so happy in the first place. It wasn’t like he won a gold medal or anything special; he just stood up, drew a number, and sat back down.

_‘Wait, he said “in person again”...have we met? I don’t remember him...’_ Yuuri tried scouring his memories for a hint of this boy sitting next to him, but nothing came up. Yuuri felt a tad frustrated; he didn’t have a particularly great memory when it came to people. If he had known them for some time, he would have an idea of them if he ran into them again, like how he had remembered Yosuke and Ayano.

“Um...” Yuuri mumbled, blinking owlishly at the boy.

“What, you don’t remember me? What a bummer!” The boy wailed, making Yuuri feel worse for not remembering him.

“Next up is skater Minami,” the staff member called.

“Right here! I’m Minami Kenjiro!” The boy, Minami, replied, standing up and practically running up to draw his placement number.

_‘Who’s he again...? Oh, the triplets said something about him, I think. Right...they said he would be here.’_

“Alright, I’m fourth!” Minami cheered, humming cheerily as he walked back to his seat, content with his number.

Having his placement in the competition sorted out, Yuuri allowed himself to disconnect from the world partially. The familiar white noise that replaced the regular sounds he would hear was comforting. The all-encompassing numbness of his body and mind relaxed him. He was able to forget about his troubles, even if it was just for a short time.

Yuuri felt himself walk towards somewhere after a time, and he noticed shapes in front of him. Bringing himself back a little, he noticed that the shapes were people; mainly reporters and such. Viktor was standing next to him, answering questions.

_‘That’s expected...Viktor is here at some small domestic competition, so they’re probably concerned that he’s panicking or something. But,’_ Yuuri glanced at Viktor briefly before focusing on a spot on the wall above a reporter’s head, _‘he seems fine. Viktor is probably used to being asked questions...’_

“Viktor! Because of Yuuri’s performance at the Grand Prix Final last year, he has to climb his way back up from this qualifying competition. What are your thoughts on this?”

“We’ve timed him to peak at the Grand Prix Final, so this isn’t a problem. Yuuri can just take it easy and earn personal best score today!” Viktor answered, making Yuuri flinch at the set expectation.

“I think I’ve told you this before many times,” Yuuri whispered, facing Viktor and feeling sweat start to bead on his forehead from his nervousness, “but in last year’s Nationals, I bombed everything. They wondered if I was injured, but embarrassingly, nothing was physically wrong with me. I lost, despite being a top contender, because I was mentally weak.”

“Wow,” Viktor answered, bringing a hand to his mouth in surprise.

_‘I don’t know who has a worse memory: me or Viktor.’_

Yuuri allowed himself to disconnect once more once he noticed that all of the reporter’s questions were directed towards Viktor.

_‘This is going to be a disaster.’_

_ ‘This is the start for you. You’ll be alright.’ _

Yuuri scoffed at the voice and stared ahead.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Practicing earlier at Ice Castle was a blessing.

Once the ice rink was open for practice, Yuuri had to control himself from practically running there. Practice had always calmed him down, though it didn’t work when he was at competitions. With other skaters there, their coaches and the spectators, Yuuri’s anxiety went haywire. He was relaxing as best as he could, but Yuuri felt like everyone was watching him. The thought of feeling eyes on him made his skin crawl and sent shivers down his spine. Since he practiced earlier before, he was, in his opinion, a little more at ease. But his emotional state was quick to turn negative at the slightest change, so he wasn’t sure how long this would last.

“Yuuri! Come over here,” Viktor called. Yuuri skated towards his coach, suspicious of why Viktor was smiling.

“Makkachin’s cheering for you too!” Viktor said, grinning as he held what looked like a plush of Viktor’s beloved poodle. A closer look revealed it was just a cover for a tissue box.

“Oh, yeah. Real cute,” Yuuri said, taking a tissue to blow his nose.

“Come on, try to be happier,” Viktor pouted.

Yuuri stared at Viktor briefly before placing his tissue on the partition wall and going back to skate.

_‘I haven’t been in a single competition since last year’s Nationals. I’ve been practicing with Viktor this entire time, but to be honest...I’m still not sure about myself. I have to figure out if I’m in good enough shape for the Grand Prix series. The other skaters don’t matter right now...even though they’re all better than me, I have to focus on making sure I don’t blow this and ruin Viktor’s life and career.’_

Yuuri stopped his skating when he felt someone staring at him. He felt chills run across his body and fear settle in his heart.

_‘Someone is definitely staring at me...’_

“....remember how focused you were at the Nationals,” Yuuri heard a woman say, “Don’t get overwhelmed by the energy around you!”

Hearing her speak to whoever it was, Yuuri had flashbacks to his disaster. The impact of his body hitting the ice and his breakdown. His sloppy performance had no excuse. Yuuri should’ve just powered through the pain, but he was weak. He always knew he would be weak, no matter what he did.

_‘Even though I’m just a pathetic and weak person, I have to pull this off...for Viktor’s sake. Focus! Focus!’_ Yuuri told himself.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Soon enough, the time for the short programs came. All the skaters were ushered off the ice and told to change into their costumes. After Yuuri changed, he noticed Viktor was nowhere to be seen. He started to panic. What was he going to do if Viktor wasn’t there?

Yuuri started walking around looking for his coach. His search led him to the lobby, seeing the rest of the audience come in. Among the sea, he saw two familiar faces: Minako and Nishigori. It seemed like Minako was saying something to Nishigori when she noticed Yuuri. Yuuri felt a little guilty for interrupting their conversation, but there was the chance they had seen Viktor.

“Have you seen Viktor?” Yuuri asked, “The competition’s about to start...”

“Don’t worry, Yuuri-kun, I’m sure he’s not far,” Minako tried assuring him.

“Yeah, he’s actually right over there,” Nishigori stated, pointing to where said coach was.

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” Viktor said, ignoring the crowd of fawning fans behind him.

“Why did you change clothes?” Yuuri gawked, seeing Viktor had changed into a suit and tie. Yuuri was taken aback by how it suited Viktor perfectly. A suit seemed typical for someone of Viktor’s standing, but Viktor carried an air about him that made him seem different. He called everyone’s attention and could make people weak in the knees with a single smile. Seeing Viktor in such a dashing suit gave Yuuri butterflies in his stomach.

“Today is my glorious debut as a coach, so I should be in formal dress,” Viktor explained fixing the cuff of one of his sleeves.

“You’re exactly right...” Yuuri mumbled, remembering that Viktor’s reputation as a coach hinged on his performance. The butterflies in his stomach turned into anxiety, weighing down in his stomach like a boulder.

“Come on, Yuuri, let’s head to the ice,” Viktor said, patting Yuuri on the shoulder and walking ahead of him, “You still have a warm-up skate before your short program.”

Yuuri followed behind him, his nerves dying with each step. The ice was a welcome sight, but the other skaters and the slowly filling audience seats reminded him of the pressure resting on him.

“As your coach, what should I say before sending you off to the program? What I’m thinking of right now is...”

Yuuri didn’t hear the rest of what Viktor said as he handed him his skate guards and skated onto the ice.

_‘My goal is to reach the Grand Prix Final again. I can’t get nervous already at this stage. I have to win this...I just have to.’_

_ ‘You will be fine.’ _

Yuuri ignored the voice and focused on his skating. He would be at the mercy of the public and the judges in a few minutes. He had to cherish this time before he crashed and burned.

“Gentlemen, the warm-up has ended. Please leave the ice.” The announcement declared.

Yuuri skated to where Viktor was. He took his water bottle and was about to take a drink when he noticed Viktor’s face. Viktor was looking at him with a frown and something like annoyance.

_‘Why is Viktor getting upset with me?’_ Yuuri thought as he looked away and drank his water.

“Yuuri, turn around.”

“Huh?” Yuuri said, surprised at the odd request.

“Just turn around, okay?”

“U-um, like this?” Yuuri asked, turning himself so his back was facing Viktor.

Before Yuuri could ask why Viktor wanted him to turn around, he was suddenly embraced from behind. The sudden action made Yuuri yelp in surprise. His heart was beating as fast as the camera shutters of the press he saw from the corner of his vision.

_‘Viktor is...really warm. And his arms feel so strong...’_

“Seduce me with all you have,” Viktor murmured in a sultry voice that made Yuuri flush and struggle to find anything to say, “If your performance can charm me, you can enthrall the entire audience. That’s what I always say in practice, right?”

“R-Right...” Yuuri stammered dumbly, his face hot and his costume now suddenly uncomfortable. He was comfortable enough with Viktor to allow minimal body contact; like pats on the shoulder or back. But a hug was something new...it was overwhelming. Yuuri couldn’t believe how nice it felt to be hugged by Viktor. It was like a dream come true: his crush, Viktor Nikiforov, was hugging him in public. His face must be an embarrassing shade of red, no thanks to his heart that was pounding in his chest as though it were trying to escape.

Feeling Viktor’s arms release him, Yuuri skated to his starting position on the ice amidst cheers from the audience.

_‘Remember...just skate like you do in practice.’_ He told himself.

Hearing the music start, he took a few final breaths to calm himself before he started his program. He allowed his regular self to hide and let his “Eros” persona come out again.

_‘I’m going to become a beautiful pork cutlet bowl!’_

As the guitar and violin sang, Yuuri skated, doing his best to charm his playboy and the others in the crowd. The few glances he had of the audience showed him people looking on with neutral faces.

_‘Come on, everyone! What’s with this lukewarm response? Back at Hot Springs on Ice, they were way more enthusiastic. No, I bet Viktor would like this step sequence.’_

Thinking that, Yuuri remembered what Viktor told him at practice.

_“Yuuri, dance more like you’re trying to seduce me.”_

_‘Thats right. I’m a pork cutlet bowl fatale that enthralls men. First up is a spread eagle into a triple axel...’_

Building up the speed and momentum, Yuuri executed his triple axel flawlessly, earning him applause from the audience.

_‘Ok, I managed to land it. I’ll continue the momentum with a quadruple Salchow!’_

Jumping, Yuuri realized he rotated too much and had to touch down on the ice. The gasps of the crowd didn’t help at all.

_‘Shit, I over-rotated. I can’t mess up any more of my jumps.’_

_“I was drawn to you because of the way you skate, like your body is creating music. It’s amazing. It’s perfect!”_

Viktor’s words rang through his thoughts, reminding Yuuri that his playboy was watching him.

_‘The last jump is a combination, this is the one worth the most points. A quad into a triple-‘_

As he jumped from his quad, Yuuri realized he didn’t build up enough momentum for his triple, and executed a double instead.

_‘Oh crap, it turned into a double. Damn it, focus. This is the last stretch... On to the conclusion for the love-crazed couple...er, how did it go?’_

Yuuri was panicking to the point his Eros persona was fading and his regular self was resurfacing too early. He cursed his screw ups in this performance.

_‘That’s right, the woman casts aside the man she seduced and leaves him for the next man!’_

Striking his finishing post, Yuuri breathes heavily as the audience claps and cheers for him.

“That was so cool, Yuuri-kun! That was awesome!” A voice shouts above the applause.

_‘Who’s that?’_

Yuuri looks up for the person who shouted, but only sees the audience clapping.

_‘I managed to finish somehow...at least I didn’t totally fail. I wonder if I did ok...What does Viktor think?’_ Yuuri thought as he waved thanks to the audience and skated towards where Viktor was waiting. Seeing Viktor clapping with a plastic smile he used for the press gave Yuuri a sinking feeling.

“The first half was great. But you were too focused on jumps in the second half, so your performance got sloppy,” Viktor scolded.

“Right,” Yuuri answered, staring at his shoes while Viktor spoke.

“I don’t really like that kind of thing.”

“Right.”

Before Viktor could continue, the two men were distracted by the announcement of the judges’ scores for Yuuri’s short program. Yuuri looked in anticipation, silently praying for a decent score.

“His short program score: 94.36. Katsuki Yuuri is currently in first place.”

“While this won’t be on official records, this would’ve been among the top ten scores in the world!” A reporter exclaimed amidst the applause Yuuri was given.

Yuuri felt...happy, he guessed. The score was better than he was expecting, and he felt ok with his performance. But he knew he could’ve done better. He would just have to perform even better tomorrow for his free program.

“Hm... Since you weren’t under pressure, I thought you’d score in the hundreds,” Viktor commented.

“Right, you’ve scored above a hundred points to break the world record multiple times...” Yuuri said, his happiness fading and being replaced with gloom that he couldn’t meet Viktor’s expectations.

“Oh, right. Yuuri, about tomorrow’s free skate... Lower the difficulty of the jumps and focus on performance.”

“Huh?”

“You’ve never nailed them during practice, have you?”

“But...”

“It’s not a bad idea to lower the difficulty early in the season, is it? You should prioritize adjusting your programs to help you reach your peak for the Grand Prix Final.”

Yuuri must’ve been giving Viktor an odd look, since Viktor seemed to calm down and speak more gently, “Are you saying you can’t listen to your coach?”

Yuuri looked down at the floor and thought about Viktor’s suggestion. Based on his performance today, he should listen to the older Russian, but...the jumps would earn him more technical points than if he just focused on performance alone. But he never could land them during practice; he would just eat shit every time. He needed every point he could get if he wanted to get to the Cup of China.

“Come on, Yuuri,” Viktor said, “let’s move to the lobby.”

Yuuri followed Viktor and was given a few seconds of peace before reporters crowded around the two of them. Yuuri was grateful that none of them seemed to ask him questions this time as well, but Yuuri did always have the worst luck.

“Yuuri-san,” a reporter said, calling Yuuri’s attention and making him flinch slightly, “how do you feel looking ahead to the free skate?”

“Huh? Um, tomorrow’s free skate–“

“Of course you will see Yuuri being perfect,” Viktor cut in, answering the question instead.

Yuuri turned away just in time to see the skater who knew him come out from the ice rink.

“Oh! Yuuri-kun, did you see my “Lohengrin” performance?”

“I was being interviewed, so I didn’t. I’m sorry.”

That was the wrong thing to say since the younger skater seemed to become so upset that tears were forming at the corner of his eyes. Yuuri felt bad, but that was the truth.

“I even had a similar costume made to the one from your famous “Lohengrin” program,” the skater said in a shaky voice, unzipping his jacket to show a Viking-styled costume.

“That’s a costume from my dark past...” Yuuri mumbled, the costume making Yuuri flinch from memories of his terrible skating.

“You don’t have a dark past!” The skater argued, a few tears shamelessly falling from his eyes, “Don’t make fun of me for looking up to you for so long and trying to catch up to you!”

Yuuri took a step back from the skater, not used to confrontation of any kind.

“I’m gonna give tomorrow’s free skate everything I’ve got! Please give it all you’ve got, too, Yuuri-kun! I won’t forgive you if you slack off!”

Yuuri felt the familiar sensation of dread and anxiety bubbling in his stomach and looked away from the younger skater.

_‘Did I really get scolded by a teenager? Wow...I’m more pathetic than I thought I was.’_

“Wow, skater Minami has issued a challenge! At last year’s Nationals, skater Minami Kenjiro finished ahead of skater Katsuki.”

Hearing that from the reporter, Yuuri suddenly remembered in full clarity who this person was and looked back to Minami with wide eyes.

_‘He’s the one whose total score was way higher than mine because I self-destructed... Minami-kun! Shit...’_

“Well, we have to go and rest up for tomorrow,” Viktor cut in, “Let’s go, Yuuri.”

Yuuri was given no time to react as he felt his arm being grabbed and was dragged outside to the parking lot.

“Viktor, what was that for?” Yuuri asked as he held his arm. Viktor had a surprisingly strong grip.

“You’ve had a long day, let’s just go back to the inn.”

Yuuri would’ve investigated further, but it looked like Viktor didn’t want to talk anymore. Yuuri could respect that, since he himself didn’t like talking much. So he complied and rode with Viktor in silence back to the inn.

Back at the inn, the two men ate dinner before heading back to their rooms for the night. Yuuri decided to shower one last time, and headed to the bathroom to wash off the sweat from today. While washing, Yuuri fully opened a scab on his thigh and watched it bleed.

_‘I deserve this...my performance today was shit, no matter what anyone says.’_

Watching the scar bleed for what felt like an hour, Yuuri decided that was enough and quickly finished his shower, making sure to stop the bleeding before he went back to his room.

Once in his room, Yuuri threw himself onto his bed and stared at the ceiling.

_‘I over-rotated and touched down on the ice with my quad Salchow, my triple turned into a double, and I was challenged by a teenager who I forgot completely destroyed me at last year’s Nationals because I was having a mental breakdown on the ice. Today was a total disaster...’_

Yuuri closed his eyes and willed himself to sleep so he’d be as ready as he could be for tomorrow.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“The Chugoku, Shikoku, and Kyushu Figure Skating Championship’s men’s single free skate is about to begin. All eyes are on skater Katsuki Yuuri and his coach Viktor Nikiforov. Katsuki ended yesterday’s short program in first place by a large margin, scoring a personal best of 94.36. In his free skate, he will attempt three quads. I’m sure we’re all looking forward to his performance the most!”

Yuuri tied his skates and tried to ignore the feeling of eyes on his back. His nervousness was making bile rise up in his throat and he hated it. Yuuri was afraid if he opened his mouth he would throw up.

_‘Viktor and I decided to lower the difficulty and only do one quad, but...’_

Yuuri looked up and saw Minami talking to a few other skaters as well.

“I’m gonna try a quad, too!” He heard Minami say.

“You’ve never landed one, not even in practice!” One of the other skaters said.

“I’ll try one, too!” The other agreed.

“Yuuri,” Viktor said, placing a hand on Yuuri’s shoulder, “let’s go. It’s time for the warm-ups.”

Yuuri nodded and stood up, walking away from his bench and towards the ice. He wasn’t sure if Minami was doing it on purpose, but the younger skater decided to stretch just a ways away from him. Yuuri glanced at Minami as he handed his skate guards to Viktor, and was unlucky to have still been looking at him when Minami caught Yuuri’s eye. Minami gave Yuuri a fierce smile, making the older skater look away from him.

_‘No, no, I have to focus on myself,’_ Yuuri thought as he glided onto the ice. The sound of his blades scraping the ice beneath him was a welcoming sound as he focused on his program. The six minutes he was given felt like it had been mere seconds as he skated back to where Viktor was waiting for him.

“Yuuri...” Viktor drawled, his head resting in his hand.

“Yes?”

“How can someone who can’t motivate others motivate himself? I’m disappointed in you,” Viktor said flatly, slamming down Yuuri’s skate guards on the partition and walking away.

_‘What about my own motivation that he just destroyed?!’_ Yuuri thought as he watched Viktor walk away from him, his body shaking from the fear and panic from hearing Viktor say he was disappointed in him.

Yuuri put on his skate guards and walked towards the stands. He would have to focus on getting himself back to a neutral state if he was going to pull off his free skate.

“Representing Hakata Skate Club, please welcome Minami Kenjiro-san.”

Yuuri stopped and looked through the crowd to see Minami with his coach. Minami looked...extremely nervous.

_“You don’t have a dark past! Don’t make fun of me for looking up to you for so long and trying to catch up to you!”_

Seeing Minami skate to the middle of the ice visibly nervous made Yuuri feel guilty for shunning him. He knew what it was like to be dismissed by someone you looked up to. Who was he to do the same to Minami, this person who admired him and thought Yuuri was a wonderful skater?

Yuuri took a deep breath.

“Good luck, Minami-kun!” He yelled, “Good luck!”

He saw Minami’s demeanor change instantly. Replacing his nervousness was joy, and a light shone in his eyes.

As Minami’s free skate music started, he started to dance along to the upbeat tune. The crowd was clapping along already, cheering for Minami.

_‘Minami-kun is getting the crowd fired up already. I guess he’s really popular.’_

As he watched Minami’s skate, Yuuri was amazed that Minami was landing all of his jumps with no problems.

_‘Wow, is he going to go on a roll?’_

Minami, unfortunately, ended up falling onto the ice, ruining his streak. He picked himself back up and continued skating with a frenzy of jumps and quads.

_‘Man, the way he’s so inconsistent...he reminds me of the skater I used to be. I can’t take my eyes off him. He already has the necessary skill set to skate in competitive figure skating...’_

_ ‘You’re his idol.’ _

_‘I know.’_

_ ‘You should set an example for him. That you’re worth the praise he gives you.’ _

_‘...yeah. I guess you’re right.’_

Yuuri left the ice rink and went outside, putting in his ear buds.

_‘I can tell from the cheers alone that you’re the star on the stage, Minami-kun.’_

Yuuri stretched and warmed up for his free skate under the slowly darkening sky. He was a little upset that he couldn’t see the sunset due to the buildings, but he was fine.

He needed to focus now.

~*~*~*~*~*~

He felt...different, walking back inside. As though he would be alright.

Is this what confidence felt like?

Yuuri noticed Minami and decided to give him a slap on the back for his performance. He had seen coaches in America do it for American football players, and figured it meant that the coach thought highly of their performance from what he was told.

Seeing Viktor waiting for him, Yuuri marched on. Stopping just before the gap in the partition, Yuuri shed his jacket to reveal his free skate costume: a sequined jacket of dark blue with a mesh window on his lower back that extended to a small window on his sides.

“Yeah, this costume is great. You look beautiful, in it,” Viktor said, fixing Yuuri’s hair for any stray strands he might’ve missed while styling it, “Your lips are chapped.”

Viktor took out a small tub of vaseline and scooped a small amount onto his finger. The feeling of Viktor’s finger on his lips sent small shocks through Yuuri’s body, but he couldn’t dwell on the feeling now. Viktor pulled him in for a hug, giving him a few pats on his back, with Yuuri returning the hug.

When Viktor released him, Yuuri walked towards the ice and skated to the center. He heard cheers and the announcers explain his free skate music, but Yuuri let fade into white noise.

Hearing the beginning piano notes play, Yuuri started his free skate.

_‘I always felt that I would be alone. No matter what, people leave, and you’re always alone in the end. My place was to be at the bottom of the world, and to die alone, eventually being forgotten.’_

_ ‘That isn’t true.’ _

_‘Then Viktor came into my life. I don’t know how, or why still, but he came on a snowy day in spring. Declaring he would be my coach and get me to the Grand Prix Final...at first I thought he was full of shit. Using me as an excuse to take a vacation from his career, then making me skate to Eros against Yuri Plisetsky. I managed to win, and Viktor stayed.’_

_‘ He would’ve always stayed.’_

_‘It’s taken some time...but I realized that Viktor isn’t some idol or god to be worshipped. He’s just another person. And I’m comfortable around him now. I love him, but it could never work. So even if it’s just for this season, I want to stay with him, and cherish every moment I’m able to spend with him.’_

Yuuri felt his body start to grow tired, but he powered through it. He knew he wasn’t nailing his jumps, but he felt everyone look at him.

_‘I have to make it...please, let me score ok so I can spend more time with Viktor.’_

As the piano sped up, Yuuri did his best to show everyone that he was good enough to move on. As he jumped, he miscalculated his distance from the partition and slammed his face into the wall, feeling something wet escape from his nose. Quickly wiping it away, Yuuri finished the last stretch of his program, going into his finishing pose as the last few piano notes faded. He stretched out an unsure hand towards where he thought Viktor was, feeling blood threatening to escape.

Yuuri was surprised at how loud the audience was in their cheers and applause. He felt frantic, and he slammed his face into the wall, most likely breaking his nose, but he would take what he can get.

Looking to where Viktor was, he flinched when he saw his coach cover his face with his hand. He felt his anxiety start to crawl up again when he saw Viktor look at him and stretched out his arms, motioning for a hug.

Yuuri felt unexplainably happy that despite his bloody nose, he felt tears sting at the corner of his eyes.

“Viktor!” He cried, skating hastily towards him and jumping into his arms, only to meet the ground as Viktor moved to the side.

“Watch the nosebleed,” Viktor pointedly said, helping Yuuri off the ground and tearing tissues apart to stop the bleeding.

“The scores, please, for Katsuki Yuuri-san. His free skate program score is 165.20. His total score is 259.56. He is currently in first place.”

Yuuri and Viktor were both in awe of the total score. Viktor smiled brightly at Yuuri and pulled him into a tight hug.

“Thanks for proving to me that you’re able to get a lot of PCS points. You can score even higher, so don’t feel down, okay, Yuuri?”

“Yuuri-kun!”

Both men turned to see Minami walk up to them.

“I totally lost to you. I want to face you in the Grand Prix series someday! Until then, please don’t quit!”

Yuuri was touched by Minami’s words. Despite his erratic performance and his accident, evidenced by the tissues in his nose, Minami still looked up to him.

“Oh and another thing...please give me your autograph!” Minami asked, holding out a marker and paper.

“Me too!” Another skater asked, joining Minami.

“Can I take a photo with you?”

After complying with Minami and his friends’ request, Yuuri headed back to the main lobby with Viktor walking beside him. Almost immediately, he was stopped by Minako who was crying tears of joy.

“Yuuri, I was so impressed!” Minako said, “It was so obvious that you took the younger skaters seriously as rivals. I think that motivated you and I’m so proud of you!”

“What if you’d gotten hurt, slamming into the wall like that at the end?!” Nishigori scolded.

“I’m s-sorry...” Yuuri apologized, taking out the tissue so he wouldn’t sound congested, “At first, I was just desperate because I didn’t want to lose, but somehow...I started having a lot of fun in the middle. I don’t remember a lot about it.”

“Huh?” Minako and Nishigori said in unison.

“Yeah... Anyway, that was the most fun I’ve ever had while skating in competition.”

“Excuse me, Katsuki Yuuri-san?”

Yuuri turned to see a staff member.

“Yes?”

“We need you to come back for the podium photo.”

“Oh, alright. Please excuse me,” Yuuri said to Minako and Nishigori before following the staff member.

Back on the ice, podiums were set up, with Minami and one of his friends already waiting nearby. Allowing Yuuri to go to his podium, Minami and the other skater went to their respective podiums, being given their winning certificates.

As Yuuri smiled, he felt his smile be genuine.

_‘I...I won. I can go on to the Grand Prix series...!’_

After the photo shoot, he joined Viktor again and headed to the parking lot.

“Yuuri, I’ve been told to tell you that you’re invited to a press conference for the rest of Japan’s top skaters.”

“Oh, really? When is it?”

“Tomorrow at three.”

“So soon?”

“Don’t worry about it. Just go and look your best. Do you have a suit?”

“Huh? Uh, yeah...”

“Then you’re set. Come on, let’s go back to the inn.”

The car ride was spent in a comfortable silence, with Yuuri still in disbelief that he won. As they pulled up to the inn, Viktor turned off the car and looked at Yuuri.

“You were amazing, Yuuri. You were so beautiful that no one could look away from you. I’m proud of you.”

“Viktor...thank you.”

Viktor smiled at him and got out of the car, Yuuri following his lead and heading inside.

“Yuuri, we heard the news! Congratulations!” His mother said, pulling her son into a hug.

“T-thanks, mom...”

“Tonight we’ll be making pork cutlet bowl to celebrate!”

“Really?”

“You deserve it, Yuuri. You did win, after all,” Viktor chimed in.

Dinner was spent eating in peace, with Yuuri’s parents asking Viktor for details about how Yuuri skated. Viktor also told them about Minami’s challenge against Yuuri, and how Yuuri had accepted it and kept his word to do his best. Yuuri wasn’t sure why he said that, but he was thankful to Viktor for phrasing it that way.

After dinner, Yuuri headed up to his room and changed into his sleepwear. Putting his phone to charge, he messaged Phichit the news.

‘Phichit-kun, I won the domestic competition! I’ll be able to move on to the Grand Prix series!’

‘I totally called it. And here you were, calling me a liar. >:c’

‘I’m sorry...’

‘It’s fine, don’t worry about it. The important thing is you won, and saw that I’m right that you have the skill to win. Now to smoke you at the Cup of China.’

‘I look forward to seeing you again, Phichit-kun.’

‘Same. It’ll be nice to see my best friend in person again 0u0.’

‘Haha, good night, Phichit-kun.’

‘Night, Yuuri.’

Yuuri smiled at the messages before sending the same message to Yosuke and Ayano as well. Yawning, Yuuri set his phone down and went to sleep, feeling happy that he had managed to not ruin this chance.

**________________**

 

Yuuri sat at the edge, idly swinging his legs above the void that lay below him. He felt someone’s presence beside him, though he didn’t look up. He watched from the corner of his eye as the masked figure sat near him, placing their hands on their lap and saying nothing. When Yuuri looked at them, he saw the moon on their mask had changed; the red new moon was now shifting its waxing phase.

“Why are you here?” Yuuri asked, looking back down at his legs.

“Because you need me.”

“Who are you?”

“I can’t tell you yet.”

Yuuri accepted that as their answer, though his curiosity wanted to take the mask off and see their face.

“It’s time for you to go, Yuuri.”

Yuuri looked up again and saw the sky open, the pitch black being replaced with a blinding light.

**______________**

 

Yuuri spent his morning in his bed, not wanting to get up just yet. Reaching for his phone, he saw he had messages from Ayano, Yosuke, and Phichit.

‘That’s wonderful, Yuuri-kun! We’ll be rooting for you at the Cup of China!’ Ayano’s text read. She attached a photo of her with Shintaro, Haruka, and Takene.

‘You won? Hell yeah! Keep that streak going and you’ll have that gold medal around your neck in no time. Good luck at the Cup of China!’ Yosuke texted.

‘I told Celestino you won and he said he’s really proud of you and that he’s also looking forward to seeing you again in China! Anyway, you’re probably still sleeping or something, so get your sleep. When we meet up again we are gonna party so hard òuó.’ Phichit texted, attaching an old picture of the two of them at a small party when they were in Detroit.

Yuuri smiled and sat up, stretching his back before getting up. He looked at the drawer of his nightstand and paused, opening it to see the leftover pills and cough medicine he threw in it, along with the lily he couldn’t bring himself to burn.

He slowly lifted the small bag of pills out of the drawer and held them in his hand, turning it over.

“......do I.....still need this.....?” He asked himself.

_‘Everything seems fine so far. But that could change so easily... I may have won this qualifying competition, but I could bomb the Cup of China or the Rostelecom Cup... I’ll ruin everything like usual.’_

Yuuri’s gripped the bag tighter.

“I still need this,” he answered, dropping the bag back into the drawer, closing it before leaving his room.

Heading downstairs, he saw Viktor already eating breakfast.

“Good morning, Viktor.”

“Good morning, Yuuri! How did you sleep?”

“Fine. You?”

“I slept great. Are you ready for your press conference?”

“I don’t know...”

“You’ll be fine, Yuuri.”

Yuuri simply hummed a response and ate his breakfast, thanking his mother for the food as he took his and Viktor’s dishes to be washed.

After washing dishes, Yuuri went back upstairs to look for his suit for the press conference. Rummaging through his closet, he found that there were some clothes he didn’t wear much anymore, and decided to make a pile of them to donate. He was going through his closet anyway, so he might as well clean it a little. It felt like years before he found his suit. It was...slightly wrinkled, and the tie was faded from its original blue to the same shade as the sky. It didn’t matter; all he had to do was iron his suit and he would be alright.

Laying his suit out on his bed, Yuuri left his room for the hallway closet. Reaching it, he searched the small space until he found the iron and went back to his room.

The rest of the morning was spent ironing his suit and practicing what he would say if he was asked questions. It was nerve-wracking when he saw it was a quarter to 2:30. He rushed out of the inn and rode on a train to his destination.

Yuuri considered himself lucky that he had managed to get himself checked in just in time before registration was closed. He was guided to the main room where other skaters were seated. They greeted him with polite hellos which he returned and left it at that. Yuuri was handed a small whiteboard and a dry erase marker which he was instructed would be used for when he was asked about his theme.

_‘My theme? Come to think of it...I don’t think I actually have one.’_

As the reporters were filing into the room, Yuuri reflected on his programs and his coach.

_‘My first program since my disaster at Sochi was about love. Viktor, my coach, longtime idol, and someone I care deeply about, came here just to coach me and help me get back to the Grand Prix Final. Actually, Minako-sensei, Nishigori, Yuko-chan, mom, dad, Mari...they’ve all been supporting me.’_

Yuuri wrote his theme on the whiteboard and waited. He wasn’t asked any questions, thankfully, except near what he felt was the end of the press conference when the host directed attention to him.

“Next, we have the skater Katsuki Yuuri, who’s thought to be the next leader of men’s singles in Japan. Please, show us your theme for this season.”

Yuuri looked down at his answer and hesitated. Was this an odd theme? Would the public think he was strange? Was this theme too straightforward or too abstract?

“Um... Please show your theme for this year.” The host nudged, giving Yuuri no room to think any more about it. Yuuri placed his whiteboard on the stand next to him, displaying his theme for the press to see.

Taking the microphone from the host’s hands, he cleared his throat before bringing himself to speak.

“My theme in this year’s Grand Prix series is “love.” I’ve been helped by many people in my competitive skating career thus far, but I’ve never thought about “love” until now. Though I was blessed with support, I couldn’t take full advantage of it; I always felt like I was fighting alone.”

_ ‘You’re not alone. You’ve never been alone at all.’ _

“But...since Viktor showed up to be my coach, I’ve seen something totally different. My “love” is not something clear-cut like romantic love, but the more abstract feeling of my relationships with Viktor, my family, and my hometown...”

Yuuri paused for a deep breath before straightening himself up and speaking a little louder.

“I was finally able to realize that something like love exists all around me. Viktor is the first person I’ve ever wanted to hold on to. I don’t really have a name for that emotion, but I have decided to call it “love.” Now that I know what love is and am stronger for it,” Yuuri continued as he clenched his hand and felt the fire of determination burn under his skin, “I’ll prove it to myself with a Grand Prix Final gold medal!”

Yuuri knew that he ended up shouting. He saw the wide-eyed stares of the reporters in front of him and felt the stares of the other skaters and the host on him as well.

But oddly, he didn’t care.

_‘I’m going to use my new love, and get to the Grand Prix Final with Viktor!’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry if this chapter isn’t as long as the others, but I hope you’ll enjoy it regardless. Thank you for your continued following of this work.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for suicidal thoughts, self loathing, and mild body horror due to nightmares

Yuuri remembered how much he hated packing.

Was he packing too much? Too little? Did he really need to take this? But what if something happened and he did need it but he left it back at home? It was annoying, but it had to be done. He had to hurry if he and Viktor were going to catch their flight to Beijing in time.

Before leaving, Yuuri opened his nightstand drawer and took out the bag of pills. He knew he had to take them with him, but he didn’t know how he could get them past the security check. Yuuri could try to hide them in his coat, but would the contents of the pills make the alarm go off? He didn’t want to risk it and concern Viktor. That was the last thing he needed right now.

Suddenly, Yuuri remembered that he had an old prescription for painkillers while he was in Detroit. He wasn’t sure if he finished the bottle, but Yuuri wouldn’t throw the pills out.

_‘Just more for me to overdose with.’_

Yuuri rummaged through his room, thinking how lucky he was that everyone was downstairs at the moment. Then he remembered they were all waiting for him. He paled before continuing his search.

Yuuri sighed in relief when he found the nearly empty pill bottle in his desk drawer. Opening the bottle, he emptied the pills into it, and put the bottle into his luggage. He quickly packed the pills in a space he created from a few folded shirts before zipping his luggage up. Looking around his room, he sighed before turning off the light and heading downstairs.

“Are you all set, Yuuri?” His mother asked.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“That’s good. Now, come down, you have to eat something since it’s so early in the morning.”

Yuuri obliged, taking his luggage to the entrance and heading back to sit across from Viktor at one of the tables. Yuuri thankfully didn’t have to force himself to make small talk since his mother brought out their food quickly. The two men ate in comfortable silence, Yuuri grinning at Makkachin who was staring at Viktor in order to get food from the Russian.

“No, Makkachin. You already ate, I just fed you,” Viktor chided his poodle, Makkachin whining in response.

“We’re going to be gone for some time, I think you should give him a bite of your food,” Yuuri reasoned, chuckling from Makkachin’s attempt for food.

Viktor pursed his lips in thought, then smiled, “That’s true. Alright, you win,” Viktor admitted, taking a piece of food from his plate and placed it on the floor. Makkachin let out a bark of happiness before eating.

“You have Yuuri to thank for your snack, Makkachin. Say thank you,” Viktor said, petting his poodle.

Yuuri wasn’t prepared to be bombarded by kisses from Makkachin, but he grew used to it after what felt like 10 sloppy dog kisses.

“Y-you’re welcome!” Yuuri laughed, his own food forgotten in favor of defending his face from being covered in saliva. He caught Viktor staring at him with a grin on his face and was flooded with embarrassment.

“Yuuri, Yuko-chan and her family came to see you off, as well as Minako-san,” Yuuri’s father informed him. Sure enough, Yuuri saw the crowd of people enter through the small inn door and they all sat down at the table close to Yuuri and Viktor.

“Yuuri-kun, are you excited?” Yuko asked.

“I’m really nervous, actually...”

“You’ll do fine, Yuuri-kun! You were amazing at the Chugoku, Shikoku, and Kyushu Competition; the Cup of China should be just as easy!” Minako said, laughing confidently. Yuuri could only laugh half-heartedly along with her.

_‘Everyone pretty much expects me to win...’_ Yuuri shuddered as he felt his anxiety twist his stomach into knots.

After wiping his face of what dog slobber remained and finishing his meal, Yuuri stood and gave his parents a hug.

“We’ll be rooting for you, Yuuri,” his father said.

“Do your best, Yuuri. We’ll be watching and supporting you from here,” his mother added.

Yuuri thanked his parents and opened the inn’s door, grabbing his luggage and donning his face mask. He turned and saw Viktor petting Makkachin.

“Makkachin, behave while I’m gone, ok? Don’t you dare steal any steamed buns or anything else,” Viktor instructed, hugging his dog.

Yuuri looked at the scene with a small smile.

_‘Viktor really does love Makkachin...’_ Yuuri briefly remembered the shrine for his own poodle, _‘I’m sorry, Vicchan.’_

“Um, Viktor, we’re going to miss the flight...” Yuuri reminded his coach. He didn’t want to disturb the moment, but if they missed the flight, then everything would’ve been for nothing.

“Alright. Bye, everyone,” Viktor said, standing up and waving to everyone.

As the two men walked out, everyone else stood outside and waved at them.

“Ok, I’m off to Beijing!”

“Good luck,” Mari said, giving a thumbs up.

“I’ll be right behind you!” Minako shouted, holding up her plane ticket.

Yuuri waved and let their words of encouragement be the final thing he would remember about his home if he failed.

Getting to the airport was tricky, but they had managed to get checked in an hour and a half before their flight would depart. Yuuri’s heart beat loudly in his ears as his luggage was scanned. He grew increasingly nervous as the worker stared at the contents of his luggage.

“Excuse me, sir, may I open your luggage?”

“U-um, sure...”

Yuuri trembled as the worker opened his suitcase and took out the bottle of pills.

“Katsuki Yuuri...for pain...” Yuuri heard the worker mumble, “Alright, this is fine. Sorry, but we have to check pill bottles in case someone tries to take any illegal substances with them.”

“Ah, no, it’s alright; I understand.”

Yuuri packed the pills and closed his luggage once more. He sat with Viktor at the gate and watched the planes sitting on the airway.

“You have prescriptions?” Viktor asked.

“Oh, yeah. Just for pain...”

“Why didn’t you tell me this?”

“I didn’t use it for a while. I only took them when I was skating. Since I’m skating again, I’ll probably need them.”

Viktor hummed, seeming to accept that answer.

While waiting for the flight, Yuuri realized he hadn’t told Yosuke or Ayano that he would be leaving today. He quickly sent them a text saying he was currently waiting for his flight to Beijing and apologized for not telling them sooner. Yosuke texted him back first before Ayano.

‘Off to Beijing already? Good luck! Me and the others will catch the livestream and root for you!’ Yosuke texted.

‘You’re one step closer to getting to the Grand Prix Final. That’s great, Yuuri-kun! I’m sure you’ll be great. Shintaro wishes you luck; I’ll see if I can convince him to watch the livestream with me. I should make it a party! Anyways, good luck!’ Ayano texted.

Yuuri smiled at the texts. He quickly sent the siblings a thank you text before pocketing his phone.

“Viktor, where will be staying?”

“At the Xiyuan Hotel. It’s close to the stadium where the event will be held.”

“I see...”

“Did you want to share a bed?”

Yuuri choked on his own saliva.

“I’m joking,” Viktor chuckled, “The room has two beds, so don’t worry.”

“Attention, the 9:00 A.M. flight to Beijing is now boarding. All passengers please make your way onto the plane. I repeat-“

“Let’s go, Yuuri!” Viktor said, standing and grabbing his luggage.

“Right...” Yuuri followed after him.

Yuuri wasn’t sure what Viktor would think of flying coach. He was sure the Russian was used to flying first class, but Yuuri was comfortable with coach. Yuuri was sure someone like himself wasn’t mean for first class anyway, so it wouldn’t be right for a nobody like him to sit there.

“Viktor, do you mind if I take the window seat?”

“Of course not; go ahead.”

After they stored their luggage in the overhead compartment, Yuuri took his seat by the window. He loved being able to see what he was flying over, so Yuuri always did his best to get a window seat. It was calming to watch the scenery pass by below him. Being so high up made him think that he was dead and his spirit was flying above the world; looking over it before he faded from existence and into eternal sleep.

“Wow, I haven’t flown coach in a while,” Viktor commented, bringing Yuuri out of his slowly darkening thoughts, “Want to get some champagne?”

“Isn’t it too early for that...?”

“Of course not!”

“N-no thank you. And, um,” Yuuri realized that he was actually quite exhausted. He had woken up earlier than usual, and the added stress that kept him awake for most of the night didn’t help either, “Viktor, can I get some sleep?”

“I’m surprised you can sleep in such a cramped seat!”

“Well, when you’re tired, you can pretty much sleep anywhere,” Yuuri awkwardly laughed, remembering how during finals week he would sleep in the college library to find out Phichit uploaded pictures of him snoozing.

Bending over to reach his carry on bag on the ground, Yuuri pulled out his neck pillow and placed it around his neck. The flight would last for around 5 or so hours, so that would hopefully be enough time for him to not feel as tired.

“Good night.”

“It’s daytime, but good night, Yuuri.”

Yuuri closed his eyes and fell into a slightly troubled sleep.   
  


**_____________**

Yuuri was panicking.

He was terrified of failing at the Cup of China. All the work Viktor put in would have been for nothing. Minami would be disappointed in him and realize that Yuuri wasn’t worth his praise; that he was just a failure.

Failure. Failure. Failure.

He remembered his dream of seeing his dead body and wished that was him.

Death was better than failure.

He saw his teeth and hair falling out, his stomach falling out of his body and lying on the ground, pulsating and blood pooling around it. The scars on arms were suddenly opened wide, his veins pumped blood as he watched his scars bleed.

This was a terrible nightmare.

Yuuri felt someone near him. Looking up, he saw the familiar mask of the figure that spoke to him.

The figure knelt down in front of him. The blood from Yuuri parted around its knees, though its hand had become lightly stained. The figure reached out a hand and placed it on Yuuri’s head.

Yuuri blinked, and he was back to his normal self. His stomach was no longer on the ground, his scars were closed. He felt...calm. As though he had achieved some serene peace.

“Do not worry. You will not fail.”

 

**__________**

Yuuri woke up groggily, moving to stretch his arms when he felt a weight on his shoulder. Looking down, he saw that Viktor had fallen asleep and was using Yuuri’s shoulder as a pillow.

Yuuri blushed as he took in Viktor’s sleeping figure.

‘He’s so handsome even when sleeping...’

Looking out the window, he saw the ground beneath the plane grew closer than when he last saw it.

“Your attention, please. Passengers, we will be arriving in Beijing in 45 minutes. Please make your way back your seats and fasten your seatbelts.”

Yuuri was relieved that he had managed to sleep the entire flight; though the nightmare certainly didn’t help him at all. He had always had vivid dreams and nightmares. He had even woken up with sleep paralysis once. Not being able to move or speak was hell. Yuuri tried to shake off the nightmare by watching the scenery below him become clearer as they descended inch by inch.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~

After landing and checking in at the hotel, Yuuri decided to rest for a little before having to head to the Capital Indoor Stadium. He disliked having to go there just for interviews. They weren’t even going to skate! What was the point then?

“Yuuri, come over here and let me do your hair,” Viktor called from the bathroom.

“Huh? You always do my hair for my programs, shouldn’t I do it for this?”

“Just come over here and let me do it,” Viktor insisted. Yuuri obliged, joining Viktor in the bathroom where he saw a variety of skin and hair care products lining the counter already.

“Won’t your feet hurt having to stand for this?” Yuuri asked as Viktor started to fix his hair.

“Don’t be silly. You’re shorter than me, so this isn’t a trouble at all. Besides, if it’s for you, then I don’t mind.”

Yuuri couldn’t help but flush at the comment, his heart beating just a little bit faster.

“I love styling your hair. It’s so easy to do, and it’s soft too. Such a pretty shade of black as well.”

“O-Oh...really...?” Yuuri mumbled.

“Mhm,” Viktor hummed, “And there, all done.”

“Thank you...”

“Of course. Now let’s go get that interview over with.”

 

~*~*~*~*~*~

Yuuri despised interviews. Mainly, he despised having to talk so much. The noise of it all made him want to cover his ears and run to someplace quiet. Having Viktor beside him eased the situation though not by much. He knew the basic questions they would ask and he knew what to say so he could space out, but he had to pay attention mostly for questions that were different.

“Yuuri-san! You declared your theme for this season to be “love.” How much power of love do you have to be able to survive against your competitors?”

“Huh? How much power of love do I have? Well...” Yuuri started, rubbing the back of his head.

“Yuuri, let’s go have hot pot already,” Viktor interrupted.

“Hey, I’m in the middle of interview!”

Yuuri noticed Viktor’s eyes follow someone who was walking behind him.

“Oh, Yakov!”

Viktor dashed off, leaving Yuuri alone with the swarm of reporters.

“Right, how much of the power of love I have. Um...well, I would like to think it’s enough since Viktor is here with me...my family and friends are back home supporting me as well. So as long as they still support me, I think I’ll be ok...” Yuuri answered, unsure of what the reporters were thinking about his answer.

The questions contained until the reporters thanked Yuuri for his time. Fortunately, Viktor had returned near the end and was happy to leave.

“So, what happened?”

“I saw Yakov and asked if he wanted to come have hot pot with us. He said he wasn’t interested.”

“I can only imagine why...”

“Right? Who wouldn’t want hot pot?” Anyway, let’s go!”

 

~*~*~*~*~*~

“Look, Yuuri! Shanghai crab! Drunken shrimp! Duck blood!”

Yuuri looked at the food that had just been delivered to them at their table. It felt nice to be at a simple restaurant in his regular clothes and his hair free of gel, but the ever-present anxiety of tomorrow’s short program lingered in the back of his mind, nagging at him.

“Huh? You’re not eating the shrimp?” Viktor asked after eating a shrimp himself.

“It’s right before a competition, so I want to avoid raw food...” Yuuri couldn’t stomach the idea of him getting sick from the food and spending hours puking it up. He’d lose weight that way, but the burning sensation in his throat was something he’d rather not experience.

“Are you sure? It’s really good.”

Yuuri sighed. “I ran my mouth too much at the press conference,” he said as he rested his face on his hand, “What will people say if I lose after all that...?”

“Oh, Yuuri?”

Gasping, Yuuri looked up and was greeted with a friendly and familiar face.

“Phichit-kun!”

“So this is where you were eating! You should’ve invited me!”

“Hi,” Viktor greeted.

“Oh, hello! But man, talk about a coincidence. Oh, can I invite Ciao Ciao?”

“Huh?” Yuuri asked.

“You want to see him, don’t you?”

“Uh, n-not really...” Yuuri mumbled, knowing his answer was futile as Phichit most likely texted Celestino where he was. Talking to Celestino over the phone about Viktor being his coach was one thing. Seeing him in person with Viktor was another. Yuuri wasn’t convinced that Celestino was ok with the idea, but it was out of his hands.

Celestino must’ve been close by since he had arrived at the restaurant a few minutes after Phichit texted him.

“Yuuri! Ciao, ciao!” Celestino greeted.

“Um, hello...”

“Do you want some shrimp?” Viktor asked, holding out a shrimp with his chopsticks towards Celestino.

“Oh, that kind of food doesn’t agree with me–“

“It’s really good!” Viktor insisted, shoving the shrimp towards Celestino.

Yuuri watched as Celestino sat next to Phichit in the seat across from where he and Viktor were sitting.

“I suppose maybe a drink wouldn’t hurt,” Celestino said, reaching for a bottle of liquor that Viktor had ordered to pour himself a glass.

“You want to play a drinking game? Whoever passes out first loses!” Viktor suggested.

“Sure, you’re on, Nikiforov,” Celestino grinned.

Yuuri could only laugh nervously as he watched his former coach and current coach try and out-drink each other.

“So,” Phichit said, calling Yuuri’s attention, “how have you been?”

“Oh, um, alright I guess... I mean, I’m here, so that’s something...”

“It’s a big deal you’re here! We’re definitely going to the Grand Prix Finals together; I can feel it.”

“I don’t know... everyone has the talent to make it.”

“Yuuri, you’ve got to have a little more confidence in yourself! You’re a super cute dude who knows how to turn on the charm, and your skating is incredible! Heck, if I were you, I’d be really happy.”

“Being me isn’t all that great, Phichit-kun...for various reasons.”

Phichit pouted, “You’re cute, you can skate, and you have Viktor freaking Nikiforov as your coach. I’m pretty sure the whole world wants to be you right now.”

Yuuri made a pained noise, looking away from Phichit to stare at the floor.

“You need to post more on your Instagram.”

“Huh?”

“Seriously! You have no posts at all! You’ve gotta keep in touch with your fans you know.”

“I don’t really have any fans...”

“Um, hello? I am your fan.”

“Are you...?”

“Of course I am, so jot that down. Plus, when I posted selfies of us, you know how many comments were asking who’s the cutie with the glasses? Like, pretty much all of them!”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, I didn’t know...”

Phichit sighed, hastily tapping on his phone screen before looking at Yuuri with a gentle expression.

“Yuuri, I care about you. Hell, you’re my best friend! So please, try and believe me when I say you have amazing skills on the ice and that you’re cute. It would be really mean of me to lie to you.”

“Phichit-kun... I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok. Just maybe try to believe me from now on, at your own pace, alright?”

“A...a-alright.”

“Cool. Now, look at this meme I found the other day.”

Yuuri spent some time looking at photos and videos Phichit shared with him until he felt a body lean against him.

“Yuuri, I won~. Do I get a victory kiss?” Viktor drunkenly slurred, rubbing his face against Yuuri’s cheek.

“V-Viktor? W-what- where’s your shirt?!” Yuuri stammered.

“Poor Celestino! Hang in there!” Phichit cried, taking pictures of a passed out Celestino.

“Um...”

Yuuri turned and saw two younger skaters: Leo De la Iglesia and Guang-Hong Ji. Their expressions of discomfort and awkwardness made Yuuri feel sorry for them. Thinking back to Phichit using his phone earlier, he most likely texted these two to come and hang out.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Viktor’s had way too much to drink...” Yuuri apologized.

“Let’s all go to a hot spring,” Viktor drawled, rocking Yuuri back and forth in his arms, “Hot springs... Hasetsu Hot Springs...that’s a great place...”

“Viktor, what are you saying? We’re not anywhere near a hot spring right now.”

“Hot springs, hot springs!”

“H-hey, don’t strip!” Yuuri shrieked, watching as Viktor threw his pants towards a probably traumatized Leo.

“I think you two should go...this isn’t a good time,” Phichit suggested, the two younger skaters nodding furiously as they practically ran out of the restaurant, “Oh, Viktor’s naked. This is...really awkward.”

“Can you help me get him back in his clothes...? I’m going to have to get him back to the hotel, and that’s going to be tiring.”

“Sure. How many people can say they helped Viktor Nikiforov put on his clothes?”

Convincing a drunken Viktor who wanted to go to a hot spring to put his clothes on was like talking to a brick wall. So Yuuri made himself put Viktor’s underwear (don’t stare at his crotch, don’t stare at his crotch) and pants back on before having Phichit get Viktor’s shirt back on him.

“Thanks again.”

“No problem. You do kind of owe me big time for this, so expect an I.O.U. through Instagram.”

“Sure. Will you be alright helping Celestino?”

“Yeah; I’m pretty sure he’ll be alright in an hour or so. What about you?”

“The hotel isn’t that far from here, so I think I’ll be fine.”

“If you say so. Night, Yuuri.”

Waving Phichit goodbye, Yuuri helped a drunk Viktor walk back to their hotel room.

“Yuuri, let’s sleep together~.”

“No.”

“You’re so mean, Yuuri,” Viktor pouted, hiding himself under his blankets.

“Are you going to change?”

When Yuuri was met with silence, he figured Viktor was probably asleep. Sighing, he grabbed his sleepwear and went into the bathroom to change. Once dressed, Yuuri turned off the light and climbed into his bed.

“Good night, Viktor.”

 

~*~*~*~*~*~

The next day was slightly better. Yuuri helped Viktor nurse some of his hangover, and allowed Viktor to style his hair again with no complaints. Today was the day for the short program, so Yuuri had to concentrate on performing his best.

At the stadium, Yuuri and Viktor were checked in and allowed to head to the back halls where the other competitors were. Looking around, Yuuri saw Phichit with Leo and Guang-Hong and walked over to join them.

“Oh, hey Phichit-kun!”

“Hey, did you see the photo Phichit uploaded?” Yuuri heard someone say.

“Yeah, that was pretty risqué!”

Dreading what he was going to find, Yuuri took out his phone and opened Instagram, his stomach became deadweight in his body.

“Phichit-kun!” Yuuri scolded, the picture of a shirtless Viktor hugging a surprised Yuuri while Phichit used them as a background for a selfie mocked him.

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t stop myself from sharing it online!” Phichit apologized.

“Hey, we managed to hold back!” Leo and Guang-Hong said in unison.

_‘Crap, now everyone will think I was fooling around before the competition. If I mess up now...’_ Yuuri’s memory of his failure at Sochi replayed itself in his mind, tormenting him.

He was brought out of his slowly developing anxiety attack by a hand grabbing his ass.

“Yuuri,” a deep voice spoke, the owner of the voice leaned against Yuuri’s back while still holding his ass, his voice now in his ear, “why didn’t you invite me?”

“Chris...”

“It looks like you got into shape as well. Guess your master’s giving you very thorough training,” Christoph Giacometti said, pulling his body off of Yuuri’s back to look him in the face.

“Viktor is just a good coach is all,” Yuuri replied, smiling sheepishly.

“Oh, Chris!” Viktor called, “How’s it going?”

“I’m not motivated without you,” Chris replied.

“You’re always like that at the start of the season though.”

“Viktor!” A man called, appearing behind Christophe, “Chris is right. He can’t get serious without you competing. Come back to the fold.”

“Viktor!” A pair of women called, “Are you really a coach now? Just split up with him and come back to the ice! You know it won’t last. Don’t you feel sorry for him?” They laughed.

“Yuuri,” Chris started, speaking loudly enough that only Yuuri could hear him, “the sin of keeping Viktor to yourself is grave. The whole world is hoping for his return.”

“I...I know...” Yuuri mumbled.

“Attention, Group 1 of the Men’s Singles Short Program. Please make your way to the rink for warm-up, as we will be beginning the event in 10 minutes.”

“Oh, that’s me! Watch me and tell me how I do, Yuuri!” Phichit said before heading towards the ice, with Leo and Guang-Hong following behind him.

“S-Sure...” Yuuri mumbled to Phichit’s back.

‘I know it’s wrong of me to keep Viktor to myself, so...it’s only right that when I do fail, I die for it. To make up for the time I kept him away from the ice and the world...’

Yuuri walked over to one of the monitors mounted on the walls so the other skaters could see the current group skate. Yuuri saw Phichit and Celestino talking briefly before Phichit took off for the center of the ice.

“First up is Phichit Chulanont from Thailand, age 20. After placing fourth in Skate America, he’ll need to place second or higher here in order to qualify for the finals.”

Yuuri watched with captured breath as Phichit started to skate, with the crowd already getting fired up and clapping along with his music.

_‘I recognize that song...Phichit said it was from one of his favorite movies. He’s said he wanted to skate to this music for a long time.’_

Yuuri stared thoughtfully at the monitor.

_‘Phichit-kun is giving everything he’s got for this season, too.’_

As Phichit’s program went on, Yuuri was in awe of the Thai skater. He moved so fluidly, looked so happy, and the crowd loved him.

_‘He’s made this music his own... but, it’s him. He’s doing his best, and it paid off. I’m happy for you, Phichit-kun.’_

Yuuri couldn’t help the small clap he gave when Phichit finished his program. Phichit’s score came out to 86.75. If he got another score like that, he’d have a good chance of moving on.

Sighing, Yuuri turned away from the monitor and started to work off some of his stress by jogging.

_‘After seeing Phichit-kun’s performance, I’m no longer unsure... People who want to see Viktor skate will never be satisfied with my skating. They’ll find anything to hate about it, even if it was miraculously flawless. It all comes down to hating me. That I took Viktor from skating and kept him as my coach. That I didn’t give him back from the start. And the few people who do support and cheer for me wouldn’t be satisfied with the old me either. They’d be disappointed with me.’_

_ ‘You have to give your all. Just like the qualifying competition.’ _

_‘If that’s the case... I want to be hated as the man who took Viktor from the whole world! He’s still with me, he chose to come and be my coach. If they hate me, then that’s fine! I’ll show off my love for Viktor, and make the world angrier.’_

 

~*~*~*~*~*~

“Please welcome the last skater from Group 1, Katsuki Yuuri from Japan, age 23.”

Yuuri stood opposite of Viktor of the partition dividing the ice from concrete. His hands were balled into fists from anxiety, his emotions and thoughts making his mind a muddled mess. He stared down at his fists, tempted to use enough pressure with his nails to break the skin and bleed. His thought of self-harm was interrupted by Viktor placing a gentle hand over Yuuri’s fist.

“The time to seduce me by picturing pork cutlet bowls and women during your skate is over. You can fight with your own personal charm,” Viktor said as if he knew something Yuuri didn’t. He looked at Yuuri with a calm, comforting smile that softened his eyes, “You can envision it just fine, can’t you?” Viktor asked in a soothing voice, rubbing his fingers over Yuuri’s knuckles.

Yuuri’s heart pounded in his chest, thrumming in his ears as he took out his hand from Viktor’s and intertwined his fingers with the Russian, pressing his forehead against his coach, “Don’t you dare take your eyes off me,” Yuuri said, staring into Viktor’s icy blue eyes with fiery determination.

“I won’t.”

_ ‘He never will.’ _

Yuuri let go of Viktor’s hand and skated to the center of the ice.

_‘“My own personal charm...” I don’t have that. But, I need to come up with something...I need to show off my Eros.’_

Hearing the familiar guitar picking, Yuuri decided to try something he saw in a movie Phichit dragged him to see. It was an action movie involving spies, the main character being a woman who seduced men and killed them once she got information. So along with his beginning choreography, Yuuri licked his lips like the spy. Embarrassment ran through him like lightning before being replaced with his determination.

“...Well, he’s certainly changed drastically from the previous season.” Yuuri heard one of the announcers say.

“Maybe living with his coach, Viktor, has changed things for him mentally.” Another announcer commented.

_‘They can laugh at me all they want. They can think it’s not like me. But everyone really wants to know the new me, don’t they?’_

He danced on, letting his Eros persona and his regular self to merge. The whole world hated him; he shouldn’t care. The audience didn’t matter. The only one who mattered was Viktor. That’s who he was skating for.

“This next jump is a quadruple Salchow, which Katsuki has only been able to land 30% of in competition.”

Yuuri scoffed internally. That was true, but he wasn’t going to fail this time. He jumped, and landed his Salchow, smirking as he landed.

_‘I’m the only one who can satisfy Viktor. I’m the only one in the whole world who knows Viktor’s love. I’ll prove that now.’_

Yuuri felt as if he were on fire. Something inside him had changed, he knew. He couldn’t be more thankful for the momentary shift of failure in favor of success. Though he was sure it came at a price, he could worry about that later. Right now, he had to bow to the audience.

“You’re witnessing the birth of a new Katsuki Yuuri! No one can deny this was a perfect performance! It’s a personal best for Katsuki; the audience is still on their feet!”

Yuuri panted, waving towards the audience before skating to where the kiss and cry was. Putting on his skate guards, Yuuri walked to the bench as Viktor joined him, grinning proudly. Viktor pulled Yuuri into a side hug and waved into the camera in front of them.

“Well, his coach, Victor, looks very happy!”

“Yuuri,” Viktor started, turning his head to look at him, “did it feel that great?”

“Well...I was hoping everyone else felt great watching me.”

‘I can’t believe I just said that out loud...that sounds so dirty.’

“And now we have Katsuki’s short program score: 106.84! A new personal best! He’s currently in first place!”

Yuuri was leaning forward, squinting at the screen to read his score when he was pulled back by Viktor.

“Yuuri!” He cheered, rubbing the top of Yuuri’s head, “Of course they’d feel great watching a performance like that. You’re the best student.” Viktor said into his ear.

“T-thank you,” Yuuri stammered, his heart beating from Viktor praising him.

“Katsuki Yuuri! Do you mind if we ask you a few questions?” A news reporter asked.

“Oh, um, no, go ahead.”

Yuuri subjected himself to the mercy of the group of news reporters that had crowded him. Thankfully, they all asked him questions he was familiar with, so he could space out and still answer whatever he was asked.

After some time, he and Viktor made their way back to the waiting area. Viktor occupied himself with his phone while catching glimpses of the other competitors. Yuuri watched each short program himself. Georgi Polpovich’s program was...intense, for lack of a better word. Leo’s performance was heartfelt, with his interpretation of his song and his footwork, despite there being no quads.

“This program definitely maximizes Leo-kun’s strengths,” Yuuri noted.

“I can see why he won Skate America,” Phichit added.

“Wow! Leo is amazing!” Guang-Hong said, seeing Leo place third.

“Man, Leo beat me too! Damn it...I’ll just have to work harder for tomorrow’s free skate!” Phichit said.

Yuuri just chuckled at Phichit’s words before focusing on the screen again. Christophe was up and would be the last skater performing for today. He remembered Chris placing second at last year’s Grand Prix Final; his picture of him holding the silver medal prominent as Yuuri read various articles about the winners while seeing everyone talk about how terribly Yuuri had done.

Watching Chris’s performance was slightly...awkward. It appears he and Yuuri had both chosen Eros, with Chris amping the sex appeal up to an extreme, with Yuuri focusing on love instead.

“I guess today’s sex appeal award goes to Chris,” Yuuri muttered as Chris finished his performance. He felt Viktor patting him comfortingly on his shoulders and leaned into the touch.

“That ice looks soaking wet...” Phichit commented.

“Christophe Giacometti’s short program score is 85.60. He’s ended the short program in fifth place.”

“Huh?” Yuuri perked up, hearing Chris’s score, “T...then am I...?”

“Hey, congrats, Yuuri!” Phichit said, walking up to Yuuri and placing a friendly hand on his shoulder, “But know I’m gunning to pass you in the free program. Still, good luck!”

“Um...yeah...”

“Excuse me, Katsuki Yuuri?” A voice asked.

“Yes?” Yuuri looked to see it was another newscaster. He sighed in relief that it was just one person and their cameraman instead of the usual crowd.

“May we ask you one question before we sign off for today?”

“Y-yes, that’s fine.”

“Skater Katsuki, what are your thoughts on the upcoming free skate?”

“Um, w-with my coach, Viktor, I’ll win with the power of love!”

“Fight, win!” Yuuri heard Viktor chant behind him.

When the newscaster left, Yuuri sighed heavily as his anxiety came back in full force.

‘I’m in first. What the hell? This has never happened before... I knew my performance was going to do something to me...what am I going to do if I fail?’

“Yuuri, are you alright?” Viktor asked.

“Oh, uh, yeah...! Why?”

“Since you’re in first, I figure we should celebrate!”

“Huh? Isn’t it too early for a celebration?”

“Yuuri, you need to celebrate something like this! You’re in first place!”

“I feel like celebrating prematurely will just make the universe work against me...”

“Come on, you’ll be fine.”

Yuuri wasn’t entirely convinced, but this seemed to be something Viktor wanted to do. And he still wanted to cause little to no problems at all for him, so he didn’t really have much choice.

“Alright, what did you have in mind?”

“Maybe some champagne? Or we can go to the hot pot place again we went to last night!”

“I want to avoid drinking, but sure. Hot pot sounds nice.”

“Great! It’s a date then!”

“D-d-date?”

“Mhm, a date! How does 8:30 sound?”

“That’s only in a few hours!”

Viktor didn’t appear to hear him as he walked away, a smile on his lips as he hummed Yuuri’s short program song.

_‘A date...with Viktor... No, he’s just being nice. I guess he wants me to feel confident that I’m in first place currently... yeah, that’s it. There’s nothing to this.’_

 

~*~*~*~*~*~

Yuuri regretted not packing his entire closet.

He was nervous at the hotel. Viktor looked to be ready and waiting for Yuuri, which made him panic even more. Yuuri was close to dumping his luggage on the bed and constructing an outfit, but held back from fear that Viktor would think strangely of him. In the end, he settled for a simple blue cardigan and black jeans.

The walk to the hot pot restaurant was spent in silence. They sat at their table, ordered, and waited. Yuuri let out a nervous laugh at the champagne bottle and accompanying glasses set on their table. Viktor poured a glass for himself and Yuuri, with Yuuri taking a small sip of the bubbling drink.

_‘It’d be rude of me to not drink any, but I have to skate tomorrow...’_

Yuri made sure to counter the champagne with plenty of water. As their hot pot came, they ate in comfortable silence.

“I’m very proud of you, Yuuri,” Viktor said suddenly, breaking the silence, “You were beautiful out there on the ice. I’m sure you seduced everyone there.”

“T-thank you...”

After their hot pots were devoured, Viktor paid for their meal (which made Yuuri guilty that he wasn’t quick enough to offer to pay).

Back at their hotel room, both men had changed into their sleepwear and got into their beds.

“Good night, Yuuri.”

“Good night, Viktor...sleep well.”

“You too.”

With the lights off, Yuuri stared up at the ceiling in darkness.

_‘It’s too early to celebrate...I’ll be knocked down from first to fourth, or sixth. I’ll fail, and then everyone will hate me even more... that’s fair. I deserve to be hated.’_

_ ‘You’re not at fault. Viktor chose you.’ _

_‘I’m at fault for existing. If I never existed, Viktor wouldn’t have left his career.’_

_ ‘Viktor would regret never meeting you.’ _

Yuuri sighed, resigning himself to the ludicrous ideas the voice was suggesting.

_‘Viktor regretting never meeting me? What a joke...’_

Yuuri closed his eyes and tried his best to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m terribly sorry this chapter isn’t as long compared to others. This episode is short in terms of Yuuri’s perspective since it gives screentime to other characters. I’m very much looking forward to the big event in the next episode, and I hope you all will as well. Thank you for your continued following of this work. 
> 
> (If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to message me at my tumblr, data-roxass.tumblr.com )


	7. Chapter 7

After the short program and celebratory dinner, the competitors were given practically no time to relax before the final stretch of the Cup of China: the free program.

As Yuuri was unpacking his free program costume, his phone rang. Reading the screen told him the Nishigoris were calling, so he decided to answer.

“Hello?”

“Yuuri! Congratulations on being first!” Nishigori’s voice boomed, “Everyone here got fired up from watching your performance!”

“That was the hottest performance ever!” Yuko added, her voice squealing, “That was so awesome, Yuuri-kun!”

“Keep it up in your free program too!” Nishigori said, as the triplets chanted “awesome, awesome!”

“A-ah...t-t-thanks...” Yuuri muttered.

“Good luck with your free program!” The family said in unison before letting the line go dead.

Yuuri stared down at his phone in gut-churning anxiety.

_‘Everyone expects me to finish in first...what am I going to do when I fall to second or third? They’ll all be disappointed in me...and I’ll have no chance of qualifying in the Rostelcom Cup...I’m going to crash and burn like kerosene-soaked garbage, I know it...’_

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he sighed. He wasn’t able to sleep much; but he was grateful for the rough one and a half hour of sleep he got. Not being able to sleep was definitely going to screw up his ability to skate, Yuuri knew that. He didn’t really have much time to mourn for the lost sleep anyway; Viktor was waiting for him at the stadium.

Walking to the stadium felt surreal. He could feel people’s stares on him as he walked. It made his skin crawl; made him feel like scratching his skin until he drew blood with his blunt fingernails. But he had to press on. Yuuri could save his mental breakdown for later.

Meeting up with Viktor was a bad idea. After admitting he got a small amount of sleep, and the added fact he looked like shit, Viktor dragged Yuuri all the way back to the hotel.

“W-why are we back here?”

“You’re taking a nap and getting some sleep.”

“What?! But, it’s only–“

Yuuri was interrupted by Viktor throwing back the covers of the bed and tossing Yuuri onto it.

“Naaaap.”

“A-At least let me get out of my clothes!”

Viktor made a small noise of compliance before sitting down on the bed and watched Yuuri walk to the bathroom.

‘ _Is he serious?! I can’t take a nap, the free program is today! I need to practice...’_

Yuuri sighed and stripped himself down to his underwear. He wasn’t going to waste more time changing into his pajamas. His folded clothes on the bathroom sink, Yuuri walked out to have his eyes covered by a piece of fabric. Before he could react, he felt strong arms lift him and toss him onto the bed; a blanket quickly covering him.

“Nap until this evening’s event starts. It’ll be fine,” Yuuri heard Viktor say as he felt a weight beside him, “I always slept in until the last minute before competitions, too.”

Yuuri felt the small amount of air he had in his lungs leave him as a weight pressed on top of his body. Feeling it move slightly, he had a heart attack realizing that Viktor was asleep on top of him.

“Viktor! Did you even set an alarm?!”

With silence as his answer, Yuuri tried to not think about Viktor sleeping on top of him.

_‘I shouldn’t be here...I should be at the stadium getting ready...’_

_______________

Yuuri found himself at the stadium, yet felt something was off.

Looking around, no one seemed to see him. When he spoke, no one responded.

“And now, here at the Cup of China, we have skating legend Viktor Nikiforov.”

Yuuri looked to see Viktor in a strikingly beautiful black costume. But Viktor’s face...was just heartbroken. As if he’d been crying for hours.

“He will be skating to a specially made rendition of “Once Upon a December.” His theme for this season is very personal, as he’s not disclosed it to anyone, not even his coach.”

Yuuri watched as Viktor skated. He felt his heart ache as Viktor performed. Viktor’s body was screaming that he was in anguish, that he was mourning something or someone.

“Well, if I had to guess, I would think his theme would be “loss and mourning.””

Yuuri’s eyes went wide as Viktor jumped, only for him to fall.

“Viktor Nikiforov has fallen! This has never happened before in his entire career!”

“Viktor!” Yuuri called out.

Viktor raised his head, looking at where Yuuri was standing. Seeing Viktor’s eyes were brimming with tears made Yuuri gape at him in shock.

「He’s mourning for you.」

_____________

Yuuri woke up to the sound of a particularly annoying phone alarm. Before he could move to turn it off, it was silenced for him. He felt Viktor nuzzle into him, making Yuuri’s heart hammer rapidly against his ribs.

“V-Viktor...we have to get up...”

“I know...”

Yuuri heard Viktor yawn before he felt the older man roll off him. Yuuri sat up and removed the eye mask, yawning himself as well.

_‘I guess I managed to sleep...if that even counts as sleep...’_

Heading to the bathroom and changing back into his warm-up outfit and costume underneath, Yuuri looked at Viktor who was waiting by the door. He saw the Viktor in his dream flash by in his vision, comparing it to the Viktor in front of him.

“Are you all set?”

“Um...yeah...”

“Let’s get going.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

_‘I want to die, I want to die, I want to die.’_

Yuuri shook like a leaf as he attempted to open his water bottle.

“Huh? It won’t open...” he mumbled, knowing full well that his fingers couldn’t grip the cap correctly. His stomach was simultaneously twisting into knots and turning over, his palms were sweaty and he wanted to lock himself in the hotel room and hide. Yuuri hated his anxiety.

Stopping his shaking were a pair of hands that gripped his shoulders firmly. Forcing himself to look up, his anxiety spiked as Viktor looked at him with that plastic smile.

“Yuuri, were you unable to take a nap?” Viktor asked, his voice dangerously calm.

“Huh? I-I did nap! I did!” Yuuri answered.

“I forbid you from doing jumps in the six-minute warm-up.”

“Huh?! But I have to practice those! If I don’t–“ Yuuri nearly yelled.

“That’s an order from your coach, Yuuri,” Viktor stated, leaving no room for argument.

“Attention skaters. The six-minute warm-up is now starting. Please make your way to the ice.”

“Let’s go; and remember, no jumps,” Viktor reminded him, plastic, menacing grin still on his face. Yuuri only followed behind, his anxiety still present.

_‘I hate this...I’m having an anxiety attack and I can’t do anything. Not even the ice is helping...’_ Yuuri thought as he practiced part of his routine on the ice. He jumped, only to land incorrectly and fall onto the ice.

_‘I’m so screwed...’_ Yuuri grimaced as he left the ice, his anxiety clouding his thoughts with the worst possible scenarios, _‘At least I brought my pills with me.’_

“Yuuri...I told you no jumps,” Viktor sighed.

“I-I’m sorry...” Yuuri winced.

“Well, it’s common for skaters to nail something they flubbed during practice!” Viktor laughed, trying to reassure Yuuri.

“I’m sorry...” Yuuri apologized again.

“Well, just continue warming up, nice and easy,” Viktor advised.

Yuuri’s stomach felt as though it had turned to lead and was going to fall out of him at any moment. He could feel bile rising in his throat and swallowed it back down. His scars and skin demanded to be picked at; to ease his worries with pain and blood. His mind was telling him to run: run away from everything and scream until his throat was raw. Cry until his eyes went dry. His heart was beating so rapidly he thought it would explode and he’d drop dead on the floor.

Yuuri really hated his anxiety attacks.

He decided to stand in front of one of the televisions and watch Guang-Hong’s performance. The younger skater was doing very well; he had a solid concept in his free skate, and he had a fair amount of jumps if just the smallest of problems with his over rotation.

_‘He’s doing great.’_

Yuuri decided to switch off the tv...and the one on the wall a few feet away from him. And the other on a small stand. He wanted them all off. Off and quiet.

Yuuri sat down on a nearby chair and buried his face in his hands, shaking his body in a small fit.

_‘I’m going to fail. Everything will have been for nothing. I’ll repeat the same mistake and make Viktor look like a joke as a coach. His image and reputation will be ruined and it’ll all be my fault. I should’ve died. I should’ve just died but I can’t even do that right. I’m a mistake; nothing, nobody. Why am I even here? I have no reason to exist...’_

_ ‘Your existence is precious.’ _

_‘Shut up, shut up, shut up.’_

Yuuri stood up and grabbed one of the floor mats the staff provided. He set up the mat and started to stretch. He needed to do something to take his mind of the stupid voice in his head. But stretching wasn’t enough, and his anxiety hit him in full force again; this time his depression amplified the negative thoughts and Yuuri was suffering. He leaned against a wall and rocked himself against it, his breathing coming out quick and uneven.

‘ _This is going to end horribly. I have to die. There’s no excuse; I have to die for my pathetic attempt of a life.’_

“Yuuri,” he heard Viktor say as he felt himself being dragged by the older Russian, “Let’s warm up in a different spot.”

Yuuri allowed himself to be guided by Viktor. The bland gray of the stadium’s lower levels blurring past him as the sound of the current skater’s free program music played throughout the building.

“Alright, this seems good.”

Yuuri brought himself back to his senses and saw they were in the parking lot.

“Let’s go over your program one last time. Why don’t you try practicing your footwork?”

“Um...ok...”

Hearing applause, Yuuri looked up at the ceiling. He could make out the announcer’s voice, but he guessed the walls of the building were so thick that the voice was muffled. He had to concentrate on what they were saying.

“Viktor, what are the current standings?” Yuuri asked, looking back to Viktor.

“O-Okay, Yuuri,” Viktor replied, trying his best to speak calmly, “first, let's take some deep breaths.”

“But, shouldn’t we be up there...?”

“Don’t worry about that right now. Let’s just practice, alright?”

“...alright.”

Yuuri complied, practicing his footwork as Viktor watched him. At the very least, the lack of people helped to ease his anxiety by a small margin. Though, even with his earbuds in, he could make out a familiar song coming through the walls.

_‘Phichit is up then...’_

Sometime during his practice, Yuuri noticed Viktor looking up at the ceiling. Yuuri took out his earbuds and listened in on the announcers excited voices.

“...All his jumps were flawless! Figure skating history in Thailand... no, in Asia, is being rewritten before our eyes by 20-year-old Phichit Chulanont!”

_‘Phichit had flawless jumps...? He’s rewriting history...?? That’s amazing...way more amazing than me...I’m nothing compared to him...’_

Yuuri was startled when he felt Viktor cover his ears, forcing Yuuri to look at him.

“Don’t listen!” Viktor yelled, looking at Yuuri with fire in his eyes, “Don’t listen to them!”

Yuuri looked at Viktor with wide eyes, his heart lodged in his throat.

_‘God...I’m bothering Viktor with my sorry ass,_ ’ Yuuri thought, looking away from Viktor and instead at one of his hands holding Yuuri’s face, _‘He’s trying to make me concentrate...but there’s no point. I’m going to fail. He should’ve quit before it got this far...maybe he does want to quit. I wouldn’t blame him if he did...’_

“V-Viktor? It’s almost time. We need to get back upstairs...” Yuuri pointed out, gently removing Viktor’s hands from his face. If he was correct in seeing the roster, after Phichit would be Leo, Georgi, then Yuuri. Yuuri wanted to at least make sure he didn’t make the entire stadium wait for his poor excuse of a free program. Yuuri looked at the ground and started to walk ahead of his coach.

“Yuuri.”

“Huh?” Yuuri turned back to look at Viktor.

“If you mess up this free skate and miss the podium,” Viktor started, pausing to rub a hand at his neck, “I’ll take responsibility by resigning as your coach.”

Yuuri could only gape at Viktor.

_‘Is...is he testing me? What kind of sick joke is this? I know this, but hearing him say it...it hurts so much...’_

Yuuri didn’t fight the quiet and quick flow of tears that came from his eyes.

“Why would you say something like that, like you’re trying to test me?” Yuuri sobbed, openly crying in front of Viktor.

“Uh, sorry, Yuuri. I wasn’t being serious–“

“I’m used to being blamed for my own failures! But this time, I’m anxious because my mistakes would reflect on you, too! I’ve been wondering if you secretly want to quit!”

“Of course I don’t.”

“I know!”

“I’m not good with people crying in front of me. I don’t know what I should do...” Viktor sighed, “Should I just kiss you or something?”

“No!” Yuuri yelled, looking up at Viktor with red, puffy eyes and tears running down his cheeks, “Just have more faith than I do that I’ll win! You don’t have to say anything! Just stand by me!”

Yuuri sobbed as Viktor watched with wide eyes. Yuuri rubbed at his eyes in a poor attempt to make himself stop crying.

_‘I know...he insists so much that he wants to be my coach that he wouldn’t quit, but...my stupid anxiety...I can’t think rationally.’_

“Well...let’s get back upstairs. We can...clean you up in the bathroom,” Viktor finally said.

Yuuri sniffled and nodded, following Viktor up the stairs. The two walked in mostly silence, save for Yuuri’s occasional sniffs and choked sobs.

Once back up to the main level, Viktor took Yuuri into the nearest bathroom.

“Right, so...” Viktor started, clearly unsure of how to help Yuuri clean up.

Yuuri looked at himself in the mirror and grimaced. He was an absolute disaster: his eyes were red and puffy, he had a small trail of snot coming from his nose, he had visible tear stains on his cheeks.

“Don’t worry, I know how to fix myself,” Yuuri said. He walked past Viktor and grabbed paper towels, wetting them with cold water and dabbing them beneath his eyes. With a few extra dry paper towels, Yuuri blew his nose, getting rid of all the mucus.

_‘Thank god I know how to make it look like I haven’t just been crying...thanks, Phichit and the internet.’_

He breathed deeply a few times. Tried to think of things that would calm him down: his home, family, pork cutlet bowl, skating back at Ice Castle. It helped, since he felt his anxiety drop greatly. Maybe it was because he cried that he felt better, but he couldn’t think about that right now. He had to focus on making himself look at least somewhat decent.

Checking himself in the mirror again, Yuuri seemed himself not a total disaster. His eyes were still slightly red, but that would go away with time. The puffiness from crying had settled as well, so that was a good sign.

_‘Viktor looked so helpless when I started to cry. I guess he’s really never dealt with emotional people. Still, I can’t believe he saw what a mess I was when I cry... that was embarrassing. But I guess I’m comfortable enough with him to be more vulnerable?’_

“I’m ready,” Yuuri told Viktor.

Both men headed out, walking in silence out to the main ice where Georgi was still skating. Yuuri found it a little ironic that Georgi’s theme was heartbreak, while Yuuri’s theme was love.

‘ _Which one will win?’_

After Georgi finished his program and went to the kiss and cry, Yuuri stepped onto the ice. His heart was calmer, but his stomach was still upset. Yuuri swallowed a lump in his throat and let out a shaky breath. Turning towards Viktor, he grabbed a tissue from the tissue box Viktor carried and blew his nose one last time. Crumpling it into a ball, Yuuri let it drop from his hand towards the ground instead of into Viktor’s hand; watching Viktor lean over the partition to catch it. Yuuri took the chance to poke Viktor on the crown of his head, giving it a pat before skating to the center of the ice.

“We now have our last skater on the ice, Katsuki Yuuri from Japan, currently in first place after the short program. His music for his free program is Yuuri on Ice.”

Hearing the gentle piano notes of the beginning of the song, Yuuri focused on his performance.

_‘I feel a lot better after crying. Viktor’s expression when I started crying was priceless_ , Yuuri thought, smiling briefly to himself as he remembered Viktor’s reaction, _‘I should feel bad, but I don’t. I’ve cried after a program before, but this is the first time before a match. Oh, um, the first jump... A quadruple toe loop, double toe loop combination. Ok.’_

Executing his jump, Yuuri heard the cheers of the crowd around him.

_‘Wow. That went better than I expected... it’s weird. I still have some anxiety, but I feel surprisingly calm. It’s probably because I cried before. Still...Viktor didn’t have to say that to me. That was a shitty thing to say...I’m still not sure if he even meant it. Viktor is too inexperienced as a coach. It’s not like my mental weakness started just now. He should be prepared for this much at least. Stupid Viktor!’_

“A quadruple Salchow!”

_‘Oh, I made it.’_

“Perfect, Yuuri!” He heard Viktor shout.

“Katsuki Yuuri’s theme for this season is love. He made an emphatic declaration at the press conference back in September.”

Yuuri let everything fade into white noise. Right now, he focused on moving as fluidly and beautifully as possible. If he was going to fail, he might as well go down swinging, or skating, in his case.

“Next up is a favorite of his, the triple axel.”

“Oh no, he touched down!”

_‘Damn. I might have messed up on controlling the jump’s speed. I think it went pretty well, even though I didn’t practice it during the warm-up. What’s after this one? Next up is...a triple flip. I wonder how Viktor if I made the last quad a flip instead of a toe loop.’_

Jumping, he cursed at himself internally for over-rotating.

_‘Shit. I over-rotated, but I’m not as tired as I should be, given that I haven’t slept much in the last few hours.’_

“Even in the second half, Katsuki Yuuri isn’t showing any signs of fatigue at all! Next up we have his step sequence!”

_‘I want to become stronger... no; I can become stronger. I can surpass Viktor’s wildest imagination!’_

_ ‘You have. You always will.’ _

“He’s planned a quadruple toe loop for his final jump.”

_‘No, not a loop. A flip. For Viktor. For everyone to see the impression he’s made on me as my coach!’_

Building up the speed he needed, Yuuri jumped and executed his last minute change of jump. He landed hard on the ice, but he quickly picked himself up.

“I-It’s a quadruple flip! He fell, but there appeared to be enough rotations! The quadruple flip was a signature move of Viktor Nikiforov, his coach. Not even Nikiforov ever did a jump this difficult at the end of a program, when fatigue would be at its peak!”

“Here’s a man who’ll go above and beyond our expectations, Katsuki Yuuri!”

Yuuri breathed heavily as the audience applauded. He looked at Viktor who was hiding his face in his hands.

_‘Oh no...is he crying? Is he mad? Which is it?’_

He watched Viktor as he ran towards the opening that led to the kiss and cry. Yuuri skated over, exhilarated over performing a quadruple flip and the crowd’s cheers.

“Viktor! I did great, right?”

Everything seemed to slow down.

Yuuri watched as if in slow motion as Viktor jumped towards him with outstretched arms. His eyes went wide as Viktor closed his eyes. Their faces were...so close...

Yuuri fell to the ice as Viktor Nikiforov kissed him.

The kiss was...incredible. Their lips were locked and Yuuri saw stars. This was one of his wildest dreams come true. And it had just...happened. He couldn’t believe it. As he lay there on the ice with Viktor on top of him, the impression of Viktor’s full lips on Yuuri’s.

“This was the only thing I could think of to surprise you more than you’ve surprised me,” Viktor said, lifting himself up with his arms and looking at Yuuri with something Yuuri dared to call love.

“Really?” Yuuri asked, looking at him in the same way.

“Katsuki Yuuri! Are you alright? Do the both of you need any help?” A staff member asked.

“No, we’re fine,” Viktor answered, still looking loving at Yuuri before moving off the younger male.

After some time getting off the ice, the two men sat together at the kiss and cry, reveling in Yuuri’s total score of 284.82. It wasn’t first place, but second was good enough. Yuuri was happy for Phichit being in first; Phichit had worked hard for it, and it paid off.

Amidst the flashes of the cameras up on the podium, Yuuri’s eyes drifted towards Viktor.

_‘He kissed me...he really kissed me. In front of the entire world...’_ Yuuri couldn’t help the blush he felt rise to his cheeks. He and Viktor locked eyes momentarily before Yuuri looked back towards the cameras.

Of course, he was hounded by reporters who wanted to interview him afterwards. He’d much rather head back to the hotel room to rest, but he had to answer. It wouldn’t be good if he just ignored them.

“Yuuri! After your placing of silver, how do you feel heading towards the Rostelecom Cup?”

“Um, well–“

“Now that Yuuri can do a quadruple flip, he’ll definitely win at the Rostelecom Cup and advance to the Grand Prix Final,” Viktor cut in, “I’m looking forward to going to Russia as his coach!”

“Viktor! What were your thoughts on–“

_‘Oh no, they’re asking about him kissing me...’_ Yuuri glanced at Viktor’s lips, moving in response to the question Yuuri didn’t hear. The feeling of those lips against his...Yuuri still couldn’t get over it.

“...ri? Yuuri?” A voice called.

“H-Huh?”

“Are you ready to head back to the hotel?” Viktor asked. The reporters had apparently disappeared during Yuuri’s reflection of the kiss.

“Yeah...”

The walk back to the hotel was filled with comfortable silence. Yuuri fidgeted with his fingers and the silver medal around his neck. He felt disappointed that he couldn’t place gold, but he did his best; he’d have to accept that. Besides, Phichit looked ecstatic to have won.

_‘He’s one step closer to fulfilling his dream. I wonder if he’s taken a selfie with his gold,’_ Yuuri smiled to himself, imagining the photo, _‘I wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest.’_

Back in their shared room, Yuuri was pulled into another kiss by Viktor as soon as their door closed. Viktor’s tongue explored Yuuri’s mouth, slowly roaming the space as Yuuri stood in shock. Soon, though, Yuuri melted into the feeling of it, and pressed himself closer to Viktor, kissing him back. Yuuri had never kissed anyone, so he’d have to apologize to Viktor if his kissing skills weren’t great. After what felt like hours, Viktor pulled away, a thin trail of saliva connecting the two men’s mouths together.

“You were amazing. Beautiful. You did so wonderfully out there,” Viktor said, “You never cease to surprise me, Yuuri.”

“T...thank you...um, I’m sorry if my kissing isn’t that great...I’ve never kissed anyone before, so...”

“That’s hard to believe. You’re amazing, Yuuri. Anyone can see that.”

Yuuri blushed at the high praise. He wasn’t used to be praised like this, especially from someone he’s looked up to and admired for so long.

“Um...can I ask you something...?”

“Of course.”

“Why...did you kiss me...?”

“Well...I wanted to. Isn’t that good enough?”

“I mean...why, exactly? You didn’t really have a reason to kiss me again. We’re not in front of people...”

“Yuuri. I would never have kissed you just for shock value.”

“So...does this mean...”

“That I like you? Well, why don’t you think about it some more and see what you come up with?” Viktor proposed with a teasing smile.

Yuuri looked at Viktor and felt his heart hammer. This...this surely wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be!

“I-I’m going to go change. It’s l-late, you know?” Yuuri stammered, quickly grabbing his pajamas and locking himself in the bathroom.

_‘He just kissed me again! What the hell? I don’t know if I could take it if he kissed me again... and I kissed him back! Why? I know I love him, but what if he doesn’t...no, of course he doesn’t love me. He’s just...eccentric. He did say the kiss was something equally as surprising as my quadruple flip. Yeah...that’s it. That’s all it is.’_

_ ‘It isn’t. Viktor loves you.’ _

_‘Shut up. No he doesn’t. He cares, sure, but he doesn’t love me. I’m just...a mess. Nothing special.’_

Yuuri changed, ignoring the tight feeling in his gut as he walked back out.

“Um...Viktor?”

“Yes?”

“C...can, um...” Yuuri swallowed before continuing, “can we sleep...together? I-I mean, not in that way, but...can we be...close? I’m sorry if that doesn’t make any sense, um...”

“You mean...push the beds together?”

“Yeah! That! Uh, if that’s okay...”

“Of course, Yuuri.”

Pushing the beds together, the two climbed into their beds and faced each other.

“G-good night, Viktor...”

“Sleep well, Yuuri. Next up is the Rostelecom Cup.”   
  
_____________

The shattered pitch black sky greeted him once more.

“You’re getting closer and closer.”

Yuuri looked at the masked figure before him. Its moon had changed: instead of a new moon, it had become a waxing moon.

“Who are you?” Yuuri asked.

“...someone who wants–no, has to help.”

“Why? Why me?”

“Yuuri, do you still want to die?”

“Huh?”

Did he? He wasn’t sure, now that he thought about it.

“I...I don’t know.”

The figure held out a pale hand, in it, a light shone. Looking closely, Yuuri saw it was the image of himself lying dead in his room. The image changed, to show Viktor falling during his performance with tears in his eyes.

“Viktor’s fall is connected to you. You have a great influence over him. You’re...important to people.”

“I’m...no, I’m not.”

The ground groaned and shook beneath him. Yuuri looked behind him to see the void creep towards the two of them.

“I can tell you one thing.”

Yuuri felt constricted by the void. It slowly enveloped him and the figure before him.

「僕の名前は。。。幽過」

____________

Yuuri woke up with a start. He breathed in short gasps and sat up slowly. The room was still dark, and in the darkness, he could make out Viktor’s even breathing. Grabbing his phone, Yuuri blinked against the blinding brightness to see it was past 4 in the morning. Adjusting the brightness to it’s dimmest setting, Yuuri saw he had messages and opened his texting app.

‘Yuuri, congratulations on placing silver! Next up is the Rostelecom Cup, right? Me, Shintaro, and everyone will hold a viewing party and watch the livestream!! Good luck Yuuri-kun!’ Ayano texted, sending a photo of her with her fiancé, Haruka, and Takene, with Haruka holding a sketch of Yuuri holding a silver medal high in his hand.

‘Yo! Congrats on the silver! We all watched the livestream and you’ve got some new fans! Naoto, Rise-chan, Yukiko-san, and Kanji loved your performances! You’ve got a lot of talent, man! Anyways, good luck at the next event!! We’ll all be cheering for you from back home!’ Yosuke texted, sending a screenshot of him in a video group call with his friends, all holding pieces of paper saying “Good luck, Yuuri-kun!”

‘Hey Yuuri. Everyone here thought you were the best in the competition. Remember to breathe, and just do your best, okay? We’ll still love you the same, you know? Anyways, congrats on the silver medal, and good luck, little bro.’ Mari texted.

Yuuri smiled at the messages and sent each of them a thank you message before shutting off his phone. The dream baffled him... but what was more surprising was what the figure had said before he woke up.

“「My name...is Yūka」?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the figure’s name, 幽過　it would be read as yuuka
> 
> yuu by itself can mean seclude, confine, deep, profound, dark
> 
> ka by itself doesn't mean past. it means overdo, exceed, error 
> 
> I wanted the figure’s name to have meaning. Also, I’m terribly sorry this chapter is so short. But I hope you enjoy it regardless. I’ve been looking forward to this chapter, and I hope I was able to meet your expectations. Thank you for your continued following of this work.

**Author's Note:**

> I plan to do the entire season, if you were wondering. I also want to say this: this is a vent/coping work for me personally. Yuuri is a character I see myself a lot in, and so I'm hoping I can be better by having Yuuri go through this with me. The song Yuuri listens to is Drowning in a Wave of Sadness by Neru (his songs are very good)


End file.
